"Absolutely Not."

Chapter 23: Scandalous

His pillow became my best friend for the next few of weeks as I wrestled with the deadly schemes running rampant in my already flustered mind while losing track of the plan during my inconspicuous excursions to splendor.

Always driving me to a face-planted position, all I could think about was keeping quiet and not how I wanted to wrap my hands around a neck similar to how Simon clutched onto mine when his pleasure became too much to contain.

However, my reasonings were the polar opposite of why he took my breath away to why my fingertips itched.

I'd never felt more conflicted.

Well, never was a bit of an exaggeration since I'd say that running away from him burning to death beat this kind of decision by a landslide. Hiding in Russia had been more conflicting, too.

It made my head ache with the possibility of everything going wrong. I'd hinted at the idea that I'd suggested weeks ago about serving as bait for the team, but it was always shot down with 'you're not ready yet'.

I felt ready.

My body hadn't suffered too badly from neglect, and I'd snapped back to where I had been in no time. I'd kept my body lean with my cleansing hikes and decent eating, it was just me needing the practice of routine.

I missed sleeping in my own bed, though. And privacy. Not to say that my very frequent visits to Simon's quarters didn't provide a secure environment, but the early morning trip back to my bunk freshly showered so I didn't reek of sex was not only invigorating but also slightly shameful. Scandalous.

There was no way it didn't go unnoticed by someone, my walk of shame at the crack of dawn, but not a word was spoken about it... at least, to my face.

Nothing about how my body wash smelled strangely like his.

Not a peep was ever uttered about the brief smirks we exchanged across whatever room we occupied. Even beneath whatever fabric mask he'd decided to wear, it was so obvious.

And god did I enjoy the thrill of a good secret.

I almost didn't care if other people speculated about our relationship. The only people's opinions that would bother me were never shared, and I had a gut feeling that they were simply turning a blind eye. It helped, I figured, that we'd kept boundaries alive.

Once he pulled on a mask, the lieutenant stood in his place. Still Simon but a hardened version. Stoic. Filtered.

Ghost.

However, once I could see the entirety of his face, he was all mine.

And I was his.

Like we'd turned into two goddamn teenagers just learning about sexual gratification once we knew we deemed it safe to do so in a secure place like his quarters... or a claustrophobic supply closet. Or the rooftop.

The constant contradiction swung in my head as if it were enjoying the shit show that my demurral had made me, kicking its feet and giggling because, on one hand, I wanted to be where I was safe. But on the other...

Too many variables now tied me to 141, ones that didn't include my actual signature binding me to a contract, and I was even more stuck to living a life I'd thought myself to be free of on another continent.

I couldn't run away now, that was for certain, but what I could do, was run to the problem.

Nip it in the bud while I was still thought to be presumed missing or dead.