mistakes like this | minsung ✗

chapter twenty two.

↳ minho's pov ⋆｡˚

march 10 2022

jisung has returned back from his trip. i haven't spoken to him, and neither has he, and all i want to do is see his face. but i haven't seen him anywhere in campus and i'm too much of a coward to go visit him alone. i can't help but wonder what he must be doing. how things are going on his other end...we used to talk about this. when i would go over to his apartment, we used to talk about our lives, what was happening and what we want...but now, we can't talk about it without feeling a sense of missing something in return. or at least, i can't. 

how do you move on from someone when all you want to do is hold them in your arms? when all i want to do is confess. i want to confess. i want to tell jisung how much he means to me and how i regret everything i ever did to him. i want to come clean, i want to look at him without feeling a painful feeling in the pit of my stomach. in my heart. i want to be his friend, but all i can think about is being his lover. 

and i know i'm so bad for thinking that...but i just can't stop thinking about it. 

frustration, confusion, and panic is all i ever feel these days. and i am trying to feel calm, stay relaxed, but it's impossible of doing. 

i've been straight my entire life, suddenly everything's changed, and i haven't even began more than that. more than knowing i find some guys attractive. it's like...hiding something i can't allow to make it's appearance. and it's so difficult to just ignore, to just brush off and move on. it's not easy to just move on in the next two weeks. 

i want to find out who i am. 

without worrying, without pressure, without warnings. 

i am feeling impulsive. loosing my own patience with my own self. 

⋆ ˚｡⋆୨୧˚

i am walking to my class when i miraculously run into han jisung himself. he's walking beside seungmin, and i try not to let it pester me. jisung doesn't notice me, as he's too busy laughing along with seungmin, and i hesitate whether or not to expose my presence. 

but when i pass by jisung, i hastily grab his arm and he turns around so we're meeting each other's eyes. "hi," i breathed out, something inside me quivers with warmth. 

jisung looks surprised, but his lips turn into a smile. "hey! how's it going?" he asks, a little bit too excitedly. too much oblivious. 

"good," i manage to respond without hearing the crack in my heart. "how are you? how was the trip?" i ask him, ignoring seungmin's presence. 

"great! it was really fun, right seung?" jisung takes a glance back at his boyfriend and i slowly let go of his arm, my fingers gazing his skin softly. i can't help but notice him flinch, his eyes shifting back to me. 

"yeah, it was amazing. hey, i heard jeongin invited you, why didn't you come?" seungmin asks me. 

i force myself to look at him when i respond, "oh yeah, i wasn't really feeling it." 

"why? is something wrong?" jisung asks, and my eyes avert back to him. he has a worried expression written across his face. my lungs tighten. 

"i'm fine...don't worry about it," i tried to reassure as i send jisung a soft smile towards his way. he stares at me, for a quiet moment before his eyes lit up and his mouth opens wide.