Ashes in the Snow

Twenty-Five

We have been on the train for a couple weeks, going from district to district. Things couldn't be better...things are hot and steamy. Coriolanus and I are finally together. We have been trying to keep things on the down low though, with the engagement and all.

Coriolanus has been sneaking into my room and we have been...bonded you could say. The sex has been great; it has been passionate. It isn't just fun, hot sex, it's more than that. It's loving and he is so gentle with me. I feel loved by him.

————

I laugh, looking up at Coriolanus, tangled in the white sheets together. The sunrise is piercing through the window, but Coriolanus' head is blocking it. The sun is beaming around Coriolanus' head, making him look majestic. Orange dances on the walls, surrounding us. Coriolanus' hair looks golden in the sunlight, like a lion's mane. His blue eyes look beautiful like the deep blue ocean. His body, looks strong and muscular. His demeanor is protective, over me.

"You're the most beautiful girl I've ever seen," he says, playing with my hair.

"Well then I guess you haven't seen very many girls," I laugh.

We both laugh and kiss each other more.

"Are you ready for today? It's district 3." He asks.

I get a very unsettling feeling in my stomach. I remember the girl I killed, the one who killed Bianca. This one is going to be worse than Tate's. I didn't necessarily feeling guilt when I was giving my speech in district 5, I felt anger. I felt justified. Everyone in the crowd was quiet, fearing me. And Tate's family...they wouldn't look at me. I assume due to a mix of anger and fear. The girl from district 3, Kimberly, she was the one who killed Bianca, the one who seemed to regret it. I do regret killing her. She was just a girl trying to survive, like me. She wasn't a monster, I was.

"I don't know if I can do it," I say, solemnly.

"You have to," Coriolanus says.

"How am I suppose to look her family in the eye and pretend to be some champion? I killed their daughter in cold blood and she didn't deserve it."

"Ashe, none of you deserved it. But it is what it is, there's no going back. What's done is done."

"I don't know if I'll ever get over it."

"Have you still been having nightmares?"

"Yeah...every night. I see all of them, including Daniel. It's like they're haunting me for my wrongdoings."

"I wish I could stay here with you at night, but you know what would happen if people found out."

"I know, you're right."

"I promise you won't marry Eric. I just need some time to figure some things out. I have a few friends high up."

"Like Dr. Gaul?"

"Yes."

"You know I think she's bad news."

"She's going to take me to where I need to go."

"Don't you have everything you could ever dream of?"

"I'm not where I want to be. I want more and I know I shouldn't."

"Don't tempt yourself with siding with the darkness."

"You know I'm trying."

"I know," I say, playing with is hair. "I just want you to be the best version of yourself that you can be...good."

"I'm trying to be good, I promise." He says, kissing my hand.

"You better get out of here before someone sees you."

"I'll see you later," he says, kissing me on the forehead.

————-

The designer team helps me get dressed up. They have been dressing me in either black or red. They believe those to be colors of power and intimidation. The people call me, 'the ripper.' Coriolanus gleams in proudness and thinks it's remarkable I left that much of an impression. I think it's sick, I also think they're right. How can I blame them? I ripped those kids open, I did it in a gruesome way. I deserve any hatred I receive from the people of the districts.

They have me wearing a black, jumpsuit. It's leather which gives me more edge. I also have black heals on; they want me to appear like a normal girl, as well as intimidating. Since I had cut my hair after the games they just let it stay down, straight.

Marsali walks up to me, "Here are your note cards. It's better if you stick to them."

"Thank you," I mutter, dreading this.

"Okay, it's time. Are you ready?" Marsali asks me.

I nod my head, signaling to her I am. She opens the door and I am blinded by the light. My eyes adjust and I see a very large group of people. I walk on to stage, right up to the microphone with the notecards in my hands. I see Kimberly's family all together; her parents and three sisters. Her parents look devastated and her sisters look hopeless. I would say the guilt came back, however that would be a lie. The guilt is constantly there; when I'm awake and when she haunts me in my dreams. I also see the boy's family. I don't remember his name unfortunately. I don't think I even saw him that much.

I start to read the notecards:

It is my pleasure being here in front of you all. Every district has someone special who is willing to make the greatest sacrifice. Every district has tributes who are loved and are victors in the Capitol's heart-"

"Monster!" Someone from the crowd screams.

I look up from my cards, caught off guard. I look back down to continue.

"Traitor!"

"She didn't deserve to die!"

"Ripper!"

"Capitol scum!"

These were all different things the crowd started yelling at me, hating me. I just stared at the crowd, unable to speak. The words were very hateful, but they were also true. The crowd started freaking out more and eventually I couldn't hear what they were saying. I could only hear a mob, yelling at me. I look up at Kimberly's family and they were just staring at me with both sadness and disgust. That's when I heard the sounds of gunfire from the peacekeepers. This made me jump. And the people started running away as the shots were being fired. I feel someone grab my arm and see it's Coriolanus.

"We need to get you out of here," he said.

He pulls me inside and the peacekeepers shut the door.