mistakes like this | minsung ✗

chapter nine.

↳ jisung's pov ⋆｡˚

the past twelve years that i've spent my entire time moving on from lee minho have gone to absolute waste the moment i saw his eyes once again. i've lingered back to him, like always. and, that's absolutely wrong for me to continue doing.

yet, even after knowing it's wrong, i can't seem to worry or even back down from it.

my heart will always crave for minho, as horrible, as unhealthy as it is, i will always crave for his touch. for his affection, for his love.

he's straight, his words not mine. though as a gay person myself, i don't think he really is.

not by the way he kissed me. there's no way he's entirely straight.

that's not been my first kiss, i've kissed many men back in america before. but it has been my first kiss with him. with lee minho. the only person i've ever wanted my first kiss to be taken away from. 

it's been everything i ever wanted, but it wasn't the same as i dreamed it'd be. it didn't feel like i thought it would, really. it just felt like a kiss. like any other person i've ever kissed before. i wished it didn't. but it did. i'd like to imagine it felt like explosions were set off in my stomach, or butterflies filled my entire body, so i'd known the kiss wasn't just a kiss.

but it was, just a kiss.

i can't help but wonder if it's because i know minho probably didn't kiss me with much sincerity, more so with the desire of heat and yearn. the destruction of love. 

in the past decade i've grown to love myself, to accept myself. it mostly has to due to the fact that i moved places and found another environment where no one knew nothing about me.

i made some friends. they were great. until we all began to focus more on our studies and eventually grew apart due to following our dream jobs. i moved to seoul city to attend the great university here. my best friend, felix moved here with me, so i'm not that worried if i have friends or not. just as long as i have him, that'd be enough for me.

i entered a drama club this year, so if i get any part that requires being feminine, then i have to dress like i'm a female. the drama club people say i'm really great at doing that job, so acutely they made me the person that could get a female role. even though there were still real females in the club that could get the part, but they precisely say they enjoy and are pleased seeing my performances.

i feel bad though. because they're still other females that could get the role, and though, they rarely do get the main role. i should probably be grateful for my great acting skills, but it still somewhat hurts me to see them trying their best and still get rejected.

i'm probably being a horrible person for this.

the way i dressed that night when i ran into minho, is not normally how i dress. even though i look good in it, pretty in it, i don't like it. i mean, i do. but, not entirely.

no one in campus knows i'm gay, so, that takes a great weight off my shoulders. i can start anew... unless, i run into a familiar face. for example, like minho. but, that's not an example, because i did run into him. and you know what else i did? i gave him a blowjob.

my mind still can't comprehend the entire situation.

i really wish to think it was the alcohol taste of minho's mouth that screwed my mind over. even though, i know the real reason why i did that was because i wanted to proof something to minho. to proof to him who he had messed up in the past, to proof to him how much more sexier i was, to proof to him how much he really wants me.

but all of those are just lies i would have liked to believe.

the real reason, because i still wanted him to think of me. i still want him to want me. i still like him.

and god he's grown into such an irresistible absolutely attractive person. oh my god. his brown hair is no longer brown, he has dyed his locks a majestic blonde. a bit of brown was returning at the top of his scalp, but it didn't ruin anything. running my hands down his stomach got me a trace of the six pack that he hides behind his shirt. the clothes he wore that night were tight that they happily allowed me to form his firm muscled body. muscled biceps, thick thighs, sharp features, and an enormous dick.

i used to think he was cute, adorable shy little boy who was afraid to talk me. but, my god. i still can't believe i got to give him a blowjob. and he allowed me to do that to him...i mean, what could that even mean?

is it possible there's a 1% chance his feelings still linger with something that could possibly be interest? for me?

possible?

i'd like to hope so.

⋆ ˚｡⋆୨୧˚

october 26 2021

"big party tonight, you coming?" felix asks the next day when we're both in my bedroom, hanging around and watching the young royals on netflix. it was supposed to be a rot in my room hour right now, but felix, being a life of the party, decides to give me this new news i hadn't known since i had awoke.

i don't like parties. i don't like drinking. i don't like crowds. i don't like loud people. i don't like parties.

"you wanna go?" i asked him, even though it's a clear question already. why else would he suddenly bring this up four hours later since he arrived?

"it's saturday, jisung..! everyone knows saturdays are for having fun," felix says as he walks towards me with a flirtatious movement.

i chuckle quietly. "you know what else saturdays are good for? rotting in your bed, doing absolutely nothing," i reminded. i can't be the only one who does that.

"oh c'mon, jisung...! please, come with me...you know i can't go alone."

"why? you know all you end up doing is walking away and going over to your boyfriend," i tell him, "leaving me all alone. like a stray dog."

felix frowns at this. "hey, that's mean. don't say like a "stray dog" you're hurting me now, ji."

"sorry, i shouldn't have brought them up," i quiet down, also feeling a bit sad now.

there's a moment of silence, before felix brightens up and grabs my two hands into his. "c'mon let's go the party to cheer up," he says, already standing up and making me stand up along with him. i wasn't supposed to stand up.

"we'll make you look hot tonight, ji. next thing you know, you'll be having men up your side left and right! how exciting~"

i don't know how i feel about this, but i can't stop felix from leading me to the seat in front of my mirror and my essential desk full of makeup and jewelry. before i even know it, i'm getting ready.

felix decides to dress me up like i'm his doll. tight white see-through over knee socks and a tiny white elegant skirt that exposes most of my thighs, but he allows me to wear an over-sized white button down shirt that hides my butt-cheeks. a black gucci bag slings over my shoulder, which completes my entire look. felix seems to be pleased about it. i'm happy if he's happy. 

i'm a bit nervous about going, but i won't lie i do hope i get to meet someone that'll take me to their place afterwards. i could use some pleasure after being all stiffed and tense since the last time i saw minho. it's his fault i've been feeling so out of place lately. 

touching myself more than i ever used to in the shower. all i can do is picture his stunning face, and the entire moment that i let happened with him. 

god, i really need to get laid soon.