mistakes like this | minsung ✗

chapter five.

• minho's pov •

i spotted han jisung behind the school grounds. he wasn't alone though. there were boys surrounding him, and i overhear them talking to jisung like the jerks they are. i hid behind the wall and slowly peer my gaze to a somewhat clear view of them. jisung has his back facing me, while i take notice of the faces of the group of boys. 

"yo, faggot, can you do me a dear favor and come suck my cock? would you care to do that for me?" one of the boys spat. "c'mon, you're getting it for free all here. isn't that something you'd like?" i wince at his words even though it isn't meant to be said towards me. 

silence follows right after, and i notice how jisung puts his hands behind him, pinching his skin roughly. i can't hear the next thing jisung says, but the next moment their face expressions change and they grab jisung's head and throw him to the ground. the moment i see this, i get the urge to walk over to them, my foot moves but then i stop myself. my brain stops myself from letting my body move on it's own. 

i take a step and lower my head, feeling ashamed of myself for not being able to help jisung out because all i could think about was, what would happen to me, if i ended up helping jisung out? 

exactly the same thing. 

for all i know, they could come to me and start saying all these fake things about me. then they'll most definitely be rumors going around school saying that i'm a gay myself. which i'm not. by all means, i'm not. i don't like boys. i don't like han jisung. at least, not in that way. 

the school bell rings just in time, and the boys quickly scatter away from jisung after calling him another few awful words to him. i stare at jisung, who's now on the floor with his head dipped down. from my view, i can't even tell if he's crying, or even alive. 

a sudden sting retraces my thoughts away from the boy across from me, only then did i realize how badly heavy i was chewing on the inside of my cheek that i ended up cutting a piece of my skin. my hand goes to touch my left cheek, my eyes still haunting the back of jisung. though the next second, i force myself to look away as my feet began walking off as well. 

truly, i wanted to go see jisung, to help him out, but i couldn't. i couldn't risk doing that. i just couldn't do that to myself. i can't afford for there to be rumors about me liking a boy or liking han jisung. it'd be a nightmare i couldn't find myself in. 

all i could think about, was how i never wanted to be someone who was in han jisung's shoes. 

strangely, i found myself glancing over at han jisung in science class that day. the scene that kept playing in head wouldn't leave me, and it only got much more deeper inside of me when i would look over at han jisung, the boy himself. 

this time though, something felt different. 

i found myself studying han jisung. not staring. 

the way the his eyebrows would screw up whenever he wrote something wrong down, or when he was confuse about something. the way he bite his lower lip anxiously when he tried hard to find the answer. the way he still looked normal after what was said to him not long ago. i couldn't stop analyzing him. wondering what the hell went on in his head to make him look so unaffected after everything that was said to him. 

it was only a few words, a few slurs, you can say, but how long has it been happening for?

the worry only got worse when those sort of questions began creating and duplicating even more inside of me. i don't know why i'm so worried, because even after thinking i am, i still went ahead and did nothing to help jisung out or stop the bullying. all i did was stare and watch. how could i say or think that i'm worried about him when i do nothing to about it?