falling for the Badboy

chapter seventeen

I'm not the typical goody two shoes type of girl. I've hurt others when I was hurt, I've hurt others without even meaning to, I've been rebellious even when I knew whatever was suggested was good for me and I've let my pride get in the way—many times.

While my mind was trying to think hard about what Christian said, he was looking at me with his blue globes carrying different kinds of emotions.

Anger–I understand because he hates me.

Hurt— maybe because he gaslighted himself into thinking that I lied to him, I swear I didn't.

Pity? Why would he pity me? Is it because he thinks of himself as the most high while I'm nothing but an irritating mosquito?

Technically, he was looking at me, but when I zeroed in on his line of vision, I couldn't help but feel really embarrassed.

He was looking at my arm. The part where I burnt myself.

My sleeve must have gone up when I threw myself on Alexis' bed. My shirt was big  enough to hide that part. I removed my bandage before coming here in fear that people might ask questions. Everything went well until Christian's lingering gaze landed on it.

I quickly pulled my sleeve down, hoping he didn't see anything while knowing that he actually did but I'd rather not think he did.

"What happened to your arm, Victoria?"

Fucking fuck.

"Nothing that concerns you. Leave."

"What. Happened. To. Your. Arm?"

If that was his attempt at intimidating me, well it worked out.

"I burnt myself while making coffee." I blurted out.

I know I owe him nothing and that I don't need to answer to him for anything. But deep down, I know he knows what this is and my answer was just an attempt to making him question what he knows.

"I don't know what's going on with you this time around but that needs to stop. It's pathetic."

What's going on with me this time around? What does he know about me?

"Pathetic? Yes I know its pathetic but I also know it's non of your business Christian. What now? You want to judge me because you have a perfect little life? You go through shit too and your way of handling it might be different or healthier but that gives you no right to call me pathetic."

I know he was right. And that's what hurt the most. I was ashamed of my behaviour and he didn't have to add salt to the wound.

I shouldn't have come here, it was stupid anyway. I know why I stay away from people, I don't need to have friends because they'll ask questions.

Questions I'm too afraid to answer. Coward? Maybe, but finding it in my heart to open up to someone will always be hard and I'm definitely not willing to.

With that, I stood up and headed for the door but halfway there, I heard Christian say " Victoria, I didn't mean it like that, I-"

My feet couldn't stop moving and I tuned out his voice. I didn't want more words describing how much of a loser I actually am.

I walked downstairs  and said goodbye to Raven and lexi before leaving.

Raven asked questions as to why I was leaving all of a sudden and if Christian had anything to do with it but I lied saying I had to help my mum with something. I could tell she didn't believe me and it really didn't bother me one bit.

Yes I'm horrible, okay?

My drive home was nothing but my mind swimming in a pool of self pity and self hate. That never leads to something good and that's why I chose not to take a bath when I got home. I just changed into my pajamas and decided not to have dinner.

I'm trying really hard to not self harm but if I took that shower, I sure as hell would have burnt my skin under the water with how bad of a wreck I'm in.

Why didn't I eat though?

Well, when I get like this, eating is the worst idea. A full stomach only gives me the advantage of vomiting every bit because I feel like it eases my sorrow.

I really am pathetic.

☆~☆~☆

This morning was like any other. I woke late and was therefore late for school.

Skipped breakfast because I had no time and if I'm honest, I wasn't even hungry. I had no food last night but I still just wasn't hungry.

I know I was sinking down a black hole but what could I do? The only thing I was looking forwards to was seeing Dr. Halls after school.

I was zoning out a little too much. Coming to school was pointless because I didn't learn anything but a new doodle pattern.

I pretty much avoided Raven and Alexis or anyone I knew the entire morning. I really hate what I'm doing but it's for the best.

I need my walls back up in place. I can't afford to drown anyone else with me.

They'll hurt me if I stay and maybe I'll hurt them too. There's no point in being friends anyways, I'm too screwed up for that shit.

That's why I had my lunch in my car, a granola bar and some water. I know it isn't food enough but it is what it is.

I decided to go to the bathroom before my last class.

Biggest mistake.

I did all my bathroom routines, I stared at myself in the mirror as I washed my hands. I couldn't bear with the fact that the girl staring back at me was a disappointment. When did I become this human being? I needed all the help Dr. Halls could offer because I can't keep doing this to myself.

I need a way to cope with all my mummy issues. A healthier way to get better.

"You done looking at yourself like you've seen a ghost in the mirror?"

How do I run away from this?  How do I explain this to her incase my legs fail to run away?

Do I just ignore her? That way, she'll hate me and I won't have to be afraid of running into her.

"What's up with you pretty girl?"

Huh.

Raven.