In A Week I Will Be Dead

Chapter Thirty-Three: I Am A Person

!!!TW!!!

Suicide references

IF YOU ARE STRUGGLING, CALL THE SAMARITANS ON 116 123 <3 <3 <3

Noah

Neighbour John died. It came as a massive shock to everyone, despite the fact that many Old People's Homes had tried to recruit him. I think the real reason why it came as a shock through was because if it wasn't for him, there wouldn't be a Noah. I literally owe him my life.

The funeral was beautiful. He was a massive fan of gardening, and so his coffin was laden with the most stunning flowers I had ever seen. But then I saw John in the open casket, and it affirmed my belief that death is not beautiful. Romanticising the dead is not how we should live. We should live by romanticising the life of the dead.

I visit Josh every now and again, not that he needs it of course. He has a myriad of people coming and going, but I think he enjoys my company because I just get it. I don't ask him how he is, what medication he's on, when he's coming out of the adult ward. I just ask him stuff like what's your favourite Hockey player? Do you reckon I could fit this bag of marshmallows in my mouth? What's the best way to chat up girls? Normal stuff.

Sometimes I think about her though. When I collected all the letters together, the first thing that struck me were the titles. They make – made – a special kind of poem. I found her of course. I'm not going to go into detail, because that wouldn't allow you to picture the horrors of what I saw. And I want you to concoct various scenarios, so you feel the torture of what I felt when I entered that room.

I rang the ambulance, and they arrived pretty quickly. They didn't let me in the back of the van though, it wasn't the same as Josh's 'episode'. She survived. Barely. I think. I don't know really, she's in critical condition and hasn't woken up as far as I know. A part of her has died, and a part of me has died too.

Following Eric's interview, news of Josh spread throughout the school like wildfire. Then it wasn't long before another suicide attempt rumour was thrown around. A hush followed. A real hush. People laid a sort of memorial around both of their lockers. There were cards like 'get well soon' and 'we all love you' – empty words for an empty school I guess. Not a single card said 'you know what, I'm so so sorry. I'm sorry for calling you those names. I'm sorry for taking the piss out of your parents abandoning you'. There was nothing, just an abundance of flowers picked up at petrol stations and an atmosphere of passing the blame. I remember in one of her letters she talked about how people pick the best flowers because they like them. Maybe that's why they've picked the gasoline infused bouquets for her, and the home-grown roses for him. I of course didn't put flowers on her locker. I just wrote a simple message: 'I am a person'.

There was also a massive assembly on suicide. The very poster that she described was pinned to the wall, the headmaster trying not to break down into tears every time he used their names. I was told to stay at home because I was a 'suicide risk' myself, but I came in anyway. I think my parents finally trust me. I was sort of a hero, saving two people and all that, but I don't like to talk about it. I've pushed that as far into the past as it can go. I'm not the person I was, and I shall never be that person again.

You see, one person you can cover up. One person you can play pretend with. Two people you can push down to circumstance. But three people...well that's a completely different story. That's when attention is finally gained. It's like all the attention we never received came out in one big wave of sympathy. But I know for a fact it's not sympathy they need. One needs empathy and understanding, the other needs his family back. And the other one... I think the other one is finally getting better.