Bi Panic

Breakdown

Waking up for school today was the worst feeling in the world. All I wanted to do was stay in bed and close myself off from the rest of the world. The last place I wanted to be was school, with all those people, Aiden being one of them. It felt like if I even saw his face I would crumble into nothing. My only solace was that it was finally Friday. This week has been so long and exhausting and I just  needed a break.

I peeled myself out of bed way too late but I didn't care about being late, I didn't care about anything, especially not being punctual.

I put on some comfortable sweat pants and a hoodie as I slowly packed my bag and made my way out of the house, closing the door behind me. As soon as I turned to walk away I crashed straight into someone, Briar.

"Are you alright? You left school early yesterday and you haven't been answering your phone." She said worried. Everyone is always worried about me. I cause everyone so much stress.

"Yeah I'm fine, I'm sorry for not responding." I said not daring to meet her eyes. If I did she would see how tired and sad I looked.

"Vi you're not fine, you look terrible."

"Gee thanks."

"You know what I mean. Have you eaten anything? Showered? Slept?" She looked down at me trying to find my eyes but I just turned away.

"I said I'm fine."

I started to walk away or I guess towards her house so we could go to school when I felt her hand gently grab my wrist to stop me. I flinched back and ripped my hand away from her finally looking up at her terrified. I felt tears prickle my eyes as I thought about Aiden doing the same thing.

"Violet..." Briar looked scared and hurt by my reaction but now, she looked extremely worried about me.

"I- I'm sorry." Was all I could say before tears started spilling out of me again. Briar tried to hug me but I backed away. I didn't want to be touched or even looked at. I felt so bad for how I was acting towards her but I couldn't control it.

"What happened? Did Aiden-

I winced at hearing his name.

"Did he do something to you?"

"No." I stared at the ground wiping the tears from my face. "I didn't sleep well last night." I said trying to come up with some excuse for my behavior.

"Violet look at me." Briar said, her voice just barely above a whisper.

I wanted to pretend I couldn't hear her but we both knew that wasn't true. I continued to stare at the ground, still trying to hold back my tears.

"Please." She begged.

I slowly look up at her finally seeing her facial expression. It was just as I thought, she looked worried but also a little scared for me.

We stared at each other in silence for a moment before she spoke.

"What did he do to you?" She said more to herself than as a question for me, sadness and anger was evident in her face.

I stopped looking at her as I thought about what happened, replaying the moment in my head over and over again. His hands, his breath, everything; it was all just looping over and over again. I felt sick.

I pushed past Briar and went back inside my house forgetting to close the door as I went straight to the bathroom and threw up. I felt someone hold my hair up as I puked what little was left in my stomach. When it finally stopped I flushed the toilet and sank down to the floor an absolute mess. I guess Sapphire heard the commotion because next thing I knew Briar's face was replaced with my sister's as I cried.

She asked if she could touch me which I shook my head no to. I stayed in the corner of the bathroom unable to move as the room started spinning. I couldn't lie or pretend like everything was fine anymore. Nothing was ok in my life and I just fell apart.

All my thoughts were screaming at me to pull it together. That I was hurting everyone around me because that's all I ever do. If I were normal like everyone else I would've been able to tell Aiden no when he first invited me to his party. I would've seen how gross he is and turned the other way. Why am I so unaware of everything until it's too late?

You know at first this whole thing didn't really bother me that much. It was annoying, sure, but that's about it. Now because of me it's festered into something awful and out of my control. I was scared to go to school and now I'm scared of my friends and my family. Why can't I just be normal?

"Violet..." I could barely hear my sister's voice over my own thoughts. I don't know when but my hands had balled into fists and I beat myself for everything that I've caused. I wanted the feelings to go away.

"WHY AM I LIKE THIS?? WHY CAN'T I JUST BE LIKE EVERYONE ELSE?" I screamed at the top of my lungs. Sapphire quickly grabbed my hands and held them so I couldn't hurt myself.

"Why do I have to take medication to focus? To not be sad all the time. Other people are able to get out of bed at a decent time and start their days, why can't I do that?" My tears had stopped pouring out and were now steady hot streams.

"Why am I always behind in everything that I do? I wish I could talk to people without overwhelming them with my emotions and my excitement. I want to hangout with friends like the people I see in the hallways at school do. They all look so happy, like they've got it all figured out and I'm just a burden to everyone around me."

Sapphire opened her mouth to speak but I cut her off.

"Don't lie to me. All I ever do is make you guys worry about me. I put so much stress onto you all and I want to stop but when I don't talk about what's happening and I keep it to myself you all worry even more because you don't know what's wrong with me. You and mom and Briar and Mateo would be so much better- so much happier if I weren't here." I stopped crying and stared at the floor as my body just went numb.

"Why... why would you say that?"

I looked up at Sapphire, my eyes blurry from my tears.

"Our lives would be awful if you weren't in it. I can't even imagine what I'd do if you weren't here anymore. I love you much, you're my little sister, It's my responsibility to take care of you. You're not a burden to me or to anyone." She paused before continuing.

"You make me so happy and so proud. I see how hard you try everyday to do the things you need to while also juggling your social life and your mental health. I know it's hard and I know you're tired but that's what I'm here for. That's what we're all here for. You're allowed to lean on your family and friends for support when you need it. You deserve that."

My tears were back as her words started to sink into me. She was finally breaking through the noise in my head.

"I know it might seem like everyone has it all figured out and that their lives are perfect but that couldn't be farther from the truth. I remember when I was in high school I thought the same thing. But then one of my friends told me that "I always knew what to say and what to do in every situation." To her, I had it all figured out when inside I was just as scared and confused as everyone around me. You're not alone Violet, I am right here with you and I'm not going anywhere."

Her words made my heart hurt even more but in a different way than before. The pain was indescribable. Having this warped view of reality, believing that you're on your own; that the world and the people in it don't care about you and that you should be able to solve your own problems. That they'd all be better off without you. Hearing the contrary made me feel... loved.

Truly and unconditionally loved.