In A Week I Will Be Dead

Chapter Twelve: Coroner

!!!TW!!!

Assult references, unkind thoughts

IF YOU ARE STRUGGLING, CALL THE SAMARITANS ON 116 123 <3 <3 <3

Noah

As I sit in class, I continue to read their letters, because I know that in the real world I will never need to know what a memento mori is in literature, what it consists of, and its purpose in the world.

In the Name of Love:

The sky and the earth are deemed as lovers, but the earth can only feel her tears. You are the sunrise on the loneliest night. I'd be lost without your company. People in love always say things like these – really weird things. But who am I to judge?

Sorry I haven't written in a while, I've been preoccupied with sorting things out. I can now safely say that I was right all along, and that my first approach to the opposite sex was correct and should be preached. I am invisible, so a little red flag should've popped up in my brain when this attitude started to be controverted. They draw you in, then they reveal that they don't want your personality, but rather your body. You wait, hoping against hope that one good thing should happen to you and there's been a miscommunication, as you've had the crappest luck all of your life. But nothing.

Life's a game, the prize is happiness. However, I don't think that prize can be won if you are not even allowed to have a chance at playing. The closest you can get is supporting your own team, and helping them. Watching others win is better than winning yourself. Go out of your way even to help people along, self-sacrifice, unconditionally, let them use you, let them control you as a puppet, let them stick needles in your eyes and cut off your limbs. Let them. Look into the water and see your reflection, but block out your face. Look up to the clouds and stop picturing scenarios where the world is okay. That cloud was never a pirate ship, nor a castle, nor a teddy bear. It's just a cloud. It's particles of water suspended in our atmosphere that fall when the wind changes. It's part of a cycle. It doesn't shoot cannons, rescue princesses, or get hugged by small children. It simply does not exist. Fairy tales do not exist.

Same can go for finding happiness with another person. Wake up and realise that love is just endorphins in your brain. Exercise or eating chocolate gives you the same feeling. Did you know that the last minute before you die your whole brain fills with endorphins and you feel a sense of euphoria? So basically, being in love is the same feeling you get when you are dying. Love is a fantasy, a story with no happy ending, but ending with once upon a time. Once I was happy. Once I absorbed light, once I saw castles, once I shared secrets. Once.

Nobody understands, they always question me: why don't you date this person? They even ask me who I like. I can't like another person; I am physically incapable of liking another in that sense. I have a heart of stone. I don't deserve to be with another, but other people believe that I think I'm too good for anyone else and have very high standards. In reality, I have no standards. I don't even deserve to believe I have standards.

In the movies, it's so perfect. Too perfect. Boy meets girl, girl likes boy. Find out their likes through an accident, fall in love, live together happily fucking ever after. But in reality, it's not as smooth as that. There's complications. Always complications.

1) Person is teased for liking me. So instead, they ridicule me in order to get their mates approval. I walk away with red eyes. They take no notice. I tell my friends, and they say 'take no notice'. Like what you guys do to me. But this is just the beginning.

2) Person likes me just to lose their virginity so they don't get bullied anymore by their friends. Fortunately, I was wise enough to know better, and questioned who the person named 'girlfriend' was who kept popping up on their phone when we were together.