INSECURITIES
“IHAHATID KITA ARAW-ARAW.”
Iyon naman ang balak ko talaga. It is a sign of courting so I should do it as well, not just acts of service and telling her sheʼs beautiful.
After telling Frankie everything last night that we talked, I became eager in courting her. Sinabihan ako ni Frankie na kung mayroon mang lalaki na papayagan niyang makatuluyan ng kapatid niya, ako iyon. I was glad to hear it from someone who was close to her.
Kahit na araw-arawin ko pa ang paghatid-sundo sa kaniya, pakiramdam ko lagi akong masaya. How can I ever be bored with a person I hold so dearly? Not even in the slightest of chances that I would be bored.
I was smiling at the moment and when she asked, “Why would you do that?” The corners of my lip curved down.
“Canʼt I?” I asked back.
“Should you?”
That was the exact moment that my heart dropped. It felt like an arrow came straight through my heart but it wasnʼt cupid, it was the subtle rejection coming from her.
“Do you hate me now because I want to make sure you get home safe?” I muttered, almost cracking my voice.
We kept on throwing questions back and forth.
“Do you really have to do it? Hindi ba lagi naman kitang sinasabihan kung nakauwi na ʼko? Isnʼt that enough?”
Bigla akong naubusan ng mga sasabihin ko. Hindi ko maipaliwanag kung anong totoo kong nararamdaman ngayon dahil sa mga sunod-sunod niyang tanong. Not only that I worry about her safety... I like her and every minute, every second, I want to be with her. And when I thought I knew her really well, tonight, that thought had completely gone. She wasnʼt like this. Her temper might easily get hot but that is clearly different from being so cold like this
I couldnʼt escape her storming of query.
“Iʼm sorry.” I mouthed.
Without hearing a response, she turned her back at me. My chest undeniably hurts. Iʼm aware the guilt alone should only be the one lingering in my heart but why does my heart aches untimely?
“Haze, please...” I begged for her consideration.
“Youʼre changing, Cyrus. This is not what we call worrying.”
I bit my lip out of guilt. All this time, I was insecure while thinking Iʼd never stand a chance to her heart. Maybe itʼs time I swallow my insecurities and just get back to the path I always wanted. Every way that leads to her is a path I would always take.
“Haze... I—” Something got ahead of me. I couldnʼt fucking say it to her face.
With the look on her face, I clearly wouldnʼt last a second. Her gaze filled with anger hovers my whole existence.
“First, you didnʼt want to listen to me when I wanted to vent out to you like Iʼve always do. And now, youʼre being over unreasonable? This isnʼt the Cyrus Iʼve known for years.”
Nagising ako sa katotohanang hindi lamang siya galit sa akin ngayon. Naghahalo ang galit at pagkadismaya niya. I refuse to believe that I was changing. Iʼve never changed. I wouldnʼt even try.
“Haze, itʼs not like that. I have reasons.” I said, restricting my voice to raise higher.
“What? Are you becoming insecure?” she scowled.
The way she asked that question, it felt like it was a mockery towards me. With the guilt and anger that intertwines between the both of us, I couldnʼt bare any longer. I hate to admit that I might raise my voice at her when all my life I was gentle when I speak to her. But this is getting out of line. Ayaw kong masigawan ko siya. I would regret it afterwards.
I didnʼt expect that the feelings Iʼve bottled up for all these years would end up unleashed at the worst of times.
“What if I am?” I finally let it out. “I like you, Haze. I was afraid, I was insecure. You would never like me back because if you would, you wouldnʼt be attached to other guys. I clearly am wasnʼt your type. But hey, I still admired you all these years. Was it wrong that I liked you so much that I wanted to always be by your side? Was it wrong that I want to keep you all to myself? Was it wrong that I feel so insecure when you still glance at him? Haze, I was here. Iʼve always been here. Iʼve always been so in love with you.”
“Cyrus, I canʼt.” she says. “I still have wounds that only time can heal.”
With how her fuming gaze softens into pleading eyes, I knew already that it would be the end of me. It was the time I realize that I couldnʼt stay mad at her for this damn long.
“Iʼve been waiting for you all along.” I confidently said. “Sa tingin mo ba hindi kita kayang hintayin hanggang sa maging ayos ka na ulit? Ganoʼn ba kababa ang tingin mo sa ʼkin?”
“I donʼt want you to wait for nothing.”
“How could you tell that all of these would end to nothing?” I grabbed both of her hands. “Haze,” I looked intently to her eyes. “I want you to let me wait. It is what I need to do. Also, I want you to let me help you move on. I want to mend your broken heart.”
“This isnʼt just all about getting my heart broken.” she cried. “Cyrus, my soul... Itʼs dying from this agony.”
Alam ko iyon matagal na at isa iyon sa mga rason kung bakit ko gusto manatili sa tabi niya. It may look like I love her because I like the idea that I could help her. Iʼve seen her happy, Iʼve seen her laugh, Iʼve seen her angry, Iʼve seen all of her sides. I have even seen that face sheʼs been trying hard to hide.
“Then let me help you heal your soul.”
“You canʼt.” She pushes me with all her might but I was sturdy enough to keep my balance. “I donʼt like you, Cyrus. Iʼm sorry.”
I didnʼt wish for you to like me back because of the fact that you could only see me as your best friend. But it impales my heart from the fact that youʼd rather close your doors for me because you know that it wasnʼt him who was knocking.
