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December 24th, 2006
I have to say, looking back, this year has been the most eventful of my lifetime. Working at Studio 60, I've made some of the greatest memories. Specifically with a special person that I'm honored to call my friend, Harriet. The blonde has stuck beside me since the moment I walked in the door. I was most certain that we wouldn't get along, due to previous experiences of mine, but she completely changed my mind.
I'll say I had a lot of preconceptions of her due to her faith and I unfairly misjudged her for it. Once I got to know I her, I realized just how open she was. I've always believed that—following the notion he exists—god loves all people. Harriet and I connected on that point and never looked back. Even though I don't necessarily believe, I support her faith and she supports me as well.
Tonight is Christmas Eve and everyone is supposed to be meeting at the bar. I debated on whether I'd actually go for many reasons. One of the biggest being Harriet but not just her; it's really Matt. Their constant on-again-off-again thing brings her much stress and therefore worries me too. I care about her a lot, more than I probably should.
I can't force her into leaving him and if that's not what she wants, I'm not going to fill her head with judgements either. Yet, every time I see them together I get this pain in my chest. At first I thought it might just be because I'm not attracted to men myself and it never made sense how someone so intelligent and beautiful could be with some like... well him.
Not to say Matt isn't a great guy, he is! He's funny and charming and if I was straight I might be attracted to him, myself. He's truly and all-American kinda guy but I just don't think they're compatible. Which lead me to believe that maybe I was just jealous and that made me feel like a terrible friend for a while. How could I be angry when she's only doing what makes her happy?
Until I realized, she wasn't as happy as she made it seem. The first night she came to our dressing room and cried into my arms was the day I died a little inside. She said she would leave him but—like most toxic relationships—she didn't. I don't blame her, she didn't know how. I extended myself to her, offered to help, to be there when she did it as encouragement but she declined.
So I've, quite painfully, let her do what she wants. That part of her life is separate from the one we have together. She doesn't even bring up Matt in our conversations anymore. I felt awful about it at first, thinking that I'd somehow let on my severe distrust of the man but that faded away. Now it's almost like he doesn't exist when we're alone, it's just us.
With that thought circling, I make up my mind that I will go to this bar tonight. I can't let a single person stop me from enjoying my life. Besides, he'll be there but when Harriet and I get around each other, he tends to make a getaway. I get the feeling he doesn't like me but I don't mind because it's mutual. All that truly matters is that we respect each other both professionally and as individuals.
