The Guy I Called My First Love

Chapter 17

I reached for the cup of water and drank it like a shot glass, and I thought the cup would break when I slammed it hard on the island counter. My head aches like crazy after Asher left the room. I thought I will be okay if I will get myself busy with the guests but I gave up and went straight to the kitchen because I might throw up because of this headache. 

I am the only one in here and I cannot find kuya except for my father who is in the living room, busy interacting with the people I do not know of. 

Papa and kuya will stay here for 2 weeks max because they volunteer to help Grace's family for the lamay and the funeral. Kuya is now jobless so he cannot complain about not assisting the poor family. I think Tita and I are now okay because she hugged me when we saw each other earlier. 

I hope her husband explained everything to her to calm her down like that. I'm glad we did not pulled out each other's hairs.

Nasa sala ang kabaong ni Grace at tapos na ako kanina magbigay ng dasal sa kaniya at hindi ko pa rin matanggap na wala na siya. Parang sinaraduhan ako ng langit at hindi umaayon ang pangyayari sa gusto ko. 

Naisip kong, may rason ba talaga ang lahat kaya ito nangyayari? 

Katulad na lamang ng pagkawala rin ni Mama, lesson ba talaga ang purpose kaya siya namatay?

Napayuko ako nang may tumulong luha sa mga mata ko pero kaagad ko iyon pinahid ng aking kamay at saka iniwan ang baso at pumunta sa likod-bahay nila Grace. 

I tried to focus my attention on the ground when flock of people greeted me condolences. But I could not just ignore them even I do not know them, I tried to smile but I cannot that deny it didn't reach my eyes. Then my gaze settled on a woman holding her phone above her head facing the living room, and where the people giving their prayers for Grace. 

My body wanted to grab her phone and slammed it on the floor so that she may realize what the hell she was doing. But after she smiled wide on the camera and her phone flickered several times, I could not do anything. I was just fixed on the ground while she was documenting everything. 

The woman did not notice me staring at her and I just exited the entire scene as if it did not hurt me even a little.

I bit my lower lip to prevent myself from cursing things on that woman. 

How could she be so brazen taking a fucking picture of that? Nandito lang ba siya para kumuha ng litrato at mag-update sa instagram niya, para masabi ng mga followers niya na may awa siya para mag-attend ng lamay? 

It sounds disrespectful and pathetic for me. 

Can't we just take a moment to enjoy the time instead of taking a picture of it? Is it really necessary to document everything? 

I think my head is going to explode real soon and luckily there is no one in the backyard. 

I just find myself crawling for the folding chair under the perola arch because my knees turned jelly when now that no one's looking at me. Parang nawala ng lahat ng lakas ng loob ko kapag ako lang mag-isa. Bumigat din ang puso ko lalong-lalo na ang ulo ko at parang gusto ko na lang din matulog at hinding-hindi na gigising. 

Hindi ko na napigilan ang hikbing lumabas mula sa bibig ko at matagumpay kong naabot ang upuan at saka umupo rito. Kahit walang nakatingin ay tinakpan ko ang mukha ko gamit ang aking dalawang palad saka nagpakawala ng hagulhol na sana walang makakarinig sa akin. 

Akala ko wala ng lalabas na luha at akala ko pagod na akong umiyak ay may naiwan pa pala. 

Alam kong hindi nakakatulong ang pag-iyak ng ganito at dapat maging malakas ako sa mga oras na ito pero sino ba ang niloloko ko.