𝘶𝘯𝘸𝘢𝘯𝘵𝘦𝘥 𝘧𝘦𝘦𝘭𝘪𝘯𝘨𝘴 | 𝘕𝘔𝘐𝘟𝘟 𝘏𝘈𝘌𝘓𝘠

chapter 10: my love

haewon pov

she walked out of my room and walked to her room to go finish reading that book of hers. i remember she had finished reading it that night.

right as i watched her leave my room, my heart shattered into a million pieces.
how was i supposed to leave her? how was i supposed to say that i chose my job over her? how was i supposed to say that this entire time, the thought lingered in my head wasn't being with her forever, but someday leaving her.

i grabbed my phone before leaving my room to go to the bathroom and take a shower before bed.
i turned my music on and removed my makeup then took a shower. that shower was full of thoughts, it was quiet, but it was loud in my head. it was a bit unordinary for me not to be singing in the shower, but that day was different.

all i could think about was lily, and when i thought about actually breaking it off with her, it was like that was my breaking point.
tears welled up in my eyes quickly and i couldn't stop them from falling. i let out a long but quiet sob as i squeezed my eyes shut and faced the water. the tears wouldn't stop coming and i couldn't manage to get myself to stop.

i was glad that i broke down in the shower because if it were anywhere else, the girls would probably heard me and come to ask me or comfort me. i didn't want comforting right now, i just wanted to let it out for now.

my music blasted in the bathroom while i was still sobbing inside of the shower. i felt helpless, i felt broken.

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after i had taken my shower, i headed back to my room and got ready for bed. it's always been the same every night, but that night felt so different. so unreal.
it was as if i wasn't real. i was just there living in the world that so many people (A/N: so many peepo) loved.
with an empty mind, i laid in bed, stared at the ceiling, and thought about the many things that lily has helped me with--what she has comforted me on.

my first thought was when i had vented to her so much about my feelings and wanting to end my life, and she let me. she listened and stopped me from thinking about ending my life in general.

i loved my life and i loved the world, but sometimes it just was too much for myself to bear. i had contemplated taking my life once, but when i had cried to lily about my problems, she talked to me through it and reminded me of all of the people i love and the people that love me too. i was also relieved when she assured me that it was a human emotion to feel. it was normal to feel like that and everyone feels it at least once even if they think they never will.

she talked about nswers, nmixx, the jypfamily, my family, my friends. she told me my life was too valuable to give up and that i needed to keep on pushing through because the moment i am gone, i would regret leaving in the first place.

at the time, i thought it was total BS and that i wouldn't regret anything, but she convinced me that i would regret everything. as i thought back onto it, she was right.
i had thought about all of the people who would miss me, but i mostly thought of the people i would miss.

if i had taken my own life, i wouldn't have been able to make more memories with the people i love, i wouldn't have been in nmixx, i wouldn't even be here writing about my history with lily unnie and i.

as i stared blankly at the ceiling, i could tell i wanted to cry, i wanted to scream, i wanted to do everything but be here, staring at the ceiling i wake up to see every morning.

i slowly closed my eyes and fell asleep.

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the next morning i had known that it was about time lily and i broke it off. i never wanted to leave her, but i didn't want to ruin the both of our dreams that we worked so hard to achieve. i still loved her, but if i had any heart i would know that loving her and her loving me would be equivalent to her giving up on her lifelong dream.