The Deal

Thirteen-Imani

This is the fifth time my date has checked his phone. When Andrew told me he'd successfully matched me with a man named Ben Phuckitt, I thought the app was some sort of scam. It turns out I'm wrong. The diner we chose for our date seems somber so far. I love the atmosphere. As I turn my fork into a bowl of spaghetti, I realize Mr. Phuckitt's eyes are still glued to his phone.

"Ben?" I call him. He doesn't reply. "Hello? Ben?"

He startles and lifts his head. "Oh, I'm so, so sorry, Imani. Please, don't think I was looking at the time or anything. There was someone blowing up my phone and so I wanted to look." His face lights up when he smiles, and then I awkwardly smile back.

Phuckitt's a regular guy, with round glasses, light skin, and neck so thick, I wonder how he's able to turn around. He takes a sip of wine and shoots me a wink.

"So, Imani, you said you have two kids, right?"

I nod. "Yeah. They're both twelve. They're very interesting if you get to know them."

He giggles, and to be honest, I don't think I've ever come across anybody who giggles like he does. It's a mixture of a hyena and a clown. This might sound harsh, but I'd rather fall from a building than listen to this awful noise for the rest of my life. His laugh keeps echoing in my head, but to silence it, I try to imagine Andy walking behind my back and massaging my shoulders.

"Children are amazing and complicated. It's why I love them. They're almost like women, in a way." He almost chokes on his wine when he covers his mouth with his hand.

"Oh, my, Mr. Phuckitt. Are you saying we act like children?"

"No. That's not what I mean." He raises his hand, shaking his head. "I mean, women are complicated and children are complicated in their own way."

I chuckle. "Well, people say it's true, but we're human. We're not perfect, just like you guys," Phuckitt chuckles along with me. This date has been very awkward. Anytime we bring up a topic to discuss, it either ends with him uttering out something offensive, or the conversation going nowhere. He and I have absolutely nothing in common. Phuckitt is a handsome man, but sitting here, I've felt nothing but the need to walk out of here.

There's a bit of silence around us as we munch on spaghetti. It lasts for a short while before Phuckitt comes up with another topic for the night. "I'll tell you the truth, Imani. This has been the most perfect date I've been on."

I force a grin. "Really? The others?"

"Oh, they all ended terribly. Can you believe it? I've-"

His phone chimes, and immediately some form of hope fills me. If he picks up the call, and he tells me he has to go for an important meeting at work, I'll happily return to my home to stay with Maya and Richelle, and get lost in my book.

When he's done talking on the phone, he paints a smile on his face. "Sorry, again. Um....please, don't be weirded about when I tell you this, okay?"

"All right," I reply. He's either a serial killer or some homicide detective.

He hesitates a bit. "My mother is coming to meet us."

My jaw hangs and I nearly drop my fork. "Pardon me?"

He scoffs. "Yeah. She's overly protective of me. You know, she's the mother who uses all kinds of methods to make sure I'm a better man."

What the hell is going on right now? I can't believe this is happening.

"I'm confused. Why is she—"

"Here she comes now," Phuckitt says. "Mama!"

When I thought the evening couldn't get any worst, I look over my shoulder and a plump woman sprint towards our table. The guests are staring at us, and I feel myself turning red.

"Hello, sorry I'm late," his mother squeaks; she swings her bag over her forearm and places it beside her. She's heaving a breath so much it's making her cleavage move in a way I feel very uncomfortable to watch. She's so huge when Phuckitt shifts to give her space. He squeezes himself a little against the window. Phuckitt forces a smile and he's looking very uneasy. I can't believe this is happening.

"You must be Imani, my son's date," she says, giving me her hand. I shake it. "Yes. Nice to meet you."

Other couples seated around are snickering as they sneak glances at us. I feel my stomach churn. "I know this feels different, Imani," she continues. "But this is normal for us. My son has trouble with the ladies. He's not like his big brother. We're trying so hard to get him to come out of his shell and find a woman to marry so I can have grandkids. He's a bit shy, but deep down he's a sweet, charismatic, and sexy young man. Aren't you, Benjy?"

The look on Phuckitt's face says kill me now. I kind of feel for him. "Yeah, mama," he responds timidly.

"I keep telling him to put himself out there and find a woman or else he'll still be living with his dad and me by the time he's fifty. Can you believe he's forty-eight, and he still sleeps next to me in my bed?"

The couple a few distances from us cackle quietly, and Phuckitt is blushing like crazy. I'm feeling very bad for him now. "Oh, I see."

For some time, Phuckitt's mom, and I engage in this nightmare of a date, until finally, Phuckitt suddenly breaks into tears.

"I can't do it, mama!" Phuckitt cries. "I can't do this. This dating thing is too hard. I can't talk to women. I'm not like my brother. I don't know how to flirt. I don't know how to do anything."

After bawling his eyes out, he lays his head on his mother's cleavage. She wraps her huge arms around him. "Aw, Benjy. Benjy. It's okay. Mama's here. We'll find more women for you. Don't you worry."

People are staring and giggling, and I try to get their attention. "Um, hello? I think...." They're both ignoring me. In order not to interrupt the family drama before me, I quickly get up. "I want to use the bathroom," I say to them before getting the hell out of here.