my little parts

what i would tell you

you,
you are not my first love and not my last and I'm not even sure I love you. I am sure that if I got the chance, I don't think I would've made the choice to meet you. because while you are my greatest joy and you make me laugh everyday, you make me feel like complete shit. you make me feel like I don't matter. we've both done some really shitty things to eachother and I don't think we've forgiven ourselves or eachother. we both came up with explanations to excuse our actions.

I cannot write this. I cannot put what I think into words. I cannot put what I think into a sentence that makes sense because I think too much about you and what I would really say if you cared, if you could understand, if you knew. but the truth is? you don't care. you do understand what I feel. and you do know how I feel. you. don't. care.

even after we aren't together, we still echo. our affection is toxic, one second we can be all over eachother only to have the sweet nothing we don't receive from where they are desired. and sometimes? sometimes it actually feels real. then I get those moments when I know that they aren't. you don't really care about me, you care about her. I am a replacement and that's what hurts the most. you don't fucking care. and that's all I want you to do. I want you to fight for me, I want you to want me for who I am instead of what I am. I want you to fight for me as if tomorrow I could be dead. because I do all those things for you. because even though I have so many chances and opportunities, I don't take them. I stay wishing and hoping and dreaming for you to notice me more than an object that would do anything for you. I'm begging you not to treat me like a toy. and I know you don't mean to but just for once I wished you would be genuine and like me. and need me. and love me like you love her.

none of this makes sense but for once I just want you listen and know that every step and decision I made was to benefit us. was to help you notice me. I sound like an attention whore but man I really wanted you. and now? now I feel like I'm trying to be my own person. I feel like- maybe- I can be who I am and be with someone who needs me just as much as I need them. you don't need me. you just don't.