Scattering Lilac Ashes

Chapter Seventy-Eight

It felt like a bad dream, the sight of Asher almost doubling over with laughter in the face of the confession she'd tried so hard to get out over the past week. She couldn't even see him now, the tears in her eyes overtaking her vision entirely.

She spun around, about to reach over and grab her bag when Asher seized her arm.

He was still laughing. She turned to face him again, anger flaring – what was he playing at? Why was he even touching her? Clearly, she was disgusting – not suitable to be a partner in any sense of the word, never mind romantically. She had to leave – cut all ties with him, the investigation, and everything that they'd had to protect herself from further harm.

But as her eyes travelled up to his face, blinking back her tears, she caught sight of tears falling down Asher's own face. The laughter that she thought she'd heard just now – was that... sobbing? Had he been sobbing from the start? Why would he be sobbing? Was the idea of Lila confessing to him that depressing?

"Even... when my wildest dreams are answered, and everything that I've ever wanted is right in front of me," he whispered, his entire body trembling. "I still can't have it."

His grip on her arm tightened, before gently releasing the pressure entirely. She abandoned her original plan of escape for the moment as she stood there, transfixed and waiting for him to continue. The cogs of her mind were turning slowly, unable (or unwilling) to speculate what he meant. The fact that he was crying... whatever he was feeling must've been intense – that, at least, was apparent.

"S-Sorry," Asher finally said, wiping away his tears. "I... sorry. This... is fucked."

It was as though his words were armed with knives, digging deep into her chest, cutting her heart and her soul. Fucked? What? Her confession? Should she take it back? Pretend it never happened? What did he mean, wildest dreams? He still can't have it?

"I... I'm so confused," Lila uttered quietly. Asher gave her a watery smile and gestured for her to sit down. She did, though she was still in half a mind to leave and start walking home. He sat down as well and took a big, gulping breath.

"Lila, I like you too," he admitted after a pause, his voice quivering with each syllable. "In that way. Not just as my best friend. I have done since about Grade 7 or 8. Even when I was with Holly... I thought I'd finally shaken it, that I'd given up on the idea of us together. Then we got paired for English. That... was the happiest I'd felt since, well... since Mum went missing. And when you noticed that I'd... changed a bit... that was the second happiest I'd felt since Mum went missing. But then I felt so guilty. Guilty about having a crush on you while being with Holly. So I tried to push it down. It didn't work."

He looked back at Lila, pain contorting his strikingly handsome face. "She's ruined me, Lila. Even though we're done, she's still fucking haunting me. She's ruined me, and now she's ruined the one thing that I thought would never happen. And I can't do that to you. I can't... I can't give myself to you when I'm this broken. And I'm so fucking angry with myself..."

He gave a short, sarcastic laugh before continuing. "She asked me out, and I thought that she was pretty and smart and good at debating, so why not give it a go? If I'd only known that you'd finally start to like me back, I would've turned her down."

As soon as the words left his lips, he crumpled, his head almost falling into his lap as he began to openly sob. Lila tried to comprehend what Asher had said to her. He... liked her? For years? Even while dating Holly?

The dying embers of hope that she'd been snuffing out over the past week or so flickered to life within her. Though... the imagery of Lila smiling the afternoon she found out Asher had dumped Holly flashed in her mind's eye, its sudden appearance nearly blowing them out completely. Aside from feeling utterly disgusted with herself, the thought that Holly was no longer in the way after Asher dumped her was evidently entirely wrong. Somehow, she was still in the way...