good enough ; odesu

14.

after that certain talk, the two spent some time in dead silence. it was not technically awkward, at least for seungmin it was comforting even in some way. he had so much to say, yet couldn't even bring himself to utter a single word. 

his mind was a pure mess, thought after thought piling up on each other and he thought his head just couldn't take it all in anymore. he wanted to let it all out and say just whatever would roll off his tongue but he stayed silent, for the sake of not saying anything too stupid, which he knew he would say if he opened his mouth. 

one thing he managed to do was to calm the elder down. he didn't say anything, just kept twirling the strands of jungsu's hair on his fingers, letting him lean against his chest as he did so and after some time, jungsu managed to fully stop crying. 

he was kind of glad even seungmin stayed silent and didn't say anything. at least he told him and was sure that seungmin wouldn't hate him. that was all that mattered to him. another thing was what the younger actually was thinking and not saying. jungsu's mind kept jumping to the thought of seungmin actually being really disgusted by him and just not saying it out loud for the sake of him but jungsu would just love to believe that seungmin truly thought what he said. 

and only after a long silence, when jungsu was repeating the scene and their exchanged words in his mind to make sure that everything was okay, he realized what he had said when explaining to seungmin why he didn't answer his calls back then. 

jungsu didn't know how seungmin would understand his words which in fact were genuine words of confession coming from the bottom of his heart. he truly meant every single word he had said and honestly he didn't even think before saying it, it kind of rolled off his tongue before he would realize what he was about to say. 

thinking about it, he did regret it, but at the same time not really. seungmin might have got it just like a friendly love and that would be totally fine for jungsu because that way he wouldn't be putting himself in a very awkward situation. but if seungmin got it the way jungsu actually meant it then there were more possibilities of what could have happened. 

and jungsu didn't know which one to believe in the first place. it was so hard to know what seungmin was thinking especially when the two were sitting in a complete silence and the elder wasn't even looking at him to try and read his facial expressions. 

so to say he was anxious ever since he realized what slipped from his tongue would be a total understatement. jungsu would love to believe the younger loved him back. of course he would. if it was so, then he literally had nothing else to ask for. but if seungmin didn't, that would be okay with him. well, of course he would be beyond hurt, obviously, but he would rather for seungmin not return the feelings and stay as his close friend. 

because, as he himself admitted to the younger just a few moments before, he indeed loved seungmin so much. too much to be able to bear with the pain if he left. 

「🌠」

one thing seungmin forgot that day was that his university somehow very strictly managed attendance. he never was the one to skip. he remembered going there ⸺ his parents forcing him to go there even when he was sick and could barely breath. literally.