It gets easier

Chapter 5 / The wedding

—

Gudrid tried to run away the next day, but Tulla caught up to her at the harbor. She had planned to hide amongst crates or barrels and sneak onto the next ship that headed out to sea. Tulla ordered Gudrid not to mention her escape to anyone, for fear of what the family would think of her. She said it would only cause unnecessary bitterness and drama.

Unfortunately, it meant that Tulla didn't let Gudrid out of her sight, and that meant that Thorfinn and Gudrid had no more private conversations. Thorfinn had wished to talk to her more, to get to know her better, and to prepare for their Kerri together instead of just letting others do that for them. He was still unsure if he should tell her everything, but he should at least tell her some things about himself.

He could see her getting more and more withdrawn, and he felt worse and worse every time he thought about it.

"Don't start having doubts now! The wedding is tomorrow," Ylva scolded when Thorfinn voiced his worries. The planning had gone so well that Ylva had almost no reason to worry, but she should have expected these kinds of worries from her younger brother.

"Ylva, he's allowed to be nervous." Helga spoke softly, understanding both of her children's situations.

"Of course he is my mother; I just don't want him to start making excuses," Ylva sighed. She was clearly stressed as well.

"I'm not," Thorfinn sighed. "I have accepted this; I just worry."

"It's a good thing that you do," Helga smiled. "You're thinking about her feelings, and that is something that is very important."

Ylva sighed and nodded, her voice softening as she decided to give her younger brother some encouragement. "Once you get married, you'll both get used to it quickly. From what I see, you'll make a good match, so don't worry too much."

"A good match? Why do you think that?" He turned around, having kept his back to his sister, confused. They had barely talked or interacted at all, so how could Ylva know that?

She shrugged. "It's just a feeling I have. Believe your older sister and go to bed; you have an early start tomorrow."

He sighed and pushed himself out of his chair. "Yeah..."

"What? Hold on." Ari spoke up for the first time from the corner of the room where he had put the children to bed. "Tonight is Thorfinn's last night of freedom; we should have a drink," he chuckled, so it was probably some kind of joke.

"Last night of freedom?"

"What is that supposed to mean?" Ylva growled, and Ari immediately regretted his words.

"You know what? Forget that I said anything. Goodnight Thorfinn!"

Thorfinn hesitated, but then he went to change. It was meant as a funny joke, but it was exactly what Thorfinn had been thinking about too: that this marriage was probably more of a trap for him and Gudrid than anything else.

He sincerely hoped he could change that and make it so that, eventually, even if it would take years, they would be able to look back and think that it was a good thing that they married each other.

—————

They could see it on each other's faces as they walked towards each other—that they were both uncomfortable and would rather be anywhere else but surrounded by the entire village that early morning.

They had been escorted to the sacred grounds, Thorfinn by his friends, and Gudrid by her family, or rather her in-laws, as her actual family wasn't there for her this day. He thought that that would probably also make it more difficult not to have them there to support her.

When they stood in front of each other, he gently took her hand, as he was supposed to lead her the rest of the way to where Godi, the village's religious leader, stood, ready to officiate them.

He wanted to ask her if she was alright, like he had when they first spoke alone a few days ago, but he really didn't need to; he could see it on her face. Her eyes were glazed over, and she could barely look at him.

He prayed that he wasn't making a mistake when he began leading them both to the godi and kneeled down before him.

The Godi was an elderly man with a long goatee, a bald head, and sunken eyes. He was a very serious man, and he looked almost emotionlessly at Gudrid and Thorfinn as they kneeled before him.

As Thorfinn and Gudrid each said their vows, promising to stand by one another through sickness and health, he also wondered if she was really okay with the way it was being done. She was a Christian after all, and from what he remembered from Canute, Ragnar, and that odd priest, it was very important for them not to stray from their religion, though... it seemed that Canute had in the end.

Once they had spoken, the godi raised his arms, holding a hand over Thorfinn and a hand over Gudrid.

"By the powers granted to me by Odin and Thor, I, Funi, son of Jokull, hereby officiate the union of Thorfinn, son of Thors, and Gudrid, daughter of Thorbjorn. May this union bring them happiness, prosperity, and fulfillment of their mutual desires. May this union be blessed with good fortune, health, and strength. May they both take an oath to love and cherish each other in sickness and in health, in prosperous times and in difficult times, in joy and in sorrow." He spoke, his voice deep and serious with the finality of those words, and then he took a step back from them and met Thorfinn's eyes for a moment.

And just like that, in a speech that took less than a minute to say out loud, they had been wed.

They were married.

—————

Everyone congratulated them, of course, calling them a beautiful couple, and Thorfinn felt like it was wrong to say "thank you," so most of the time he just smiled. He barely had a moment without anyone coming up to speak to him for him to look at Gudrid.

After the ceremony, she kept her head down, and her blonde hair falling beside her head made it difficult to see her eyes.

At one moment, he reached over, past the armrest of his own chair, and squeezed her arm. She flinched under his touch, but for the first time that evening, she looked up, first at his hand and then at his face.

He was trying to show her comfort and understanding, but Gudrid looked confused, like she was sure she was misunderstanding something.

He really didn't know what he could do for her or say to her in that moment, so the words that tumbled out were not all that meaningful: "Are you hungry?"

She had hardly eaten anything from the grand feast, despite there being such a great variety of food they normally couldn't get in Iceland.

She blinked at him before she finally realized that he really was just trying to be kind. She really had no appetite, so although she was actually grateful, she shook her head. "No, I'm not that hungry."

He nodded and let go of her. "Just tell me if you need something," he told her, desperate for her to know that he wanted to help her make this easier.

"Thank you..."

Eventually Tulla came and whispered something in Gudrid's ear, and both of them left. Thorfinn had prepared for this part too. Thorfinn just clenched the arm rests of his chair with his hands and pushed himself out of his seat, ignoring the hushed comments of his friends and family.

—————

Tulla had at least let Gudrid be more comfortable for this part, actually allowing her to wear what she wanted. But she had ordered her to still wear the wig; that was all.

She clenched onto the fabric of her pants, sitting on the edge of the bed inside the small annex that was nearly connected to Thorfinn's family home.

It was a small room, with just enough room for the bed, a few chairs, and an empty basin for water in the corner.

She listened for anything resembling footsteps in the snow outside, but all she heard was the wind. Even the faint laughter and music of the party in the distance disappeared, and Thorfinn still didn't come.

She decided that there was no reason to keep sitting there, waiting patiently, so she layered herself on top of the furs and decided that he could just wake her when he got back. She was so exhausted, but still, she didn't fall asleep right away. It was a weird realization that she was married again.

She couldn't run away from this; she would just have to get used to it. She would have to get used to living her life on this island with a man she didn't love, even though he was so kind to her. There were so many things she would never see or experience, and why? Just for this? Just because she was born a woman instead of a man?

Gudrid couldn't help herself; the thoughts were overwhelming. For the first time that day, she let her emotions out as she turned her face into the furs and began to quietly sob.

She made herself more exhausted by crying, and eventually she slumped further, breathing in the warmth, and as she took over, just for a moment, she forgot why she was so sad.

She slept quietly the rest of the night without being disturbed.