In A Week I Will Be Dead

Chapter Twenty-Six: Pinioned

!!!TW!!!

Suicidal ideation, SH references, unkind thoughts

IF YOU ARE STRUGGLING, CALL THE SAMARITANS ON 116 123 <3 <3 <3

Myself

I did something rather stupid. I don't realise it was even possible to be bullied by other people of your social status. I came back to school to run a test to see if there is any hope left in humanity. I wanted to test the barriers, and see if there is anybody out there in the darkness that can hear me. I stretched my shadow and invited the sun, but I was only met with clouds. I begin to type.

Hope in Humanity Goes:

And just like that, all hope for humanity is crushed with the weight of an incident. I had the fabulous idea of setting up a communal chat where all of us misfits could talk freely about the world, inspired by the year group chat. Me and this other person were having a jokey argument, until it turned sinister. The conversation was about how I have a heart of stone, and about how I have no emotion. I am copying the conversation literally word for word:

Me: 'I will as soon as I've learnt how to cry, maybe you could teach me because you do it a lot'

Him: 'I have done actually cause I'm coming out of a five year period of being a depressive and had counselling for it'

Me: '...Seriously?'

Him: 'Yea and u were one of the reasons y'

Me: 'wait are u joking or not?'

Him: 'no I'm joking to being a depressive u give a shit about what people think, lol u cared'

Me: 'Well that's not something to joke about because some people out there actually are and have therapy, and yes of course I fucking care about people I'm not a fucking psychopath'

Him: 'really that surprised me'

Me: 'jokes about mental illnesses are not funny'

And just like that, humanity has failed me again. Would you go up to someone with cancer and say, 'I've got cancer, you gave it to me'? I don't think so. When somebody makes a joke of your life story, I'm pretty sure you can retaliate with brute force. Well, sometimes I do actually regard myself as a pathetic human being, but this is something more. This is the definition of how fucked up we are as people. They make us pronounce our differences so they can label us more easily. Well I shall not say it. I'll take the punches to my body and soul, to hell with the consequences.

I think the thing that confuses me the most is that this kid on the chat knows about my condition. He insinuates it, yet he still has the audacity to take the piss out of me for it. I don't really know him that well, and I'm glad that I don't.

I haven't really hurt myself recently. I've been too preoccupied with avoiding school and avoiding the realities of life. But I tell you, after that conversation I drew up a list. I wrote up all the reasons to die, and all the reasons to live. Maybe that's what Noah did. Draw a sort of messed up calendar, each box with a pill inside with a reasoning as to why. Maybe that's what I'm going to do. Draw up a graph as to why I should be dead.

I could literally take my life at any moment. I'm so done now. Like actually done. Not just using the phrase and moving on. Really meaning it. I, the girl that nobody sees, that nobody notices, that nobody cares about, is going to slip out of the realm of reality. I am finally going to take a stand, by taking a fall.

Breathe.

I'm doing it.

For the first time, I use my school email address.