Second Chances

Part 22

Since they left the bath, Hira was also having problems. Several. Ever since he was a child, he had learned that being overstimulated wasn't a good thing. 

He had therefore learned to channel his energy into 'brain games', as he got older, he called them. It was one of the reasons he excelled at school. It was a fixation, you could say, like repeating the times table to calm yourself, except that for him, it was homework and his camera, until he met Kiyoi.

Then, after Kiyoi, he studied everything about him. 

Everything. So he didn't understand why Kiyoi had lied to him. Hira had been lied to his whole life. He had the ability to identify between small ones, and big ones. Although these were small, he did not know why Kiyoi had lied. Until he understood, his mind would work on overtime. 

It confused him. He needed time to figure things out. It also confused him, how his body still wanted Kiyoi after everything they had done. It confused him even more, to find himself growing hard, while he held him safely in his arms. He couldn't even look at him on the bed. 

So hearing the question, "Did I do something wrong?" right now, Hira had no answer, only more questions, so he could clear up his own confusions. "Kiyoi..." Hira, slowly asked, still not facing him, "I should be asking that: Did I do something wrong?" 

He couldn't believe how fast his heart was beating, or how scared he was to hear the response. He knew Kiyoi was in pain. How badly had he hurt him, because that was the only thing that made sense. Yet... he used his toothbrush. Still, it was only he had said that he loved him! 

Kiyoi never said it back! His head dipped in shame as the thought finally crossed through his slow moving brain. I took advantage! I... 

Whack! Whack! "You creep! You fucking stalker! What the fuck are you talking about? Turn around and look at me, Hira." Hira almost doubled over as Kiyoi hit him hard between his shoulder blades, twice.

"What the fuck are you talking about? What do you mean by that?" Kiyoi's face was scrunched up, looking very upset as Hira turned slowly to face him. 

"I hurt you, when we... you know." Hira backed away, putting distance between them. "That's why you lied, isn't it? I did something wrong, so you didn't say it back."

~~~~~~~~~~

Kiyoi fell back, each of Hira's small, soft words a blow to his heart. All of his fault. Once more, Hira didn't understand him or his actions! 

Aoshima had told him once, long ago, that he had a communication problem. Now he could see it clearly. Hira was too literal. It was up to HIM to speak in a manner that Hira would understand, that he couldn't USE his body as language, for Hira would never see that as words. 

"Hira, oh Hira, I'm so damn sorry." Kiyoi dropped to his knees. "I lied because I'm embarrassed, not because of anything YOU did. I love you and I showed you, with my body, by giving myself to you." His face was flaming red, from his ears down to his nipples. He felt like he was glowing. 

Still, he pushed onward, knowing Hira was listening. "I love you, Stalker. I lied because I needed time to organized how this was going to change us, the new us, being lovers."

Slowly, he reached out and took Hira's hand, tugging him closer, needing to see those black eyes. It was the way Hira looked at him, he realized that gave his heart ease. If that look was back, he knew they were okay. "Hira, I'm..."

"I'm sorry, Kiyoi. I hurt you, when we..." Hira looked at him. "I said I wouldn't and I did. I wanted you and I took what I needed. That's the real truth."

"Fuck, no! You listen to me, Hira! I wanted you too, you fucking idiot!" Kiyoi held the sides of his cheeks, pulling his face close to his, needing him to do that 'Hira' thing, and see inside him. "Would you fucking hear what I'm saying and get out of your head for once?"