Ashes in the Snow

Thirty-Four

It has been a few weeks and I've heard nothing from Coriolanus. I haven't seen him since that night...that awful night. I miss him so much. I miss his smile, his goofy laugh, his warm hugs. I sit on the bed, holding one of his shirts. I bring it up to my nose and smell his scent. That is one thing that helps me feel close to him.

I was able to find out he was sent to district 1. She was a hard bargain, but money isn't an issue for me. I have no idea how long Coriolanus is going to be a peacekeeper. That wasn't exactly specified. I think it's however long that want, until they feel satisfied. When he is no longer himself and is a robot they can control.

I feel awful for everything. A part of me feels like I should've just stayed in district 12 and never returned. Coriolanus would have never been in this mess. I feel scared of what they'll do to him. I'm terrified of them turning him into a monster. One thing I fear more is how he feels about me.

If he hates me.

I can't stand the idea of him hating me. I want nothing more than to be in love and happy with him. He's the love of my life.

Dr. Gaul has kept her promise with not prostituting me out to anyone. We haven't talked since that night either. I haven't really talked to anyone, I have been pretty isolated. I have been writing my mother letters. She knows about Coriolanus being a peacekeeper, but all I told her was that we were in trouble and I couldn't talk about it. She's worried about me, as any mother would be. She's worried that I'm depressed and isolated. She might be right. It's a mix of a lot of things. It's the fact that Coriolanus is gone because of me, because I'm alone and isolated, because of all the trauma I've endured. I still have nightmares from the arena, from all the tributes. Instead of healing and moving forward with my life like I had hoped, I am left with another nightmare. I can't get that night out of my head. The man standing over me, how angry and violent he was. How Coriolanus sacrificed his freedom for mine.

—————

I decide to check the mail downstairs and most of it is junk mail. But at the bottom I see a letter. A wrinkled up letter with chicken scratch handwriting.

It's from Coriolanus.

I open up the letter right away, anxious to read it.

Ashe,
I'm not supposed to be writing to you, so please don't write me back. God I miss you. I just wanted to let you know that I miss you, beautiful. Things here are okay. I'm doing well, given the circumstances. I want you to know that I'm not angry with you. I would do anything for you and I'm sorry you were put in that position. I will do what I have to in order to protect you.

-C.S

My heart flutters and beats faster from the excitement. I feel refreshed to hear from him again. I feel relieved to know he isn't angry with me. There is still hope for us. Hearing from him makes me crave him though. I need to see him. I need a train ticket to district 1.

I walk down to the train station and walk up to the window.

"I need a ticket for district 1," I say.

"Absolutely." The woman says.

I hand her cash and she says, "We prefer cards. Just so the capitol can track easier."

That doesn't help me. I can't be tracked, I can't have anyone following me.

"I'm sorry, I only have cash."

She hesitates. "Okay, only this one time."

"Thank you," I say.

I get on the train and look out the window, ready for a visit with district 1.