falling for the Badboy

chapter twelve/ one two

I take a seat on the sofa I previously sat on. I lost the strength to keep myself up.

What the actual fuck is happening to my life.

I curse the day I stepped foot into this house.

"Victoria, you can take your time, think about this thoroughly." I hear Isaac speak. His voice sounds so distant, like an echo miles away from here.

I can't even hold back my tears. I've never cried in front of them, no matter what went down. I'd cry in my room afterwards, but never in front of them.

I can't.

I look at the woman that gave birth to me, hoping she'd sympathise with me just this once.

But that's stupid of me. It's Catherine we're talking about. Nothing matters to her more than money and fame.

"Mum?" I say, sobbing as I try to stop my tears.

She looks away from me.

How loving of her.

"So you're just going to stand there and watch him put me in a fucking dilemma?" I cry out. "Of course you are, because to you, I'm nothing but a ticket to getting even more famous."

"Mum you know why I avoid being on social media, you know I can't stand being around too many people, you know that. All I needed was an ounce mother, an ounce of your love. I've attended every party you needed me to, it was never enough was it?"

I think I'm not even making sense at this point.

"Victoria I-"

"You what? He has the guts to make me this stupid deal because you fucking allowed it Mum, you're the one that owns full custody of me, not him."

"Victoria, please calm down."

"What now Isaac? Huh? What more do you fucking want?"

"You join in on our family ways and get to see your grandma every weekend? That's a nicer way of emotionally blackmailing me Isaac and you're okay with that?"

I run out of the room and go straight into my room. I make sure to lock the door behind me.

I replay our conversation while tears run down my face.

"I can't accept that deal Isaac, but I'll be seeing my grandma either ways."

"If you do, we report you as a run away and your grandma gets in trouble. I'll make sure to get a restraining order against her. Think about it thoroughly Victoria."

I can't control myself anymore. I just can't.

I search the drawers on my nightstands for a lighter.

Please Victoria, don't do this.

The voice in my head is too faint to convince me otherwise.

Having no time to pull down my pants and do what I am about to on a rather secretive area of my body, I light the lighter and place it on my left arm bicep.

I haven't done this in a long time. I was finally getting in a better place. Everything was getting better.

Why Mum? Why?

I just wanted to see my grandma. Is that too much to ask for?

IT FUCKING BURNS.

But it's helping ease my emotional pain. I can endure the physical pain better.

I need to stop. But if I do, I won't be able to deal with the pain I'm feeling inside.

I can hear my name being called. Sounding so distant. I hear a loud thud and the next thing I see is Isaac slapping my lighter away from me.

I wasn't able to register what was going on. But I knew for sure that I needed to see grandma.

I rushed out of the house. I never stopped running till I reached grandma's front door.

I could only do up a small and soft knock. I was tired, burnt out and in in pain.

Well, it seemed my knock was loud enough. Hailey opened the door for me, grandma was right behind her.

The look on her face when she saw me crying at her front door was really heartbreaking. I never wanted her to worry about me so much.

It was supposed to be my mother's job.

I wish I'd see her really worry about me.

Grams ushered me in without saying a word. She just knows me so well, I wish my mother did.

She sat me down on  the couch, still not asking me what happened. Why can't my mum be like her?

I could hear her talking to Hailey but their voices were nothing but a distant memory. It happens to me when I'm too broken to deal with my shit.

I just zone out completely.

She then looked at my burn, her face getting even more worried. I saw Hailey bring out the first-aid kit, probably for grams to get my burn cleaned.

She still asked no questions. Why can't this be you,mum?

I wasn't feeling anything. It didn't hurt,what hurt was.....mum.

Grams bandaged my wound after disinfecting it. She also gave me some painkillers and some milkshake afterwards.

She put me to bed if I remember perfectly. How I slept? I don't remember.

                            °°°°°°°
Ouch.

This fucking hurts.

I brought it upon myself so now it's time to pay the consequences. I know better than to complain.

I'll have to put on my big girl pants and fucking deal with it.

I got up and spread the bed as best as one arm could allow. I took a bath right after and put on  grey sweat shorts and a black t-shirt. I always have extras at grandma's.

I went downstairs to have breakfast because I was starving and now I need to talk to grams. She deserves an explanation, and I know she won't ask, she's waiting for me to be ready.

I'll honestly never be ready so it's now or never.

"Good morning bunny, did you like your pancakes?"

There's never 'Not liking' grandma's food. It's always good and she knows it.

"I... I loved them." Damn my voice sounds.....horrible.

"Come on, let's take a seat."

I take the seat next to hers, I need that.

It is time I accepted my bad habits and seeked help before it's too late.

Hot showers, very hot showers to help me relax? I love to feel my skin burn because it eases my torturous thoughts.

That's fucking unhealthy and no better than using a lighter to burn myself.

I had stopped doing it for 3 months straight and here I am, relapsing.

I need help.

"Victoria, you can talk to me." She says, wiping my tears away. It's serious, she only calls me by my name when it's really really serious.

"Grams....I burn myself, I pull at my hair, I cut my skin till blood drips out.....I-."

She cuts me off by hugging me, making sure not to hurt my arm. I'm horrible, I don't deserve this.

"You don't have to tell me why you do it, why you self harm bunny. But if you want the help then we're getting it. I just wish you told me sooner."

"I was too ashamed, I still am."

"You've been through alot, you're a strong girl. A fighter. And I love you more than anything bunny, you're all I have left. I don't like seeing you in pain."

"Your mother called me and will probably be here soon. I'll send you Dr Hall's address, she'll help, and be nice to her, she gives cookies."

We need to talk some more, but not today.

Maybe some of it.....today.