"Absolutely Not."

Chapter 38: Yang

Growing up in a household that possessed very few happy childhood memories which carried through into my adulthood with just as many fond recollections, I never thought devoting myself to another person would ever be possible.

Love was never a card I thought I'd ever be dealt.

Flings were hardly something I associated myself with, and meaningful relationships warranted time that I thought I didn't have.

Nobody wanted someone whose hands had taken more than given, and nobody wanted someone whose schedule didn't accommodate consistency or a harmonious life.

But she did.

God damn, she did, and I loved her even more for it.

Both of us damaged and fucked up, but somehow our broken pieces arranged perfectly to make us seem whole and put together.

With a blood lust that hardly anyone understood or was too scared to talk about and bodies that we both couldn't get enough of — that we thought no one else would enjoy — it felt like it was too good to be true.

I'd thought it was all a dream when she stayed in my flat those couple of weeks, but every morning I'd wake up and she'd be there. So peacefully with skin uncovered and hair undone, her warmth was proof that it wasn't all in my imagination.

There were times when I wondered what the fuck I was doing with a girl like her, someone who understood but yet didn't seem like she should.

I showed her a side of myself that no one else had witnessed before, and she had reciprocated. Vulnerability was not my strong suit, but she made it so easy for me to just open up to where I'd basically been cut along my sternum, cracked open, and let her see the heart that I didn't think held enough room for the both of us initially.

And for her, she had allowed herself to grieve in front of me and heal so freely. Once I stole her away from her flat in America, of course. It just took a hell of a lot of convincing Price to put me on an emergency leave and a surprise rescue of the most stubborn woman I'd ever met, to get there.

The jet lag was worth it, too. Introducing her to my family made everything worth it. Giving myself time to actually love her like she deserved, was all worth every pound and every second I gave for that time in Autumn with her.

Different people we were behind closed doors, and it just... felt right.

Conflict warred inside me. Reason said that it would never work out, explaining that there was no way she'd want to pack up her life and move to Manchester with me. However, inside my core, I had a feeling she would.

I just couldn't ask that of her. It seemed like it would be too much to give up, well, everything for someone like me.

So, why the hell did I get a key made while in Canada with Soap? He'd been distracted while choosing something to send to his sisters, and I saw the opportunity as soon as it struck.

It was so stupid and cheesy, and I expected a slap on my arm or the back of my head for it if I ever summoned up the courage to give it to her. A key with a skull painted on the end, uncut as I didn't have the key to my flat on me to have it copied. So, it stayed in my vest pocket, heavy as a rock.

When learning that she was already gone when I returned, it weighed even heavier.

Everything seemed heavier while trying to figure out her location. Exhaustion created heavy bags under my eyes, making my eyelids feel as though I had twenty-pound weights on each individual one.

I couldn't remember the last time I had a proper sleep. Probably before I left for my mission sometime with Kelsey pressed against me, safe and location known. She was the only way I could get a decent amount of sleep now that I knew what comfort felt like.

For fucks sake, Riley, you sound like a lovesick puppy. Are you that obsessed to where you're able to admit you can't sleep without her?

Yup. And I hated it.

I loved it, simultaneously somehow, too.

I was a goddamn mess.

Forced by Price to at least get a few hours of rest, I came right back to try and locate something. I took the few hours seriously, and the disappointment was evident on his face.

Everyone blamed themselves for Kelsey's capture.

Gaz was beside himself with guilt as he was the one who had given her all of the equipment that we quickly found out had been tampered with, not giving out signals whatsoever.

Johnny didn't show much guilt, but I knew it was there. He'd agreed initially to Kelsey's idea, and it probably ate at him that he didn't disagree with the idea right off the bat with me.

Price even more so since he had let her persuade him into letting her go. We had no idea how she got Alejandro's number, and I didn't care at this point. I just wanted her back.

How she managed to worm herself past my steel barriers to thaw out iced-over emotions and a hardened heart, calloused over from years of mistrust and maltreatment, was beyond me.

It took far too long in my opinion to scour through false reports mixed with falsified locations in order to get an idea of where Kelsey had been taken.

Afghanistan.

Not Alejandro's base. Not even close.

It was entirely in a different direction.

Fuck.

"We're headin' out," I said as soon as I'd found Soap in the cafeteria, stuffing his face with lasagna for lunch. "Twenty minutes."

His words came out his muffled, his cheeks full with noodles and ground beef. "Where we goin', LT?"

"Found Kelsey's location. You, me, Gaz, and maybe a couple other guys to infiltrate the base to get her back."

Adrenaline had already begun to flood my veins just thinking about my gloves smelling like gunpowder again, the smell of blood wafting through my nostrils. The monster that resided inside my chest scratched just below the surface, already eager to crack the skulls of whoever had a hand in capturing the person who actually gave a damn about the existence of that part of me who relished shedding blood.

It brought me back to the conversation I had with the said woman we were about to get, admitting our shared feelings regarding what was not socially accepted.

Her words echoed in my head: "It's the- fuck, I don't wanna say that I get excited about slicing throats, but the satisfaction of wielding death's scythe is... intoxicating."

It was intoxicating, unfortunately. The rush of taking a life that probably had a life outside of the fight. A family, maybe some kids. A wife or husband. In the moment, it didn't matter, and afterwards, well, I tried not to think about the families I'd probably severed just by doing my job.

Kelsey rewired my brain somehow. Made me consider actually starting a family, but the fear of being on the other side of death's scythe kept me from actually asking her about it.

And I definitely tried not to think about what she had go through alone in Russia, brokenhearted from believing I was dead and then having to go through... Jesus. I didn't blame her for it as I probably would have done the same if put in her shoes.

Nobody protested against the last minute decision to leave for a rescue mission. They probably itched as much I did for some action, the possibility of a fight too overwhelming. The reason behind the rescue, too inviting.

Twenty minutes flew by, and we were en route to Kelsey's location, packed in a chopped with only a few other trusted men: Gaz, Soap, and a fourth soldier doubled as a medic named Jack. Plus the pilot. Hoping we wouldn't need Jack for the latter reason, I brought him along for precautionary reasons.

Small and tight-knit, I'd been left with no other option. I had to do it seeing that I couldn't even trust my own team to take my other half safely to where she was supposed to go.

It was better this way. I would have preferred to take the whole goddamn task force, but it seemed like I couldn't trust but just a few people. Whoever brought her to the other side of the goddamn earth, their neck was mine.

I was worse off without her, and I wasn't about to become the person I once was before she came into my life.