You Smell Like Hope

12. if I died last night

If I took too much, and I suffocate
It would tear me apart,
It would haunt me forever
So much you'd never get to know

 Lavender.

the stress-free fragrance.

Jisung's pov.

A night or two or 7 passed with me in bed, no one called my phone to inform me about a job, or maybe my phone just died. I don't know, I don't remember when the last time I left the bed was.

What I know for sure is that my stomach is not empty so it hasn't been long since Minho got me food and talked to me.

Minho.

Have I really misunderstood him? Did I judge him by my own observation without giving him time to explain himself? I did. And it's killing me. It's hard to face yourself with your own evil acts when you hate it so much when someone does them for you.

I judged him and hated that he judged me.

This and so many more thoughts haven't left my mind for the last few days that I spent in bed.

More nightmares, more memory trips in my brain, more questions. But less answers. No matter how long the question wanders in my brain, it always comes back unanswered. My thoughts were only cut off by a ring from my phone proving my theory that it died wrong.

I searched the bed for my phone removing the covers to look under them only to hear it fall on the floor. I picked it up without really getting up from bed just lowering my whole upper body to reach it.

I didn't check the caller's name, scared the call would end as it has been ringing for a while now. "Hello." I spoke into the phone, but it came broken from staying silent for so long, I cleared my throat and tried again.

"Hey Jisung, it's Chan." Oh. Ohh. "How are you doing today? Feeling better?" He sounded.... Nice? Almost like he's checking the atmosphere not me. "I'm doing much better yeah." I said not really sure where this conversation is going.

"Great, Minho wanted me to pick you up and take you to visit the company since you know, you're working there now." Company? I could feel the anxiety rising as I struggled to choose my next words, I've never visited a company, let alone worked in one. "Jisung?" His voice brought me back to earth.

"Yeah, yes of course- I mean yes, I can come visit the company." I laughed awkwardly cursing myself in my brain. "That's great, I'll be there in 10." He informed me, making my heart jump once again. ''sure, I'll wait downstairs.'' the call ended, and I jumped from bed making myself dizzy. 

I ran to the bathroom praying water will be waiting for me in there, not much luck, but a little bit of it. I washed my face with the little bit of water that came out. I wore the clothes I woke up in on Minho's bed. I snatched me phone from where I threw it on the bed earlier and ran downstairs, jumping above the broken steps to avoid falling and dirtying my already half dirty clothes. 

I made just as Chan's car came into view, but the moment my eyes caught it, so did my anxiety.

suddenly everything is cold, and I am too aware of my skin, but not of my surroundings. I tried to steady my breath before the car moving in slow motion arrive. of course, it didn't work. and of course, Chan is right in front of me, and I can't even bring myself to look in the car's direction.