Hotch had been in a meeting for over an hour. Penelope, JJ and Emily were in Penelope's lair discussing the next girl's night. Rossi and Derek were out getting lunch for the team.
Y/N and Spencer were at their desks doing paperwork. Y/N needed to get Spencer alone. He wasn't talking to Hotch about his feelings regarding JJ and Emily. He blew Derek and Rossi off every time they asked. Penelope tried and got nowhere. Y/N was the only team member who hadn't yet tried to talk to him.
Heading up to Hotch's office, Y/N found the perfect opportunity.
"Spencer, can you help me get some of these files from Hotch's desk?" Y/N peeked out the door. Spencer nodded, soon joining Y/N. He got close to Hotch's desk while Y/N turned around and pretended to lock the door, Spencer watching as Y/N shoved a key into her pocket.
"Y/N...what's going on?" Spencer furrowed his eyebrows.
"This door stays locked until we talk." Y/N gestured to the key in her pocket.
"Y/N. Stop. Let me out." He insisted.
"No. Not until you finally talk to me about JJ and Emily. You've given them the cold shoulder ever since Emily came back. You won't talk to Hotch, to Derek, to Rossi...not even to Penelope. So, you're gonna talk to me. I don't care if we're here for 60 seconds, or 60 minutes." Y/N exhaled, sitting down.
"Your husband is gonna want his office back." Spencer argued.
"Jack's got a half day at school, so Hotch'll go pick him up once his meeting is done. He wants some time alone with our kids." Y/N rolled her eyes.
"You're really keeping me in Hotch's office against my will." Spencer scoffed.
"You want to leave? Alright. Talk first." Y/N gestured to the couch opposite her.
Spencer sat down, taking a moment to collect his thoughts. He exhaled, looking at Y/N before his eyes fell back on his hands.
"You tell me about your feelings, and I'll tell about mine." Spencer bargained.
"If it means you'll talk, sure." Y/N nodded.
"I was angry. Not at Emily. I couldn't be angry at her. She was the one who nearly died and had to go into hiding. No. I was angry at Aaron. He lied to me for months. Because of his lie, he had to go away. Avery and Jack didn't have their father around and I hated it. I had nightmares about Emily and he wasn't there to soothe me. Jack cried a lot after Emily's death, and I was the only one around to soothe him." Y/N gave Spencer a dot-point version of her argument with Aaron. Saying it to someone other than Aaron was relaxing. She didn't have to hold it in.
Spencer waited for Y/N to continue, but she didn't.
"After Tobias Hankel took me and drugged me, I spent weeks- months even, using Dilaudid as an escape. When I got clean, I thought...that'd be the end. I could focus on work and the team. But then...Emily happened. The night that JJ told us what happened, I got my hands on some Dilaudid. I bought some needles and I went home." Spencer explained.
The small vials of Dilaudid rested mere inches from the basin in Spencer's bathroom. The needle was right there. All he had to do was constrict his blood flow, fill the needle with Dilaudid and inject. Spencer sat on the lid of his toilet for an hour just staring at the needles. Every time he closed his eyes, he saw Emily. He pictured her body as she slowly died from the wound in her stomach. Every time he closed his eyes, he stood up and inched closer to the materials that were calling his name.
"Spencer." He stepped forward.
"Spencer, you know you want me." He stepped again, this time being halfway to an escape.
"I can help you escape." He stepped a third time, nearly beginning to reach for the vials.
That's when he suddenly opened his eyes. He felt his heart drop and tears spill down his cheeks. He had worked so hard for years. He wasn't about to let his sobriety go.
Without a second thought, Spencer grabbed a bag and scooped the small vials and the needles into it. He grabbed his phone, his keys and left his apartment, violently smashing the bag into a nearby garbage bin. He drove to JJ's place and gently knocked on the front door.
JJ opened the door, a look of shock and sadness on her face as she stared at Spencer who now had fresh tear-stains on his cheeks. His eyes were red and his cheeks were puffy. It didn't take a profiler to see that he had been crying. She pulled him inside and the moment she wrapped her arms around him, he broke down.
"From that night, I spent 10 weeks going to her house and crying. Every night, I had the violent urge to get some Dilaudid and take it, but I stopped myself. I escaped through JJ instead." Spencer wiped the tears from his eyes.
"I am so sorry Spencer. If I had known..." Y/N gasped.
"I hid my struggles like I always do. Besides, you had Jack and Avery to take care of with Hotch's absence." Spencer shrugged his shoulders.
"Y'know, Jack and Avery would've loved to see their uncle Spencer." Y/N chuckled.
"As much as I would've loved to see them...the idea of them seeing me so...not myself, I couldn't have that. They deserve the best of their uncle." Spencer smiled.
"Spencer, you need to know that even though what Hotch and JJ wasn't necessarily...right, they had protocols to follow. Sure, we would've been okay with hearing a simple "she's fine" or "she's alive", but for Hotch and JJ, Emily's situation was anything but simple. They had Strauss, the brass and the director watching their every move. For them...telling us even the tiniest of information wasn't an option." Y/N explained, now understanding Hotch's point.
"It still hurt." Spencer muttered.
"I know it still hurt, but look on the bright side. Emily's back. She's happy, healthy and back with us. We can move on knowing that Ian Doyle can't take her away from us again." Y/N smiled.
"You're right." He stood up, nodding.
"How about, you go and show them that you're okay." Y/N suggested.
Spencer nodded, hastily moving toward the door. Forgetting that Y/N had "locked" it, Spencer grabbed the door handle and pushed it down, shocked when he found the door was unlocked.
"I- I thought you locked this?" He eyed Y/N, who chucked.
"The door does lock, but it doesn't need a key." Y/N shook her head, gesturing for Spencer to see for himself. He looked down to see that low and behold, there was a small latch in the centre of the handle that had to be turned left to lock and right to unlock.
Chuckling at Y/N's mischievousness, Spencer hastily exited Hotch's office and made his way toward Penelope's office. But, he was greeted to the sight of JJ and Emily entering the bullpen. Without earning, he wrapped both women in a tight hug.
"I'm sorry JJ, for being so angry, when I didn't even truly understand how hard it was for you to keep Emily being alive a secret." Spencer breathed.
"And I'm sorry Emily, for being so cold to you. I wasn't angry...or mad even. I was just...trying to process the fact that you're still alive." Spencer apologised.
"It's okay, Spencer. We both understand it must've been difficult for you and the rest of the team." Emily nodded, clearly glad that she, Spencer and JJ had reconciled.
YOU ARE READING
Saving Agent Hotchner | 1
FanfictionWith Aaron's marriage officially over, he's one bad day away from completely falling apart. It isn't until Agent Y/L/N steps in that he realises that love isn't lost and he still has hope for a better future.
