It gets easier

Chapter 4 / One on one

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Half the day had passed, and Thorfinn had barely spoken a word to her. Once Leif and his sister had stopped talking, they approached with Gudrid and didn't even explain what the outburst had been about. Thorfinn thought her hair looked fine.

She wouldn't look him in the eyes when they met, staring at the ground instead, and Thorfinn almost forgot to greet her properly. He really just wanted to say "sorry."

Ylva and his mother took over the conversations that followed, welcoming Gudrid and her party.

Thorfinn tried to ignore the harsh look Ylva gave him. His hesitation and stuttering through his greeting were not things she would be happy with. He could expect to get hit over the head later for making a bad first impression.

There was still a lot to prepare for the wedding, and Gudrid and her party would be staying elsewhere until the wedding, after which her party would return home and Gudrid would come to live with Thorfinn and his family in their home.

They spent most of the day talking about that, and Thorfinn mostly listened. He thought the talk about living arrangements had become very awkward now that Gudrid was there as well. It felt like it was crossing some kind of line. Especially when they also got to the part of the conversation where they let him and Gudrid know that they would be sleeping in the annex for the first few months of their marriage. Alone.

When that conversation was finally done, Helga sympathized with Thorfinn and Gudrid, mentioning how Gudrid and Tulla were probably tired from the journey. Tulla was still not done discussing some things, however, but decided that Gudrid and Thorfinn didn't need to be there for it.

"Thorfinn, can you follow Gudrid to the place she will be staying?"

"Is it wise to leave them alone?" Tulla asked, and Gudrid raised her head, blushing and looking like she was going to shout at Tulla. Before she could, Helga simply shook her head.

"They will be fine. It will be good for them to talk a little before they are married."

Tulla seemed a little unsure, and Thorfinn was afraid he had acted in a way that would make her think he would do something improper, but then her eyes quickly shifted to Gudrid, who was standing up beside her. "You behave yourself; do you understand me?"

Gudrid gave her sister-in-law another sharp look and just muttered, "Fine."

Everyone wished Gudrid goodnight, assuming she would go straight to bed. It was already beginning to get dark outside, but so were the winter days in Iceland. He knew that Greenland had short days as well, so he supposed it wouldn't come as a shock to her.

He closed the door securely after them, and Gudrid let out a sigh, almost like she was relieved, but she didn't say anything; she just tugged at her clothes under her coat and waited for Thorfinn to lead her to where she would be staying.

Really, Gudrid couldn't wait to get the stupid dress and the stupid wig off. She sincerely hated how she wasn't even allowed to show the man she was supposed to marry who she really was.

"Are you alright?"

Gudrid looked back at him. His hand had barely left the door handle, and he looked at her apologetically.

He wondered what she had imagined he was like in the time leading up to this day, because she seemed a little taken aback that he would ask her.

She looked at the door, and he supposes she wouldn't want to talk when everyone else inside could potentially still hear them, so he started walking, and she followed.

"I'm alright" Gudrid answered eventually, and they came to a stop in the snow. "I mean, I'm sorry to say it, but I'm not stoked, but..." she took a deep breath. "This just isn't how I pictured my future."

Gudrid looked away, towards the ocean. Thorfinn thought that perhaps the life she had pictures of was beyond that ocean.

"How did you picture it, then?" He asked genuinely.

"Uh..." She hesitated, looking from the ocean and back to him. She opened her mouth to answer honestly, but a breeze blew past them, pulling at the blonde locks that weren't hers, and she swallowed the words she had wanted to say. "That doesn't matter now," she said, shaking her head, "but what about you? Was getting married to someone you barely know always your dream?" She asked, venom leaking into her voice, but Thorfinn knew it wasn't him that she was angry with.

"No," he answered, but continued, because it was really more complicated than that: "I'm not sure I've ever known what I really wanted or what I dreamed of in life."

He thought he did it once. The only thing he had ever truly wanted in life was revenge, but once that had been ripped away from him, he was left without a purpose or a goal to move towards. He had yet to find something else.

He should probably tell her all about that, about what a terrible person he had been, but something kept him from doing that. Selfish thoughts of how much easier their relationship would be if she didn't have to fear him—because she didn't fear him now, he could tell. She was unhappy, but not afraid.

"That's sad," Gudrid said after a moment of hesitation—her words bringing Thorfinn back—her eyes a little wide at his admission. She couldn't imagine not having a dream, and she thought that men especially should easily have one, whether it was having sons or gaining honor through battles and going to Valhalla, as most still believed in. However, Gudrid quickly realized that that was a bit rude to say and shook her head at her own stupidity. "Sorry, what I meant is..." She couldn't find the words, but it was okay because Thorfinn actually agreed with her.

He had been asked by Askekadd what his plans for the future were. What would he do when he was gone? Even after the years that had passed since that day, he didn't have an answer, and he still didn't understand what Askeladd had wanted.

He shook his head slightly, trying to purge his mind of the memories.

"No, you're right, it is sad, isn't it?" He nodded, and they slowly came to a stop in the snow before reaching the place they were going. "But... it's okay; I've been happy to be able to help my family out, and I guess I'll just continue to do so."

"I understand," Gudrid nodded. That was why she had gotten married to her first husband too, Thorvald. It was to help her family, because Thorvald's family had been a good one to marry into in the sense that they could support Gudrid's parents and her younger siblings. She had been lucky with her in-laws, Tulla and Leif, even if they were strict, and if she had to see the positive side of this second marriage, then she supposed that it was that Thorfinn's family seemed very kind. "Your family seems kind. Especially your mother."

He smiled, a little wider than she had seen him smile before, and he nodded, looking back the way they had just come from. "She is. They all are, of course, but yes, especially my mother."

Maybe Gudrid should have asked him more questions and tried to get to know him, but she already had a hard time focusing on the conversation, so she was relieved when she began to walk and made it to the small cabin her and Tulla would be staying at.

"If you need anything, please just ask," he urged her as she was about to step inside, and Gudrid just nodded, not even telling him goodnight before she closed the door.

After the door closed, Gudrid placed her back against it and slid down, sighing loudly and throwing her wig aside. She brought her knees to her chest, trying to be as small as possible.

"He was nice..." Gudrid admitted it to herself. At least he was nice in the short time she had talked with him. She really couldn't imagine a guy like that yelling or being abusive, but that didn't mean that she wanted to marry him.

She didn't want to marry anyone. She knew that when she got married, her freedom would basically be taken from her. In that sense, she had been lucky with her first marriage, as they hadn't even consummated it, and Thorvald hadn't cared enough to spend time with her, but she was older now and closer to the age of Thorfinn, her soon-to-be husband. Her duties would be around the home, to carry children, to just be a mother and a wife, and nothing more.

There was no chance that she would ever get to see the world or sail as she so dearly wanted to.

She put her head against her knees and let out a shuddering breath.


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Gudrid didn't realize that she had fallen asleep like that, sitting against the door, until she was shoved to the floor as the door opened.

"What in the..." Tulla muttered as she looked behind the door after entering, wondering what had stopped the door. "Gudrid, what are you doing on the floor?"

"I was... uhm, I think I just fell asleep... sitting there."

"And where is your wig? You didn't throw it out a window, did you?"

Gudrid groaned and pointed in the general direction that she remembered throwing it. "Do you expect me to sleep with it too? Shouldn't my future husband actually see the real me?"

"Not with that short hair!"

Gudrid's hand went up to her chopped hair. It was right above her shoulders, having been cut a bit shorter than Gudrid originally cut it to make it look a bit better.

Gudrid had been desperate to get out of the marriage, and she had tried to make so many excuses, but Gudrid realized that words wouldn't do anything, so she cut her hair, hoping that it would show Tulla how truly desperate she was and also hoping that it would be so scandalous that they had no other option to call it off. Unfortunately, Tulla just so happened to have a wig lying around.

"But I actually like it..."

"Oh no, you don't!" Tulla pointed a finger at her, her other hand picking up the wig. "You will grow out your hair again, and by that time you will be married and will have adjusted to your life here, believe me."

Gudrid's frown deepened, and she stood up, dusting off her knees. "I'm going to bed..."

Tulla's eyes softened a bit, and she sighed as Gudrid passed her. "You will learn to be happy here, even if it isn't what you have always pictured."

"Okay," was all Gudrid said, drawing the curtain and finally changing out of her dress to go to sleep in her bed. She clenched the fabric angrily before she threw it to the ground, just like she had done with her wig. If only those around her could accept her for who she was, she would be able to accept it easier, but she was beginning to believe that nobody could accept her or understand her except for herself.


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Thorfinn felt terrible. He knew he was not very good at reading people; in fact, it was something he was genuinely bad at, but he could easily tell that Gudrid was unhappy.

She had had dreams, and they had been crushed. She seemed like a kind young lady, and he couldn't help but think that she should have had the chance to live out those dreams and be who she wanted.

"Tulla said that Gudrid was unhappy in her last marriage," Helga began. It was probably what she and Tulla had talked about after Gudrid and Thorfinn had left. "I can't help but believe that that is why she looks so down."

"It might be a part of it." Thorfinn considered. He was sure he was still right, that Gudrid simply hadn't wanted to remarry yet, but the thought that it was also because of past experiences kept him from bringing it up.

If Thorfinn had known how desperate she truly was, if she had told him, then he wouldn't have married her, no matter what anyone said, but she didn't tell him. Nobody told him.