HIS VOICE
“THREE MORE PAGES AND IʼM DONE.”
I was rushing through the pages because I want to make it on time. I want to return this book that Iʼve borrowed in the library the other day. I want to finish writing the important points and words in my notebook and then Iʼll review it all later.
Sa buong pagbabasa ko ng librong ito simula nang mahiram ko ito, sobra akong nahihirapan intindihin. Mas mahirap ngayong intindihin dahil wala namang magtuturo sa akin maliban sa sarili ko. Sariling aral talaga.
Nanatili ako sa school para hindi na aabot ng Lunes ang pagbabalik ko ng libro. Hindi ako makatulog kagabi at hindi ko rin nagawa ang mga dapat kong gawin. I need to take a double time. I donʼt want to blame someone because Iʼve been slowed on progress.
Pagkahatid ni Cyrus sa ʼkin kagabi, nagkaroon kami ng hindi magandang usapan, umalis na siya pagkatapos nʼon. Hindi ko na alam kung dumiretso man siya ng uwi o pinagpatuloy na lamang ang rehearsals nila ni Ashley. It was not necessary to think about that in the first place. Ang mahalaga para sa akin ay maging maayos ang performance nila sa Martes. I donʼt want him to blame me for my attention seeking.
On the other side, what happened after he left? Well, I cried and cried and cried that Iʼve forgotten to eat dinner. Nor did I had lunch while I was at the campus. I slept with an empty stomach.
Ayoko na munang pakaisipin ang mga bagay na iyon. Pursigido akong matapos muna ang lahat ng mga dapat kong matapos at makausap ang mga professors ko para malaman kung anu-ano pa ang mga kulang ko sa pagpapasa. Hindi bale nang wala akong matataas na grades, what matters most is that I do not fail even one subject.
Iʼm onto the last page of reading and jotting down notes.
Kaunti na lang naman ang isusulat ko kumpara noʼng isang gabi. Pagkatapos nito magpapahinga ako. I need to fucking breathe. I need to eat although Iʼve had breakfast. Hindi iyon sasapat sa gutom ko kagabi.
And...
Done.
Tumayo na ako at iniwan muna ang bag sa upuan ko sa room. Wala namang mawawala roʼn. Dumiretso na ako ng library.
...
“GOOD MORNING PO.” I greeted a middle-aged woman that sits in the front desk.
“Good morning, hija, what can I help you with?” tanong niya sa akin.
“Iʼm here to return a book.” sambit ko saka pinakita sa kaniya ang libro. Pinirmahan niya ang library card ko saka ipinatong ang libro sa kaniyang desk.
Nabasa ko ang pangalan niya sa kaniyang ID. She was Miss Lara.
Akala ko ay si Marcus ang aabutan ko. If not him, I would expect a student librarian. As far as I can remember. Nabanggit ni Frankie na wala siyang duty kapag Saturday, ʼyung librarian lang daw ang nagbabantay doon.
Marcus might be rehearsing with Frankie at the moment or studying like me.
Wherever they might be, thatʼs not what I should be thinking.
...
IʼVE HEADED BACK TO MY CLASSROOM. Maaga na naman nag-dismissed ang professor kaya maaga na naman ako makakauwi. By lunch, Iʼm already at home. But before that, I need to submit this one folder containing documents for my project which couldʼve been by group but since I often come to school due to mental health issues, I didnʼt had the chance to collaborate with others. I am the only one who got to submit as individual.
Pinuntahan ko ang professor ko sa faculty.
Pinasa ko lamang ang aking assignments. Although may mga natitira pa na hindi ko pa nagagawa. Hays. I need to pull an all-nighter again. I barely have a decent amount of sleep.
After going to the faculty and talking to my professor, I went to the cafeteria to buy lunch in advance. Sobrang nagugutom na talaga ako. Doon na rin ako kumain.
...
ARRIVING HOME WAS THE BEST. Not only do I wanted to rest and sleep, my body wants it. My body already reached its limit now kaya kahit anong ipilit ko sa katawan ko, hindi na ito gagana.
Papikit na ang mata ko ngunit bigla na naman itong napadilat nang marinig ang cellphone ko na tumunog. That tone was from messages, Iʼm sure of it.
I know that I could receive messages pero nakakapagtaka dahil this whole month, naka-on ang do not disturb mode sa phone ko. If thereʼs one person that can freely dominate my notifications, itʼs none other than...
“Cyrus...” basa ko sa pangalang naka-flash sa screen. It wasnʼt a call but a message.
I clicked it. Hindi ko namalayang tinitignan ko na ngayon ulit ang conversation namin. I ignored his messages after the night that I sprained my ankle. Hindi ko matanggap sa sarili ko noon na dahil sa akin hindi kami natuloy.
Nakokonsensya rin ako dahil niyaya ko pa siya noong gabi na iyon. I couldʼve just told him that on other days. Pagod din kasi siya nung araw na ʼyon. Imbis na nagpapahinga na siya pag-uwi niya, pinuntahan niya pa ako at inalagaan pa dahil sa hindi namin inaasahang mangyari.
The recent message that Iʼve received from him was a voice message. I played it even though thereʼs a high chance that I wonʼt be able to understand it very clear because Iʼm so close to dozing off.
“Hello, my Hazey.”
The way he called me by the name that only him could call me... The soothing effect that it gives to my ears. The tranquil it drops to my body. His voice... Itʼs always been my favorite lullaby.
“I know youʼre probably busy or sleeping or eating now and you might not even listen to this anyway.” His soft chuckles were still audible. “You might just want to ignore this but who knows, you might be listening to this right now.”
“Youʼre really good at predictions, huh?” natawa na lang din ako.
Tinuloy ko ang pakikinig.
“I just wanted to say that Iʼm sorry for what happened last night. I just...” he let out a deep sigh. “Iʼm overthinking about you, I just donʼt wanna lose you. I like you so much. Iʼm so inlove with you that—Damn this is so cheesy.”
Dahil sa sinabi niyang iyon, hindi ko namalayang nakangiti na pala ako pero kanina pa pala ako umiiyak.
“You know, I was desperate to know whatʼs wrong so I could fix it for you. Ayokong mawala ka. But I respect that youʼre still finding the perfect time to tell me. Donʼt worry your cute head. You know, Iʼll never get tired of waiting for you. Just take your time.”
I bursted out crying.
I hugged my phone while wishing that it was him that Iʼm hugging right now.
And just when I realize that the voice message was over, I fell into daze.
