Secrets Look Different in the Light

Chapter 45

Dylan's POV

I'm sitting in the driver's seat, the car dark and quiet around me, gripping the steering wheel like it might anchor me— like it might stop the shaking in my hands.

It doesn't.

My skin feels too tight. My heart won't slow down. Every sound outside makes me flinch—the bass of the music leaking from the gym, laughter echoing across the parking lot. I press my forehead to the steering wheel, trying to block it all out, trying to just breathe.

But I can't. Not really.

I see her face every time I blink. Jackie.

The way she looked at me in the hallway—like I was a stranger. Like she couldn't believe what she was seeing even though she already knew. She wanted it not to be true. I could see it in her eyes. That flicker of hope, like maybe if I just said something, anything, she could hold onto it.

But I couldn't lie to her.

Not again.

I could barely even talk. My mouth wouldn't work. My brain was spinning too fast to keep up with the damage I'd done. I just stood there while the truth hit her full force, like I hadn't already been dragging it around behind me like a ticking bomb.

I hurt her.

I used her.

I said things I didn't mean in the moment, even if they were true later. I told her I might love her. 

Now I know I do.

But in that moment all I was thinking was my drug use can't get out. "No one can know about this."

Maybe I cared about her still when I said it. Maybe I wanted it to be true. But I don't know what's real anymore. Not with all the noise in my head, not with everything slipping through my fingers.

I reach in my jacket, pulling out the dispenser.

Because of course I couldn't leave it on the gym floor.

I don't even have to roll up a bill, still have one tucked with it. I do a line off the center console, fast and messy. My nose stings. My head pounds.

The shaking slows. Not completely. But enough.

Avery knows. She has to by now. Jackie probably told her. I wonder what she's thinking—if she's disgusted, if she's angry. If she regrets ever having me as her brother.

Jayden probably told people too. He saw me last night. Blood dripping down my face. He knew. And if he didn't tell anyone before, I bet he will after May's show. I bet the whole school knows before the DJ's even played the last slow song.

And my parents...

They'll find out.

Some teacher will call. Or the school counselor. Or someone's mom who overheard something. That's how it always spreads, like wildfire through all their little social circles.

But I don't know if they'll even care.

Maybe they'll yell. Maybe they'll send me away. Maybe they'll just... go quiet again. Like they always do when things get hard. Like if they ignore it long enough, it'll disappear.

Would they even want to help me? Would they know how?

I do another line, not bothering to cut it properly first. I wipe my nose with the back of my hand. It comes away red, my nose stinging more than last time.

I lean back against the headrest, eyes fluttering shut. The coke is buzzing in my skull, but it's not making me feel better. Just... numb. Disconnected. Like I've floated outside myself and I'm just watching all this play out from a distance.