Words Best Left Unsaid

why

Why do I have to suffer this pain because you can't manage your anger. Why do I have to suffer and learn what you call love, when I don't get the love you show them. I get the rage filled, sliced across the face love. I get the in my face screaming at me love. I have known love, but my image of it has long been twisted. I no longer think I know love because everyone lies to me. You tell me to shut up when I make a joke, and she takes your side. I know no love, I know only hatred for those damn words you tell me. "Do better" but then you turn around and tell me that I never do. Because you have trained me to say I will do better, but then you shatter all of what I have because it will never be good enough again. I passed my CNA class, did you even notice? No. You slammed your hands on the counter and yelled at me for talking so much. You do not love me, the words out of your mouth will never be true. I wish they were, I wish nothing more than to know parental love, to know I am not alone and people are proud of what I do. I hold a 4.0 in my senior year of highschool, did you notice? No you yell at me when one dropped do to the teacher not being here. You tell me I'm stupid, so I paint my skin red with those words. And then you tell me to do better so I find a new area to paint red on my skin. You tell me that I am not important and I'm self centered, and as my soul cries for the little bit she just lost, I paint red acrossed my skin. You cause my pain, and you continue to cause my pain. Everyday is a new battle, but I want to know. If I died. Would you remember me as your loving daughter, or the girl who kept making mistake after mistake trying to keep you happy. I think we both know which one you'd think of though.