mistakes like this | minsung ✗

chapter twelve.

↳ jisung's pov ⋆｡˚

ever since then, all minho and i have been doing is fucking each other. at night, minho comes over to my place and i'm dressed in a pretty small outfit that he always compliments me about. never did i ever think i'd be hearing minho say those words. "wow, you look amazing."

"fuck, you're so pretty."

"how are you so gorgeous?"

sometimes, i want to believe he's genuinely meaning to say this to me...but i know they're just words floating in the air like the way we breath, meaningless breathing we don't even know we take in. having sex with minho has messed up my mind and heart even more than i ever wish it did. sex tricks me into thinking this is what he actually wants, that he actually feels the same way about me. but, it's just sex. with no feelings, no emotions.

should i feel happy? should i feel excited? should i feel sad? worried? i don't even know...

i just try not to overthink about it and let it pass. i know very well the younger me would've been fooled by minho's actions and have been so excited to be having this sort of relationship with him because he's literally feeling me. inside of me. the younger me would've loved this even though it's just sex and still one-sided.

but i've changed. i know when people truly feel things for me and when they just want to show affection because they remember they can...yet i don't know where minho fits into what category.

he's confusing...sometimes all he wants to do is have sex in secret in my bed, leaving right afterwards because he's busy. or, sometimes we have sex and cuddle each other afterwards in my bed, talking about things, then when there's nothing more to say, we just enjoy each other's comfort in the silence. we sleep together (not sex, literally sleep on the same bed, that's it), we watch anime together, we eat together, and do normal things you do with a friend. with a friend who you also have sex with. 

still, he's not...like the other people who've i hooked up with.

some just want sex and that's it, they don't dare to clean my body up afterwards and just walk right out the door. yet, minho doesn't do that. every single time, he makes sure that we're both all cleaned up and neat. some people ask me for more information about me, demanding me to know them and to be with them, eager to date me. yet, minho shows no interest in that. he gives me space, we give each other space.

even though we mostly just have sex in my place, i sorta like it that way.

no feelings attached, no problems.

if i want, i'm sure i can just call off the sex and we'll both be fine with it.

he won't make a big deal about it...i'm sure of it (at least not like anyone i've met has done so). in a way, you can say i'm okay with this. i've grown, i'm not gonna be all miserable if minho ends up not feeling the same way about me. i won't make it a big deal if he ends up being straight all along and ends up not wanting to see me anymore. i'd understand. i'll know. we're not little kids anymore, if there's a situation, a problem, we'll fix it. without any misunderstandings. that's all there is to it.

⋆ ˚｡⋆୨୧˚

december 4 2021

today, minho has texted me he can't make it today. so, i was not expecting to hear anything from him for the entire night, but, unexpectedly, that wasn't at all the case.