It gets easier

Chapter 15 / We can come back

—

Thorfinn had been confused, shocked, and even hurt by what his mother said. Telling him to leave Iceland. He hadn't understood it, but she had explained, and now he walked around in doubt.

He watched his childhood friends, his coworkers, and just other villagers live their lives. They seemed like they had a purpose, like they were sure. They walked around hand in hand with their spouses, watching their children play, and Thorfinn had thought it would be like that for him and Gudrid as well, and he was certain that they could. They could be like that, but they could also be something different.

His mother had said that leaving would be best for them, and that part had confused him because they were already happy; they were already in love. How could it get better than that? But what she had continued to say made sense—so much so that it hurt to hear.

Thorfinn didn't really have a purpose. He had returned home after his time as a warrior, seemingly because he felt like he had nowhere else to go. It was only a while later that he grew content with Iceland and saw it as a truly good thing that he had returned. He had returned, but so much of him was still gone.

There was a spark in him that had gone out, and Thorfinn knew that. He had felt something missing, something he thought he could live without, but it had hurt Helga to watch him try to do that.

But something resembling what he had lost, that joy he had before he left her, was starting to return, and it was thanks to Gudrid. She knew she could do things for Thorfinn that nobody else could, and she already had.

And he was helping her as well. She did not know her daughter-in-law as well as her son, of course, but she had seen changes in both of them.

She knew they could continue to change for the better if they only let themselves.

Thorfinn could continue to grow, heal, and find himself, and a purpose, but not in Iceland. He had already gotten what he needed here; that's what his mother said to him, but what she didn't say was what Thorfinn was thinking most of. It was that Gudrid could also live out her dream of seeing the world.

In truth, that was the reason he was hesitant. If he had still been alone, he would have thought that his mother was wrong about this, he would have given into doubt, but he was no longer alone; he had Gudrid, and he couldn't let himself be selfish.

Still, he had not mentioned anything to her when he got home that evening after her.

Truthfully, he had intended to, but she was already dressed for the night, and she looked so tired.

Instead of telling her about what his mother had said, he just smiled at her, letting love for her wash over him again.

But now days had passed, and he had become somewhat afraid of bringing it up.

He was afraid that if she saw the look on his face and his hesitation and doubt, she would lie to him and to herself, telling him it was alright if he chose that they should stay where they were, and he was afraid that he would believe her.

That was the kind of person she was. Gudrid had a willful personality, but she was also kind, so even though he knew she would always want to go, she wouldn't make him choose her dreams over his life.

He wanted her to be honest, though. He wanted her to tell him what she truly wanted.

Deep down, he knew that he would choose whatever Gudrid said they should do.


—————


It was warm, and he felt a gentle breeze on his face. He was awake, but he could stay there in the soft grass with his eyes closed forever, just enjoying this place and enjoying the peace.

"Thorfinn? Thorfinn, are you just sleeping?"

Thorfinn opened his eyes and blinked, probing himself up on his elbows and looking up.

"I was just resting my eyes." He told Gudrid as she made her way to him, a teasing smile on her face as her short hair blew with the wind around her rosy cheeks.

"Sure." She chuckled, not believing him entirely. "Anyway, here," she said, then handed him his lunch. Even years after their marriage, he still told her she didn't need to do that, but she wanted to. She told him she also enjoyed the walk every day, and on the way back home, she would sometimes explore parts of the forest.

It was a wonderful place where they lived. Here in the lush fields of Vinland. He could hardly remember a time before they moved there. It didn't feel like anything bad had ever happened.

He was happy. He was here with his wonderful wife, and his mother, sister, and... his father were here too.

"What's that look on your face?" She asked and sat down next to him, bringing her knees to her chest.

"It's nothing, just..."

"Hm?"

"I might've dozed off," he chuckled, "because I swear I feel like I've had the strangest dream.

Gudrid leaned forward with an odd look on her face.

"But it's not real; this is..." he continued, looking out on the field and the sheep he was supposed to keep watch over.

"It's not, but maybe it's supposed to be. Maybe it's supposed to be like this."

"What?" He turned to his wife, and a cloud suddenly covered the sun. In an instant, he felt cold—as cold as he would be in Iceland—and then he fell.

He always ended up falling, and it wasn't till the ground disappeared below his feet that he realized what was real and what was a dream.

And that was all he remembered.


—————


"There, you're awake. You're okay..."

He was catching his breath, still not processing that he had been woken up.

Gudrid was quick to wake him up now. As he only responded to touch during his nightmares, she had always had to get out of bed and onto the floor, but they shared the bed now.

She was curled up against him with her arm over his chest, feeling it rise and fall as he began to calm down.

"Sorry..."

"Don't. You know it's okay. I just wish..."

He knew. Gudrid wished she could do more, but she was already doing so much. She was by his side every night and consoled him during the most difficult nights.

This night was not one of the worst, however.

He rarely remembers any part of his dreams, only the fall and the pain, but this time he remembered the beginning. Being in Vinland with her.

He wondered if all his dreams started out so pleasant before they took a bad turn, or was it simply because of the thought of leaving Iceland?

"Do you think you can go back to sleep?"

He almost wanted to chuckle. In his dream, she had been scolding him for sleeping.

His mind went back to it. To that dream, that place, and the peace he had felt—and the words Gudrid had said right before he fell.

He knew it wasn't Gudrid; it was his subconscious. Maybe he was trying to tell himself something he already knew deep down. Maybe making Gudrid say it was the only way he would listen.

He turned his head, looking at Gudrid, and their eyes met. He had, for a moment, thought that she had fallen back asleep.

"Hm?" She hummed a question.

She was tired; it really wasn't the best time to bring it up, but his dream and the confused look on her face made it difficult to hold it back any longer.

He sighed, pushing himself up into a sitting position, almost afraid to see the look on Gudrid's face.

"My mother told me we should leave Iceland."

What followed was silence, and he knew that Gudrid was lying there, stunned.

"What?"

"She said-"

"Why?!" She sat up quickly, grabbing a hold of his shoulder and making him look at her. Confusion wasn't the only emotion on her face; there was panic there too. "Have you done something to upset her? Have I- have I done e something? What's bad enough to want us to leave the country?!"

"No, no" Thorfinn hurriedly answered her, shaking his head and grasping her hand. "We've done nothing wrong. Neither of us."

"Then... why?

"She thinks it'll be better for us. Sge thinks we'll be happier somewhere else, traveling and discovering new things."

Gudrid opened her mouth, but no sound came out. She began looking around the dark room, completely overwhelmed by what Thorfinn was telling her, and yet Thorfinn couldn't help but notice how she gave no indication that she thought it was a bad thing.

"I know it's true, that..." he trailed off. "Gudrid, we're happy, aren't we?"

"Yes, yes, of course we are. I am anyway," she said, but her voice was low. She wasn't unsure; she was completely honest, but he knew what she was thinking.

"But you'd be happier if you could follow your dreams."

"I-Thorfinn..." she sighed. "It's the middle of the night..."

"Yes, sorry," he sighed, having known even before he said it that it wasn't the right time to bring it up.

"No, it's good that you brought it up, even if it's overwhelming, and... I don't even know. I don't even know what you want me to say."

"I just want you to be honest."

"But you want to stay." She said it almost sternly, like she knew it was a fact.

"Not... necessarily. It's complicated."

Her eyes widened. Suddenly she didn't look tired at all, and honestly, Thorfinn was not tired at all either.

"What?"

"I mean, it's only because of my mother, and now she's telling me to go. It's all confusing to me."

Her eyes softened. He had told her everything about how guilty he had been for leaving his mother for such a long time and that he felt like he had to make it up to her. She hadn't suspected that that was his only reason for staying, however.

"We..." Gudrid began, but felt her throat clog up.

She didn't want to be selfish; Thorfinn could see it on her face, and with a smile, he encouraged her to keep going.

"We can come back, Thorfinn," she said, and he blinked, and he felt his chest tighten. Was it really that simple? "We can always come back."

"Uh, yes, I suppose..."

"Had you not considered that?" Gudrid asked, and when he didn't answer her immediately, she laughed, and the mood lightened significantly. "You always make things so much harder for yourself than they need to be."

"No, it's not like I hadn't considered it. You just make it sound so easy."

Gudrid leaned in, kissed his chin, and stayed there against him, chuckling slightly. And Thorfinn wrapped an arm around her, holding her a little closer as he thought more about what she had said.

They could always come back.

Things in Iceland didn't change easily. He knew their home would still be there waiting for them, and Ylva would take care of his mother, although begrudgingly. He couldn't imagine the scolding he would get from her.

Thorfinn laughed slightly. "Ylva will never let us hear the end of it."

"Don't be fooled. She'd miss you if you went, but she'd understand."

They sat in silence for a while longer. Neither is feeling tired at all.

Thorfinn thought about the years he had spent in Iceland, and he thought back to the wars he had waged on the mainland and the ones he still waged in his mind. It truly had hollowed him; even after he came to live a normal life in Iceland, there was something wrong deep inside, and then Gudrid had come, unexpectedly bringing him exactly what he had been lacking, and now, like a fire in a snowstorm, she was leading him the way he was too scared to go on his own.

"We'll go," he said, his voice firmer now. "We'll travel and see what there is to see. And if we want to come back, we will."

He felt her stiffen against him, and he smiled. She probably hadn't expected him to make a decision right then. Maybe she thought he needed a couple of days, but it had already been a couple of days since he'd had time to think about it.

"I think I need some time to actually get more used to the idea of leaving, however. And we need to know how we'll even go about it." He didn't have time to say any more as Gudrid crashed her lips against his. He was taken aback for a second. He could still not get used to her lips against his, but he quickly melted into it.

When she pulled away, he was sure he saw her eyes shining with tears. "I can't believe you. Do you really mean it?"

"I wouldn't say it if I didn't. You're happy, right?"

She nodded. "I'm happy. You make me so happy, Thorfinn. I love you so much," she told him, and he could hear in her voice how she was struggling not to cry.

She had waited so long for anyone to do this for her. And even after she had told him she was okay with staying in Iceland as long as she was with him, he was doing this.

"Yet another thing I didn't expect from this marriage." She hummed and leaned against him again.

"Me neither."

"Makes you wonder how we'll continue to surprise each other, huh?"

"Hm, yeah, I'm sure we'll continue doing that as long as we live."

"Mm, hmm," she nodded against him, and he smiled, feeling her become a little heavier.

"We could have probably had this conversation in the morning. We can go back to sleep now."

She shook her head. "I said I'm happy you brought it up, and I'm really happy we've talked about it. It's probably brought you a little more peace of mind, right?"

"More than you can know."