mistakes like this | minsung ✗

chapter fifteenth.

↳ minho's pov ⋆｡˚

christmas eve, seungmin had decided to throw a small friendly party at our house. i can't say i'm not liking it. because, i do like it. i like the fact he had that sort of idea because then, i could finally see jisung. it's been weeks since i last saw him, and though i should probably be glad i'm so busy to not have any time to talk, text him, or even think about him, i'm drained. i'm getting drained. my job is exhausting due to the fact that it's holiday season, finals exams are just along the way, and my own unsatisfied pleasure is being ignored and shoved to the side. i don't even have any time for myself. 

i don't have time to think, to pause and relax in my bed as i question what the hell is happening to me. why i care so much about jisung. why i want to be and feel him almost every single hour that passes by. why i have this strange sort of familiar feeling in my chest and stomach and heart and veins. pumping up such adrenaline i've never felt before when it comes to thinking about him. when it comes to feeling things for jisung. 

i think it is okay to say, han jisung has injected me with some sort of jisung cocaine. i am slipping. i am falling. i am flying. i am on the ground. i don't know what is okay for me to want. i don't know what will happen if i admit to myself that i'm possibly— most definitely, gay. gay for han jisung. 

will i be able to love myself? to be proud of myself? with the fact that i have fallen in love with the boy who i always forced myself not to like and pretend to not know of his existences? with the fact that i am in great deal in love with the boy who i always tried to run away from? 

how will the world see me? how i be able to see myself? why does it matter so much to me how i and everyone else in this world sees me? why can't i just be happy and let myself feel what i truly want to feel for someone instead of forcing it? why can't i just be happy for myself? 

it's difficult. it's a man strangling a rope around my neck and threatening me not to say any of the truth. to not confess. 

i am terrified. 

i am terrified of what the people will say about me. what they'll think of me. what they think i'll do to them. what they'll judge me for. i am terrified of that, rather than not being able to live the happy life i want. i am terrified, i won't be able to accept myself. 

yet, even so, after all that chaos, all that trauma, i find something inside me, still searching and yearning to give a touch of my love to jisung. to show, to tell him that i love him. that i love the fact that he's able to live with himself, that's he's able to love himself, to accept everything about himself, to not care. 

i love him. i love han jisung. i love his personality, i love his kind soul, i love his transparency, i love his different moods, i love his laugh, i love his heart shaped smile, i love his curly hair, i love the way he eats his food, i love the way he dresses, i love his voice, i love his body, i love his doe round eyes, i love the calmness that always surrounds him. i'm pretty sure i love him...i think i can love him, but i cannot show him my love unless i love myself first. 

i cannot risk everything for him when i can't even risk anything for myself. 

i cannot hurt him without putting my needs first. 

i cannot look at him without worrying about everything and everyone that has something to say. 

i cannot love him, when i can't even love myself. accept myself. 

i am needy. i am greedy. i am selfish. i have improper thoughts. i find warmth in my solitaire. but i cannot live without the thought of leaving people unsatisfactory. i cannot put myself first when i put everyone else that is most definitely unimportant first. to put their needs for me first. i find acceptance within other people, i find their acceptance more important than my own.