Love and Fury

Chapter 12

                                                                                      One Year Later

     I would like to sit here and tell you that the only time he laid his hands on me was that night, but I can't. I suppose after I sat there and let him hit me, he saw that seemed to be the acceptable solution to shutting me up. After the first time, though, I did try to hit him back. It never works out for me.

     He's bigger and stronger than me on both ends. Taller, and weighs more. I can hold my own to a certain extent, but unless I want to harm him with an instrument then I just sit there and take it. I should defend myself, protect myself more. I know this. I just don't know how. He seems to have no heart, but I can't just hurt someone.

     I know that whole thing contradicts itself, but that's just how I feel. I thought my BPD would be enough to let me hurt him enough, but my subconscious stops me every time I go too far. I don't want to turn into a terrible person. I really don't.

     The funny part is, I loved him. For some reason, no matter how much he made no sense, I loved him. He was there for me in the beginning when it mattered, and that's why I fell in love with him. Scratch that, that's why I loved him. There's no way I fell in love with him because that means I would still love him. Right now, I hate him.

     He is in my house. He eats my food. He makes the house a mess and doesn't clean it up. He works just enough to be able to tell everyone that I would not survive without him. He lies, and lies. I would survive just fine without him, but he won't leave my house. No matter what I do, he doesn't want to leave.

     It's like he found joy in hurting me. He actually enjoys when I cry whenever he beats me, because he beats me more. He tells me if I keep crying, he's really going to make me cry. I really don't know why I don't overpower him. Why don't I try to call the cops or anyone to make him leave? I really think I'm just scared.

     I'm scared because I think he is clinically insane. He laughs and makes jokes about things that most normal people would cry over. He thinks the most horrible things are the best and most funny things and it scares me that he would actually do what he says he's going to do to me.

     Most days I'm scared to even have a conversation with him. What if I say the wrong thing and upset him? I have to make sure I don't even mention another guy's name or he'll be beating me without even asking if anything happened. It was years of this. Years of letting him do whatever he wanted to me in my own home.

     I can't take it anymore and I want out. I want someone, anyone to help me throw this asshole out of my house and make sure that he never comes back. That's the only thing that I'm scared of. What if I call the cops and he's dumb enough to do something? I don't want to make things worse. I just want him gone.

     I am so ashamed of myself every time I have to cover up bruises or markings before I go to work. I always told myself I would never let a man lay his hands on me or do whatever he wanted with me. Yet, here I am.

     That's when something in me switched. I am going to make it my mission to get this woman beater out of my house. There is no point in staying with him with no promise of kids or change for the future. I would rather take my chances and get him out of this house than to stay here and see how long he will let me live.

     There are no signs of murder obviously, but one small move and something could hurt me enough. Even if he would accidentally hit me in the head hard enough to produce some kind of brain injury. I don't want to find out. I deserve better than this. I just want to love myself.

     He is out with a friend right now, so I decided to do it now. No better time than the present. Am I right? I jumped into action and started bagging all his clothes up. I want to burn them. I want to just throw them right outside in the mud, but if I'm going to get the police involved though, I probably shouldn't do those things.