World meets Maya

{11} Does he use coconut shampoo?

it is 1:45am, it's freezing cold in my room since the pipes in the building are old and barely working. I was struggling to feel tired, the loud sounds of city were more relaxing than disturbing yet sleep just wouldn't find me. I'm thinking about the day that had just passed, about the revelation of Zay and Smackle, the weird look in Farkle's eyes when he looked at Riley, maybe they're fighting or something, and how no one saw Lucas for the whole day.

I thought about the last one a lot.

Farkle had walked me home from his place earlier when I went for help to finish my overdue assignment of the year, it was dark and he didn't feel comfortable letting me walk home alone even though I assured him I've done it many times. We spent the walk talking about the future, the pavements were emptier than they usually are and as we reached my neighbourhood the lights started flickering more, I almost told Farkle to go home before remembering he's already seen where I lived. I wouldn't want him to leave anyway, catching up was nice,  the conversation had then went on with the question of Zay and Smackle ending up together and then it eventually ended with when will Lucas and Riley split up?

Essentially, talking about that last question should make us feel guilty for even considering that possibility but when talking about it with Farkle, it seemed like we both thought it to be the best outcome even though we know it would never happen. For me, it's because I know my feelings for Lucas had never really faded but for Farkle? I'm not really sure, I mean who knows maybe he likes Lucas too.

I say that as a joke but I wouldn't be surprised, it's hard not to like Lucas.

When we finally reached my building, Farkle had given me a hug and asked me to call him if I ever need him. He made the concerned tone in his voice wayyyyy too obvious. I decided to stop sending him on runs now.

By runs, I mean delivering alcohol to stupid highschool parties, he doesn't know that's not the only illegal substance I deliver. I don't know how I got in that business, all I know is that Rick the dealer pays me a lot of cash and that the green helped me sleep a lot better. I've stopped taking it but the rush of doing something so sneaky like doing runs for him prevents me from chasing that feeling through more harmful ways.

I know it's dark, which is why I haven't told anyone. No one apart from Zay who helped me stop taking the green. It was a difficult time of withdrawal which is why I've been acting weird for the past semesters at school. I'm still surprised I didn't push everyone away. Without it, I felt like I wasn't fun enough and all my insecurities were pouring out. I felt like I was going to be gloomy and lonely forever and that the world was against me. Zay helped me realise that the world can't be against me cause if it is then it must not have met me. I laughed at the time because his statement didn't make any sense but strangely it's nice having the perspective that I don't need to get used to the world, the world can get used to me. I repeat that in my head cause if I said it out loud i'd probably cringe to death.

Now that Farkle is on to me, I think I might stop delivering it too. I don't want to think about what my mind will make me do once that adrenaline rush is taken away, I don't know how to stop my mind completely from plummeting to the darkest feelings I hold.

Mom still works a lot at the diner and Shawn is still consistently travelling. Sometimes she'll take a break from work to go wherever he is and i'd be stuck going to school. I would call him dad but he isn't really around enough for me to actually start using that name. I can't blame him for it, it's not his fault,I mean it's his job and he helps with the bills but having my second dad not with me for a long time again? Well you'd think daddy issues can't happen twice.

It can.

What hurts more is that Riley doesn't notice anything wrong. I could probably tell her but opening up feels more and more like a burden. There's always something wrong with me, I mean seriously can't I take a break from being angsty all the time.

My thoughts are interrupted by a notification on my phone. When I check who it is my heart soars.

Huckleberry: Hey New York, how was your day?

I smile out of habit, the coldness in the room seems to be replaced by a warm feeling in my heart. Suddenly the dark as night thoughts can't reach me anymore, not when sunlight is texting me on my phone.

Me: Wow you're alive! where y'a been ranger rick?

Huckleberry: Home. Not feeling too well

For some reason I feel like he's lying, i've used that excuse too many times plus he never misses a day of school even when it's the second last one.

Me: I see you've joined the wild side, idk how ur gonna live with only 99% attendance sundance

Huckleberry: Ha. Ha.
Huckleberry: I'm sure ur 1% attendance will complete mine, isn't that our whole friendship?

I pause. I don't know what he means by that, does he mean I complete him? or wait am i reading into it too much? He did say friendship. What kind of sickness does he have? Is he lying cause things are bad at home? Does he use coconut shampoo-

Huckleberry: Can I come over after the group hangout tomorrow? I got something I want to give you but it's a bit big :)

My thoughts are interrupted, cause clearly I took too long to reply to his last message and it's taking all in me not to reply "that's what he said" back to his text.

Me: Sureeeee but you should know i'm expecting you to give me the Eiffel tower and nothing less

Huckleberry: only the highest of standards for you shortstack cause that's what u deserve

I blush involuntarily

Me: How's ur gf

Huckleberry: u mean ur bff? she's asleep

and it suddenly feels all wrong. Like i'm his second choice again.

Me: that's my cue too then Goodnight Sundance

Huckleberry is typing....

I hold my breath waiting for his message until he stops typing for a minute and when he starts up again all he says is this

Huckleberry: Goodnight New York. Sweet dreams :)

and like every other night, I don't fall asleep