You Smell Like Hope

16. Prayer X

今日も空を眺めるのでしょう
この人生に意味があるのなら
教えてよ 脆く 儚い日々の中で
痛みや悲しみさえも
飲み干した今 僕らは
一体全体何を信じればいい?
溢れ出した涙のように

Jisung's pov

This time when I woke up it didn't take me long to realize I am on Minho's bed. the comfortable bed and the smell of lavender, his arms wrapped around me.... it all felt familiar. ''Are you awake?'' Minho whispered gently. I hummed in response and turned around so I can face him. ''I am sorry about ruining the night.'' I whispered just as he did.

''you don't have to apologize for anything Jisung, I am the one who should be sorry. if I have known what type of person that man is I would have never invited him to any of the events, I even cancelled all the deals we had with him.'' he explained. ''but how did you know?'' I asked hoping I am allowed to and didn't cross the line. ''he started talking about you, I was confused at first that he knows you, but he didn't say something bad, so I just let him...'' he stopped there and looked me in the eye with his full of tears. the sun had started lighting the dark sky and I was able to see him clearly. his eyes looked so different. it looked almost as broken as I felt. too similar that I think he's that broken for me.

''then he started talking about younger you, how hot your smaller body was-'' he didn't finish his sentence. being stopped by his own tears falling. but he didn't need to finish it. I felt his arms tighten around me, his face close to my ears as he whispered ''I am sorry.'' over and over again. ''it's not your fault.'' was all I could respond with until he pulled away. not too far just enough to look me in the eye.

''No, Jisung I am sorry because I treated you like that, I am sorry I judged you when I knew nothing. I am sorry you had to go through this, I am sorry that I don't even know what else you had to witness through your life, I am sorry Jisung and the whole world should be sorry as well.''

"It's okay, it's okay now. I will be okay." I don't know if I was telling him or myself that. "You will, You will I promise." he repeated multiple time, and I feel like he repeats what he can say instead of saying what he can't.

but it's okay. he doesn't have to say what I already know.

and I know.
I know that I was a kid.
I know that I was raped when I was a kid.

I know it all too well despite my many useless tries to forget.

I know and now he does too.
And he's crying the tears I failed to shed.

And "It's okay" was all I could say when I know it's not. It's not okay to hurt this much but I don't think I remember what it feels to be okay. I don't remember what a day with no pain can consists off. Or at least I hadn't known. Because for a while now he has been showing me glimpse of what could have been. And what it's about to be so maybe it will be okay. Or maybe I just had enough pain that it's hard to identify a new one. It's too many emotions I'm hiding from my own hearts and my brain is not holding on anymore.

I felt it.
I felt everything as it happened.
From the cut of the rope my brain held into.
To the break in my heart as everything shattered.

It's too much. I can't suppress it anymore.

And it feels too warm. Too safe to hide.

So, I laid weak in his strong arms as I cried. I cried like I've never done before. As if the few tears I shed every once in a while, were nothing but a drop of water on ice.

I cried so much that I had nothing left but it still hurt so I spoke. I told him everything, more than my own heart knows.

I told him about the day I woke up on their floor instead of my bed when I was 10.

I told him about the cold December in the same shorts and shirt from the summer.

I told him about the day I turned 14 and no one knew but they still gave me the worst gift.

I told him how that night I laid awake on the cold floor of the office after he was satisfied.

I told him how a week later I was in the same position again but with four instead of one.

"They looked me in the eye and told me don't grow up, they asked me to stay 13 forever on my 14th birthday."

"They hated that I was hurt every time they intentionally harmed me. They got mad and I missed the sun."

"They let me shower. I was so happy when they first told me. Then one of them followed me there."

I kept telling him about random days through my years until I turned 18.

Then I told him about how I haven't seen the sun despite being allowed outside.

"They said they got bored, but they don't mind sharing me. So, they sent me somewhere else to work. They took my short and shirt away and gave me nothing in return."

I didn't tell him about what happened inside the strip club. My own brain doesn't want to admit it, but instead, I told him about the year I turned 21 and they had a bigger part time job for me aside from the club. "They said these people will love me. They didn't say they will still hurt me just like they did. My body was purple and blue, and I lost count of how many people had me. I never got numb to the pain."

I told him about the times people paid more to get more, but I didn't tell them they could have already got it without paying because no one would have cared. No one could take me away. "At some point by body had enough and people started complaining so they hit me and sent me back to the club with a bottle of foundation to hide my body with instead of clothes.''

"That's why they let you have me you know. You paid a lot when I was lacking so they were more than happy to get rid of me." He stayed silent as I told him everything. It took hours but he didn't move.

Then he finally did. His arms reached for my wit cheeks softly to wipe my tears away. "When was the last time they hit you?" He asked softly. "Three days ago, one of their men who still waits for me in front of my building." I took his hands in mine and guided it to my rips where I have been hit. The small touch made me hiss but it didn't hurt that much.

"Let me show you the better life Jisung, please let me be that for you. I will do anything I'll even search for your family but let me always be with you I can't have you harmed again." I don't get why he cares that much, but it felt nice I loved it. So, I nodded.

"Okay"
"Okay?"
"Yeah."

That was all it took for Minho to take his phone and make a call. "Prepare apartment 14 in building 3. Everything needed." He let me shower alone and gave me clothes before he told me he'll go bring breakfast to his room.

When he came back with two full plates a cat came right behind him. "Soonie wanted to say hi." He smiled sweetly. "Can I hold him?" I asked excitingly. "Of course, I warn you though he doesn't like cuddling." It's unfortunate to say Minho was dumbfounded when the cat climbed on my lap and cuddled warmly to my chest. "Well, I think he loves you more than me." He laughed and handed me one of the plates.

After an hour of eating and playing with Soonie, Minho guided me to his car and drove me to a nearby street. It has many buildings that look the same as the building I told Chan to drop me at.

He parked in front of one of the buildings and handed me the keys that had the numbers 14/3 on them. "The apartment is ready; would you like me to come up with you?"

"Can you?" I asked. "Of course." We both left the car and I climbed the first floor. I noticed the number on one of the doors and walked towards it opening it using the keys he gave me.

The apartment was huge. Well maybe it wasn't but compared to my old one it truly was. It had a kitchen and a big bathroom with a bathtub. The living room looked so comfy but not more than the bedroom with a bed similar to Minho's. "This is so pretty. Everything is perfect like a dream." I was amazed and it was visible even on the way I spoke. "I'm glad you liked it. Go sleep and rest now. I will tell Jeongin to pick you up from here from now on. I'll see you tomorrow alright?" He spoke gently. "Okay and thank you so much hyung. You have no idea how much this means to me. Everything you've done."

"You're welcome Jisung. You deserve so much more."

"See you tomorrow Hyung." With that he waved and walked out, and I was left alone to sleep comfortably. And that's exactly what I did.