Ashes in the Snow

Twenty-Six

My eyes hurt and feel dry from crying. My nose is red and stuffy, and my face is pale from the lack of energy I have from crying. There's purple bags under my eyes, which I usually have, but they're more predominate now than usual.

I don't know if people died or not, I only heard the gunfires. I have a lot of mixed feelings. I don't know if people are dead, and if they are it's my fault. I feel like bad luck on two legs. Wherever I go, death always seems to follow. I feel hurt from the words they used and how they harassed me like that. What was I expecting? They would throw me a welcome party? I deserve every word they spoke. I'm the one who deserves a bullet in the head, like an animal that needs to be put down.

Coriolanus knocked on my door. "Hey, how are you doing?"

"As well as I can be." I reply.

"You know it's not your fault, right?" He asks.

"I don't know that."

"What are you thinking?"

"I think this is all my fault," I say, overwhelmed. "I should've just died in that arena."

Coriolanus comes up to me and gives me a big, warm hug.

"I think you need to talk to someone," he says.

"Like a shrink?" I ask.

"Please don't be so resistant to the idea. I think it could help. You deserve to be happy and to live in peace."

"I'll think about it."

—————

We went through district 2 and there were more peacekeepers than before and they were all armed and almost looked ready to fire. The speech went smoothly. I think it's a mix of me not brutally murdering their loved ones and also fear of the peacekeepers. There's not really much to be said on district 2.

However, we are entering district 1 which I'm anxious about. Everything here reminds me of Bianca. Everything here looks luxurious, very similar to the capitol, which makes sense since district 1 responsible for manufacturing the Capitol's luxurious goods. I could see how district 1 would find themselves to be second class citizens of the Capitol.

"It's better if you stick to the cards like we have been." Marsali says.

"I guess. But I feel like I need to say something about her. She was my friend." I reply.

"I understand, but this is what the capitol wants."

They dress me in a long emerald green dress. The sleeves are long and it's a high neck dress, so it covers my entire chest. It's quite beautiful and tasteful. You wouldn't suspect I came from district 12 if you saw me. I must say, it's easy to hide who you really are behind jewels and gems and everything else that makes you wealthy; a facade. Looking at myself in the mirror, I almost convince myself I'm somebody else. But even with all the nice dress and the jewels, I still feel like I'm just some poor girl from district 12 who is here by mistake.

Coriolanus walks me out to the stage, my arm wrapped around his. District 1 is different from any other district I've been to. They all cheer and clap as we walk out on to the stage. They're rooting for us. They think they're part of the Capitol; a lie.

Coriolanus speaks in the microphone. "Hello, the people of district 1! The Capitol truly admires and loves all of you. Now please let me introduce my victor, Ashe Barrette!"

I hear the crowd whistle and clap. They all love me. I look up at the two families; Allen and Bianca's. I'm surprised to see how they present themselves. Both families, standing upright and confident. I would say they look honorable. But don't let that fool you, I can see it in their eyes; their grief.

I look down at the notecards, Marsali provided.

"Hello, good people of district 1. It's my honor to be here, to celebrate and thank you. We're here to celebrate the lives of both Allen Maki and Bianca Truman. Their sacrifice wasn't in vain, it was a necessity to keep Panem united. And united, we will be stronger than before. I am grateful to be here with you all..."

I look up from the notecards into the crowd. They all look at me like I am supreme being. It's quite scary to see how brainwashed these people are. I think Allen was brainwashed too, into thinking it was an honor to be chosen. The other districts aren't brainwashed like this, but if the games are successful it's possible other districts will develop the same ideology as well. Bianca wasn't like these people though. She knew it wasn't an honor to be chosen, it was a punishment. We will never be part of the Capitol. However, Bianca was strong and noble. She was also strong willed and silly. She was my friend and she deserves more than these damn notecards.

"To the fallen tributes' families, I didn't know Allen very well, but he appeared to be strong and determined. He deserved much better than this and I'm sorry his life was taken by my hands. He will never be forgotten. However, I did know Bianca. She was my ally, but mostly importantly, my friend. I had some time to get to know her and I'm grateful that I was able to know her. She died protecting me and that is a debt I will never be able to repay. She was full of life and didn't take shit from anybody. She is someone I will forever look up to. I'm sorry I wasn't able to save her. But she will live through the stories I pass down and will live in my heart. I will do good by her."

I look at her family and see them all intently looking at me. I make eyes contact with her father and he nods at me, in approval. This warms my heart.

The crowd cheers and claps and we say thank you and leave.

Marsali walks up to me. "You didn't stick to the cards." She says, disapproving.

"It doesn't matter because the people loved it." Coriolanus said. "Im sure the capitol loved it. You did a good job."

I blush a little bit from his compliment.

————

Coriolanus and I are kissing heavily in the sheets. He takes my shirt off and I help him take his off. We're both panting heavily, tangled up with each other. He kisses my neck and takes off my pants. My hands are on his back and I feel the crease where his spine is. He's on top of me and we both pull away and stare at each other, smiling, in love.

We both jump from hearing the door open and see it's Marsali. She looks at us in shock and immediately looks down and walks out, slamming the door shut.

"Shit," I mutter.

I race out of bed and find a pair of sweatpants to thrown on and my shirt. I run out of the room, after Marsali.

"Wait!" I yell, grabbing her arm.

She just looks at me, freighted.

I take my hand off of her arm. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to scare you. It's just that it's important if you don't tell anyone what you saw."

She looks at me, unsurely. I can tell she is unsure what to do. She is in an awkward situation.

"Please? Coriolanus and I are in love and want to be together. We plan on telling people, but we have to take care of my engagement first. Do you understand?"

She nods her head.

"Do you promise?" I ask, worried.

"I promise," Marsali says.