A December to Remember

wish y(u)letide were gay |x.t|

CW: cussing, mention of yelling/slight violence, seasonal depression, toxic relationship

As the last holiday of the year gets closer and closer, I become even more restless. You'd think the days would get happier as it approaches but it's the exact opposite. At first, I was with all the Christmas spirit and I even thought this year might really be the turn around for me. Yet it was only delayed as I'm realizing now.

I'm not really sure what it is about the holiday season that really gets me down, maybe it's family. I can remember times when it was happy, when we left cookies out for Santa, but it feels like so long ago. Now it's just a time we gather and pretend we like each other for a few days until it's back to normal.

Still, that's not even what bothers me. Of course that's a part of the reason I don't like the season but this year, that's not my problem. This year, it's her. Long blonde hair and pretty brown eyes with an obsession for gum and heels. My best friend, Xandra. I think it's pointless to say but I'll say it anyway—I'm in love with her.

She's the most beautiful woman I've ever seen and there's nothing I don't love about her. All the things she thinks are flaws are what make me fall for her even harder. Her sometimes snippy attitude, her little lisp that I find adorable, even her forehead that she thinks is a little too big. Everything that makes her who she is, is exactly why I can never seem to turn away from her.

Even when she's in love with someone else. The thing is, Larry and her aren't even together—not officially. They broke up a while ago but I'm sure she's not over it. For one, she still wears the necklace he gave her towards the beginning of their relationship. In fact, he didn't even buy it, I was there when she purchased it.

She got him a matching bracelet that he broke days after receiving it. I remember how mad she was because he didn't think it was a big deal at all; it wasn't his 'style' he had said. Despite all that, every time I talk to her feels just like the first time. Nerves course through my body and yet, at the same time, I've never felt more at ease.

Being around Xandra, talking to her, holding her, it's bittersweet. Even though I know she loves me—which should be enough—it never feels adequate. So I sit here and watch movies alone while she's probably cuddled up with a man that doesn't deserve her. My phone rings and I pause the movie to answer it.

"Hello?" I mumble, "M-Merle?" I sit up straighter as I hear the distress in her voice and a bad feeling washes over me. "Xan? What happened?" I didn't even need to ask, I already know what's going on. "Just meet me at The Venetian—if you can—please..." she whispers and I sigh softly, "of course. I'll be there in half an hour" I tell her.

She mutters a 'thank you' before hanging up the phone and I stare at it for a second. I pull myself up and slip on shoes, grabbing my keys and heading to my car. The drive was unbearable and it certainly wasn't the horrendous traffic. My thoughts raced the entire time to her hotel room, scared for what I'd be met with once I saw her.

This isn't abnormal for us to meet here. In fact, she didn't even need to tell me the room number because she always gets the same one. My heart threatens to beat through my ribs as I knock on the door, my hands lightly trembling. I hadn't prepared to see her tonight and with only a half hour to push my feelings down, I'm not sure how this'll go.

She opens the door and pulls me in before I can get a good look at her, locking the door and turning her back. I don't speak for a second out of shock and fear because she's never acted like this. Of course we've been in these situations before and I've consoled her through them all but this somehow feels different.

"Hon-" before I can get it out, I'm cut off by her crying. I gently usher her towards the bed and sit down, pulling her next to me and holding her close. She clings to me and rests her head on my chest as I stroke her hair and fight back tears of my own. I would pay insane amounts of money for him to feel even a fraction of the pain he brings to Xandra.