Bear

Chapter 23: Bear

She watches me with such intensity, that I feel the fire in my own eyes go out. Well, it could also be the thought of dredging up the past— especially when I’d much rather leave it where it is, the past.

My stomach curdles, my veins thrum uncomfortably. Cloying, suffocating— the same tell tale feeling that I’m treading in dangerous territory. I’d rather not start hyperventilating in front of the woman that I—

No, better not to go there.

Strangely the idea of telling her doesn’t make me feel ill like it usually does when people try to pry. I don’t get the sickly feeling, the twitchiness that makes me want to punch a hole in the nearest surface.

With her there is some silent caress in the back of my mind, like a whisper in the back of my mind that I can tell her; she is safe.

“My dad left when I was a kid, and my mum was an immigrant so when he left she had nothing, nobody.” My voice comes out harsher than I mean it to, the same way it always does whenever I think about the shitstain that I call a father. I’ve always hated him, for what he did to her.

A heavy sigh parts my lips as I force myself to calm down, because as much as I hate him, I hate myself more. He may have abandoned her, but I was the one that killed her.

I shake my head, turning away from Birdie, too ashamed to let her see my face as I tell her the truth. “She tried her best to look after me but I was an unruly child, and as I grew older I only got worse. Getting into fights, underage drinking, problems with authority. I never listened to her, pushed her away and one day she gave up trying.”

Birdie sits beside me still as a statue, that hard unrelenting stare of hers quietens to a soft, gentle listening. Even as my tongue grows heavy, and my throat feels as though it's ready to close, that caress once again curls around me. She is safe.

“Not too long after that she gave up her life.” My voice is as empty as my heart, the swarm of grief freezes my bones. I feel as though I’m 16 again, walking down that dim corridor in the moments before my life changed forever. “I found her, hanging there. She left a note, apologising because she couldn’t do it anymore. She apologised.”

Warm fingers brush against my jean clad knee, the warmth of Birdie’s touch warming thawing the ice burning in my veins.

This is a wound that I don't think will ever fully heal, and yet being with Birdie like this makes breathing feel just a fraction easier.

The heaviness on my heart ebbs; I know that I made the right choice in opening up my heart to her.

"How did you end up with the club?" Her question pierces through the introspective shroud that seems to have fallen over me.

It grounds me, brings me back to calmer waters after having shared the part of me that I always keep buried.

“I was living on the streets until one of the members found me and took me into the club.”

It had been one of the few moments in my life where things felt as though my future could be better.

When I stop to consider where I probably would've ended up without the club; I will always be beyond grateful that Rooster's old man took me in.

I have no idea what the fuck he saw in that scrawny kid he found rummaging around in a dumpster, but I'm glad. The club was the best thing that happened to me. Even if being a part of it meant I had to become the monster that I was always afraid I'd always been.

And then I met Robin.

But it doesn't change who I am, it doesn't change what I am. And now it's out in the open.