IN MY HEAD
“GOOD MORNING, SLEEPYHEAD.” bati ko kay Haze.
Sa wakas, nagising na rin ang prinsesa. Kanina ko pa ginagalaw yung kumot niya pero ang tagal niya magising. Parang ʼdi man lang niya maramdaman na nandito ako.
“Shocks.” She rose up from her bed with a frown. “Why are you here Cyrus?”
“Andito ako para sunduin ka.” agad kong sagot.
“Sunduin? Anong meron?” tanong niya pa.
“May pasok malamang.” I pretend to roll my eyes.
“Give me five minutes.” aniya saka humiga ulit.
“Bumangon ka na dʼyan.” sabi ko saka dahan-dahan ko siyang hinila sa braso para bumangon na siya. “Matagal ka pa namang kumilos kaya maligo ka na. Hintayin kita sa sala.”
I didnʼt want her to misinterpret my sudden behavior. Iʼm gonna be completely honest to myself. I like Haze. At andito ako ngayon sa harap niya para sunduin siya. Hindi ko naman gawain ang sunduin siya maliban na lang kung may event at sabay kami ng oras ng pagpunta o ʼdi naman kaya ay sasamahan ko siya sa kung saʼn man niya gustong pumunta. Sinusundo ko rin siya kapag nagpaplano kaming gumala. It wasnʼt really only because of acts of service.
Today is the day where I would make things obvious. Gusto kong iparamdam sa kaniya na gusto ko siya. Gustong-gusto ko siya, sa totoo lang. Hindi niya napapansin. Hindi ko rin naman pinapahalata. Mas lalo namang hindi niya mahahalata dahil mas nakatuon ang atensyon niya sa ibang tao at sa ibang bagay.
Iʼm so deeply inlove with her.
She was always real... To her words, to her actions, to love. She was never fake to everyone. The only one sheʼs never real towards was to herself.
Ang tanging problema lang ay sa sobrang tagal na naming magkaibigan, hindi ko maamin-amin sa kaniya ʼyung tunay kong nararamdaman. Lagi akong walang pagkakataon para masabi iyon sa kaniya.
Kaklase ko siya mula elementary hanggang highschool. We were inseparable. Ilang beses na nga kaming napagkamalan na ‘in a relationshipʼ. I so love the idea of that. Unfortunately, I could only live that moment in my head.
Noong bata pa kami, may gusto na ako sa kaniya. Sheʼs really adorable when she cries, and definitely when she laughs. She was very jolly. She was outgoing, friendly and talks a lot. She has many stories she wants to tell to everyone. That includes me. I like how she does everything her own way.
Nahihiya ako umamin noon kasi mga bata pa kami. Sinabi ko kay papa na gustong-gusto ko si Haze ʼyon. He said, I was too young to feel such emotions. Thatʼs ironic. Talagang masasabi niyang masyado pa akong bata para maramdaman na siya na ʼyung gusto kong pakasalan paglaki ko. I was too young to think of such things. So thatʼs why I didnʼt even confess my feelings. Not even telling her that I find her cute and fun.
When we were in high school, mas lalong lumalim ʼyung nararamdaman ko. It wasnʼt just a crush anymore. But who knows? It might be just some puppy love. Itʼs pretty normal in teens, right?
...
“HAZE, MAY SASABIHIN AKO SA ʼYO.” I was feeling kinda nervous at the moment. I still donʼt know kung anong isasagot niya sa akin. Would it be that she likes me also? Or just a plain rejection?
Finally, ito na ʼyung pagkakataon na aamin na ako sa kaniya.
“Ay ako rin.” I could see, she was beaming with excitement.
“Ikaw muna.” sambit ko.
“Crush ko ʼyung pinakamatalino sa section natin.”
Oh... She likes someone else.
“Thatʼs nice.” I put up a smile. Showing that Iʼm strong and I wasnʼt affected.
“Eh ikaw, ano naman ʼyung sasabihin mo?”
“Ahm ano...” I was so stupidly brainy enough that I have thought an alibi. “May bagong food stall akong nadaanan malapit dito sa school. Gusto mo bang puntahan natin?”
“Game ako agad dʼyan! Hindi mo na dapat itinatanong ʼyan, Cyrus!”
There she was again, smiling wide with her eyes sparkling at the thought of a new food stall.
...
THAT HAPPENED. May nagugustuhan na siyang iba noʼng panahon na ʼyon. Hindi ko na naamin sa kaniya.
Haze was as pretty like her sister. I was always shipped with her sister since we were at the same age. I donʼt like it and always clarify to everyone that I donʼt like Frankie nor was I going to admit that I like someone else. Since Haze was a mixture of pretty and cute, maraming nagkakagusto sa kaniya. She could have or pick any guy if she wanted too. And so she did. I was still behind her, supporting her.
Sheʼs been through breakups and Iʼve been always there for her, silently and patiently admiring her. If no one would pursue her and treat her like a queen, I will. But I didnʼt always have the chance.
Kahit na walang kasiguraduhan na may pag-asa ako o wala, umaasa pa rin ako. Hindi man ako ang makatuluyan niya hanggang dulo, I would make sure that my admiration for her remains the same.
It may sound delusional but in my head, I could feel that she also feels the same way towards me.
...
NORMAL LANG NAMAN ANG NAGING DALOY NG ORAS. Pumunta kami sa school at nagklase.
Nuʼng breaktime na, pinuntahan niya ako sa room namin. Hindi ko nga inaakalang siya pa ang pupunta sa room ko para yayain akong sabayan siya na kumain ng lunch.
Kasabay kong lumabas si Marcus ng room at iyon nga ang naabutan namin. Well, normal naman na iyan sa paningin ni Marcus. Sa totoo lang, itong pagkagusto ko kay Haze, wala pa akong pinagsasabihan. Not even my closest and trustworthy friends.
“Tara na kumain na tayo, nagugutom na ako.” yaya ni Haze saka hinila na ako sa braso.
Tinapik ko na lang si Marcus sa balikat dahil bago pa man ako makapagpaalam ng maayos ay nasa hagdanan na pala kami.
Ako na ang um-order para sa aming dalawa. Ako na rin ang naghanap ng bakanteng table. Sumunod na lamang siya sa akin.
Habang kumakain kami, siyempre hindi namin maiiwasan ang tumingin sa paligid. At iyon nga, nakita ko ʼyung lalaking nanakit kay Hazey. Nagkatinginan kami actually. Biglang kumulo ʼyung dugo ko at biglang sumama na lang ang tingin ko sa kaniya. I almost break the spoon that Iʼm holding.
Sa hindi inaasahan, nakatingin pala sa akin si Haze at nakita niya ang reaksyon ko. Sinundan niya ng tingin ang taong tinitignan ko. It was too late. As much as I wanted to, I donʼt want her to lose her appetite. But yeah... Sometimes, things wouldnʼt happen the way you want them to.
