"Absolutely Not."

Chapter 11: Tarnished

I took everything for granted, didn't I?

I loved him that fateful autumn, and I loved him now. It cut me into a million fragmented pieces, ruining me into a shattered oblivion, and reflected my loneliness broken apart from a conflicting demand for physical comfort.

Where I ached to just have a whisper of a fingertip running down my spine, my legs itched to run.

"You could have seen the end results for yourself. We could have saved all of us the hassle of all of this if different choices had been made."

Those were the words that did me in, a hammer to worsen my decisiveness. My feet, cemented to my current spot, wouldn't budge even when Price's sneer asking me if I was running again pulled on the ropes of my sails.

Some sort of anchor delayed my retreat. Was it my stubbornness? My need for a good fight after over a year of peace? That bloodthirst loitered in the back of my mind, and it didn't require my actual hands to get dirty to have a good time. Sometimes all it took was a whetted tongue brandishing even sharper words.

"You said something about you telling him to not say anything," I slowly turned to Soap, tearing my eyes away from Ghost, not giving any of the other men a chance to slip in another word, not before I could.

Nodding once, he explained, "I- we didn't think it would be best to have a reunion right away. Wanted you to get your bearings first and then we would bring it up."

I couldn't decide which scenario was worse, not like I had a choice in the matter. How Ghost had presented himself might have been the preferred method over waiting it out, ripping it off like a freshly plastered bandaid. No time for dread or anticipation then, only a recoil from the aftermath's sting.

"And wouldn't you think that might have hindered my trust even more if the wait had been prolonged?" My jaw clenched. "Either way, it's still a bit tarnished, huh."

Price's turn to boil more of my temper, "It was only in your best interest to wait it out. Let your jet lag settle and unpack, get everything in place before telling you."

Now there was more than just my possessions to unpack.

"How do you know what was in my best interest?" My voice shook with the anger I hadn't allowed myself to feel in ages. Had I even let it shake my core like this when I grieved? I didn't remember it being this commanding.

If only I still had that onion, I'd bop him on the head with it.

I didn't let up, "My best interest was in Russia. Where I could forget English and forget some of my fucked-up trauma, and maybe y'all would forget about me, too, eventually. But you found me, and if I return, there's a chance that I would be found again."

My fingers quickly swiped away a spiteful tear as it spilled over my waterline, before it could be seen moistening my cheek.

"Regardless of where you were, you think that you would have stayed safe there? We were just the first ones to be able to find you," replied Price. A reminder of the conversation we had in my home.

'It's a now or never kind of situation, dear. I won't be back, but I can't promise that people weren't following or tracking me. Eventually, you will be found again, but if you come with me, right now, protection can be more guaranteed.'

Was my protection guaranteed, though? Doubt mingled with my exasperation, and it created a deadly mix. One that might result in me choosing flight instead of fight again.

Couldn't I just put my rose-colored glasses back on and pretend that this never happened? Ghost would no longer be alive, and grief wouldn't suck the patience out of me. I wouldn't be fighting against soldiers who wanted me back on a team I ran from, and I could just eat my stew in peace.