The Shadows of Nature

7.4. The Lies We Tell Ourselves

Audrey was shrouded by the dense cover of the trees of the forest that surrounded the headquarters, the calm aura of Nature so mingled with her own that it nearly fooled her into confusing that with her mild anxiety regarding her current venture. It was one of the rare occasions when the sun shone brightly, though the winter cold was more evident in the green environment. She could hardly feel it, the cool touch of the grass on her bare feet alleviating the nervous shadow, if only slightly.

Audrey halted to look at her hand, moving her fingers. The motion was smooth and unhindered by the cold, as opposed to what the experience would have been for human beings.

Till when will we be in these humanoid figures?

Audrey continued forward, the exit of the forest very close now. The sounds of life got louder, too, but somehow it all felt dulled in her mind, not as bright as it once was.

Her hands parted the green cover to see the narrow road stretched in front of her, the opposite side dotted by colourful houses endlessly. The road was not too crowded but something constantly moved on it - vehicles of many sizes, and humans walking on the footpath. Some were alone, some were in pairs, few were in groups and some walked with their pets.

The moment Audrey let go of control, their thoughts and emotions rushed towards her like an oceanic wave being built for a long time.

They came to a stop a slight distant apart from Audrey, perhaps respecting the distance that had grown between the shadow and the world they were a part of. Audrey took a deep breath and sat down with her legs crossed, opening the vision within her to see the sentience that had come to her.

The joy of a little child. The joy she felt when she received a gift, or a satisfying answer to quell her curiosity, or a hug from her parents, or from having a fun time with her parents, or from eating a delicious meal... infinite possibilities.

The anger of a young man. The anger he feels when he is scolded for no apparent reason time and time again, or when he is betrayed by people close to his in a big or small manner, or when he frustrates himself by being unable to meet his expectations, or when he has so many questions and no hope for answers, or when something he has worked so hard for is taken away from him... infinite possibilities.

The sorrow of a woman. The sorrow she feels from disappointment with others or especially herself, from confusion, from fear of the things that give her sorrow, from grief, and most terribly... from the complications of attachment and loss. A loss of something or someone or her time or herself, and she doesn't know what to do anymore.

The acceptance of an old man. The reason for all the good things given to him, the reason he lost so many things, the reason for his countless actions, the reason for his countless emotions appropriate and inappropriate that he could not change despite his best efforts, the "wrong" and "right" things he did, and the wisdom he gained from it all. The way he lived life as a Human Being.

Of course, each of these emotions involve so many others. Perhaps everyone fabricates lies to deal with these emotions and assures themselves so that they could move forward. The shadows had seen enough to understand that no being, not even a group of beings, could every understand any aspect of this world in its totality. Not even the most "insignificant" moment of one living thing's life. They had to build up a story, fill in the gaps to reason with their emotions because otherwise the questions would be too much.

There were also those periods of boredom, where one would find life futile and meaningless. How could they move forward if they did not care enough to seek any answer, if no question felt important enough or if there was simply no curiosity?

Human Beings... curious little creatures. Those who did not seek answers and went with the flow lied to themselves, those who did seek answers and came up with reasons again and again lied to themselves, those who did both lied to themselves, those who accepted the fact that they didn't know most things also lied to themselves. But that was all okay, because the absolute truth of anything was difficult to know. The best one could do was assemble little aspects of the truth by all these lies and continue to move forward, and perhaps one day assemble the truths they sought. And perhaps those little steps would take them to the One.

Each individual holds onto the beautiful world around them, and each holds onto that with different forces. The fleeting nature of their lives, the fleeting nature of every concept in existence, the fleeting nature of Nature... infinite possibilities meant anything could change and become different or even go back to the way something once was. The only thing that seemed to be certain was the end.

They are always there. Infinite possibilities, many often the same thing presenting itself in different manners with different degrees of influence. The end of everything may be a constant, but it was then a matter of timing.

The end of something's time. What if time ended? Even after all that had transpired, it was a concept Audrey could not fathom. Perhaps one person she knew could, but that did not matter. Not right now.

As Audrey took another deep breath, the rest of the city's life flooded her mind. A buzzing noise that once disturbed her, but now it was all somewhat quiet. A little unsettling and oddly comforting, and Audrey sat there in that manner for as long as those thoughts and emotions wished to stay.

Then came a silence that the shadow had never ever experienced before. Like something fundamental inside her broke after all the time and energy she had put into something outside, but the breaking was not damaging because she would not let it be so. A deep pain that led to wisdom floating up and making its way through every part of her existence.

A process that had started a long, long time ago, the start of which she wasn't sure of, but she could properly see it only now.

The silence overcame everything and bound it all. All the thoughts and emotions disappeared to let darkness remain and Audrey's body separated from the world again, hovering slightly apart from the fabric of Nature just slightly out of phase so that no one could sense her, but she could sense the entire world.

And then it came properly, and it was omnipresent. All pervading in the old shadow's mind.

Silence.

...

...

..

I think I - no, we all - needed to experience human life so that we can understand it. This is not for us, this is something we are incompatible with. Not in some terribly big manner that implies we cannot be like humans. We simply shouldn't, because it will hinder with our duty.

Duty. It is difficult to fully know what my duty is, but I know enough now. Perhaps it is a duty that was chosen for me, or perhaps it has naturally followed me as a consequence of all my histories, or perhaps I have chosen it with all that has already been given to me, or perhaps it is a combination of such factors. What I wish to do and what my duty is is one and the same thing, and in some sense of the word, I have chosen it.

I simply forgot about it in the time period that swept me into the life of the living beings. Of course, there are still many aspects of that time that are still in me, but perhaps it cannot be presented in that exact manner.

If I must be detached, I choose to stay away.

Audrey took a deep breath, gathering one proper last look at the human beings separated from her. She would still think about them, she would always remember them and she would still observe them from afar because it was important to her that she not forget any part of it, but it was her past and the world's future, a future in which she held a different role.

For however long she was still there.

Audrey turned around and walked back into the forest.