mistakes like this | minsung ✗

chapter four.

• jisung's pov •

things haven't been the same after winning the science fair with minho. not in a good way, my father is having difficulty with his job, and at school, i've been getting far much more bullied. stupid kids tell me to go in the back of the school building and there they make me stand in front of them as they all say things to me such as "faggot" or "gay motherfucker," rude things i don't like hearing. i don't even know why but i just let that happen. i don't think i have the courage, or the strength to ignore it or fight back. i just take it all in. 

it's not a good thing, i know that. but i can't help myself. 

why do i feel so shitty right now? 

why can't i just feel like my old self again? 

i hate this. i hate being ignorant and taking stuff in when i don't have to. i wasn't like that back then. i wonder if it's because of the environment around me that's making me suffocate me to death. 

the only thing that ever seems to be making me feel better these days is having minho acknowledge of my existence. he greets me much more often now, and unlike me, he looks more confident in himself than he did back then. well, he's always been confident, but this time it just feels different. i don't know why, but he seems a bit more laid-back. then again, it's probably just him growing up. 

i just really hope that he'll finally consider being my friend. 

he could ignore my feelings, but can he just please be my friend? i could accept the fact that we'll most definitely never end up in a relationship, but just for once, can the universe let us be friends?

i shouldn't expect much from this. 

and it's sad i know this. i know i'll never be a friend of minho's. not in this life time anyway. 

minho seems to have caught on with my change of personality. i know he's worried about me, he just doesn't want to admit it. he doesn't know how to admit it. i feel enlighten because of this, knowing minho can notice the change in me. so he's always been observant then? 

he even came up to see me once. he didn't ask me what was wrong, but he talked to me. not by force, i mean he actually came up to talk to me. all by himself. or at least, he tried to. but then he probably realized what he was doing and backed away the last minute. i understand why. 

i mean, why would he suddenly go talking to the person who he's always found annoying? 

i didn't wanna push him by admitting his concern, so i just left it as it was. plus, i didn't know till the next morning that i figured out lee minho was worried about me. then i couldn't stop myself and after school i called him out. he was flustered, i thought it was cute. 

i left it it that and walked back home. 

the next morning, when i walked out my house i spot minho standing over my fence, his back was facing me, but i instantly knew that it was him. 

"what are you doing out here?" i called out, slowly approaching him and opening the small fence door. 

minho turned around, meeting my gaze, but then he quickly looks away. "oh, um...nothing. you're going to school right?" his voice was all nervous, but it sent butterflies into the pit of my stomach. 

"yeah? why wouldn't i?" i try to lighten up his nerves by making a joke but all i end up getting from him is a forced smile. i know that smile, he's always done it whenever someone had given him something he didn't know about it or he didn't like at all. a polite forced smile so others wouldn't think bad of him. it's the kind of smile when you don't wanna be rude by rejecting something you don't like.