In A Week I Will Be Dead

Chapter Ten: Erroneous

!!!TW!!!

SH, bullying, suicide

IF YOU ARE STRUGGLING, CALL THE SAMARITANS ON 116 123 <3 <3 <3

Noah

Again, I am reading the words of a person who I know but haven't met, on a bench on a Monday morning.

Hiding in Darkness:

I love the dark. You can be yourself, as nobody can see you. You can pour every type of emotion from your heart and the darkness doesn't judge. It just enfolds you in its arms and remains quiet and listens to what you have to say. It's there when you need it, patiently waiting for your stories and helping you through them.

A peaceful sensation passes over my trembling body, and all hint of emotion is sucked away into the black clouds which surround my being. I can lie there for hours listening to the static, the darkness's attempt to give you advice. Sometimes if you listen close enough words start to from in your head. It's a beautiful feeling. It's my beautiful feeling. Nobody else, just me and the gloom being pensive in unison, finding peace in each other's silence.

I find this to be very powerful. Nobody can take this away from me, all I need to do is close my eyes and block the world out. Retreat into myself. Sometimes I physically turn off the lights and absorb myself in the harmony, into the darkness which gives me light. Hope. The irony of the situation can almost make a critic question me, but to me it makes sense. As I am a person. No matter what others say, I can have a chance at life if I wish. Death is not a compulsory action, it finds you, or you find it. Others can't find it for you, only force it upon you. I am a person. I deserve to live. I am alive for now.

As I type this in the dark to you dear reader, you must know this: I am at peace with the world around me. The hole I have is not necessarily filled, but I am floating on a lake of my own imagination. A piece of death becomes a peace of health inside me. I am alive and at the same time I am dead, finding these moments truly calming in a distorted sort of fashion. I am staring into the depths of a dark cool pool at my own reflection, the edges shimmering in a black light, the smile ubiquitous to all the pain I have felt. I am alone with my thoughts, draining my energy, draining my existence. Tranquillity is death, and that soothes me.

Where is she? Who is she?

I Watch Success in Bad People:

When you try so hard at something and it never succeeds, and somebody else has luck first time, it sucks but it's just a common thing. I do believe that good things happen to bad people, and that bad things happen to good people, but that is just the way of the world. We cannot control what comes to pass, and to whom, but we can alter our decisions because of this. We can sit in a pit of our own sorrow or we can get up and do something about it. But what is there to do?

I always feel happy for people when something good happens to them. I clap, talk about them, screw the lid on my envy and praise their existence. This way at least I can praise an existence, even if it's not mine. However, I do think that the world choses every century or so a person they will drill into the ground and surround them with people who do well. Each. Day. A. Little. Bit. More. But you do well! You scored highly on your project!

I spent four hours of my fucking life going through it, it wasn't by chance.

Things that are not down to luck:

1)    Doing well in anything that needs preparing for

Things that are down to luck:

1)    Meeting the correct person