Secrets Look Different in the Light

Chapter 28

Avery's POV

"So we're bringing up past fights? That's how you wanna play this?" I snap, arms crossed, trying to keep my voice steady.

"No, Avery. I'm laying it all out. Everything we never said. I'm bringing up the double date because you lost it over one comment about Theo, and I need to know why." His voice isn't angry- just desperate. I see how much this answer matters to him, and I hate that I still can't give it.

"Do you think I'm blind?" he presses. "Everywhere I'm supposed to be—Theo's already there. Hanging out at parties? Theo. Putting you to bed? Theo. Ride home from school? Theo. Holding your hand, sleeping in your bed—"

"Stop," I whisper, but he barrels on.

"If your parents didn't like me so much, you'd probably bring him to family dinners too." 

I finally meet his eyes. He is crying, but he isn't sad, he's angry.

"I'm sorry," I say, voice low. "I know I started using him to fill in the gaps where I felt you pulling away. That was wrong." I shamefully admit.

"You're not getting it Avery. There were no gaps to fill. I wasn't pulling away. I was there, waiting for you to want me. That first year, when we were just friends—we were so close. But the second we started dating, it was like you switched into this mode where you had to be perfect. Like being my girlfriend meant performing. You had this insane standard of what a girlfriend needed to be, but I just wanted you. Human, and flawed, but so fucking lovely."

His voice cracks, but he keeps going. "And instead of telling me where I was falling short, you substituted me. You let Theo step in. I was so worried that you were planning to dump me when it first started, that I didn't say anything about it.  And then it started to feel like we were just putting on a show- it felt like a fucking election. we were this couple people were supposed to admire, not two people actually in love. So I leaned into that. I thought maybe that's what you needed. A perfect boyfriend. A trophy." He pours out to me, pausing only to catch his breath.

I love him. 

Our whole relationship I have spent wishing I had him, and I did.

His voice drops, and then—"And while I was doing that, you were wearing his NASCAR t-shirt instead of mine."

My breath catches. 

I didn't think he knew. I thought it didn't matter. Secrets look different once they're in the light.

"What do we even say now, now that everything's out?" I whisper, tears slipping down my face.

He reaches for my hand. "I say I'm sorry for giving up instead of telling you how you hurt me."

I squeeze his fingers. "I'm sorry I made you feel like you didn't matter. I should've talked to you. I don't know why I stopped."

He nods, but his eyes are distant. "I love you. You know that. But we've done this all wrong. And trying to fix something that was never built right in the first place... I don't think we can. Not like this."

Panic rises. "Jayden, what are you saying?"

He sighs. "This has to end. We have to end-"

"No we don't." 

"Avery-"

"Yes, we do," he finishes softly.

He stares at me so lovingly, then reaches out, wiping the tears from my face for me.

He wipes my tears with his thumb. "This should've ended a long time ago. You know that. This isn't healthy."

I look up at him, my voice cracking. "This isn't what I want."