The Smile You Hold

Sudden downpour

Like always, the sky was grey, and the rain was pouring. There wasn't any wind. I liked the rain. I felt comfort watching as everyone hid from it. I found myself in love with rain. It reminded me of. . . Me.

In a way, no one truly cared for me. For as long as I can remember, I can only think of three or maybe four people who truly care for me. Sadly, only two are left from the four. Everyone else, they don't like me. I remember their exact words, too.

I hate him, his ego especially.

His face is difficult to look at.

He's annoying.

He is a bit gloomy.

He's very quiet... like a mouse.

He needs to sociolize more.

I mean, he isn't bad! He just needs a little shine to him.

He needs to smile more. No wonder people don't like him.

Yes, some aren't meant in bad intentions, though however you try to make your thoughts pretty, negative ones will always stay ugly. They felt like needles in me. I didn't show it, but I barely contained myself once I heard them. No one truly likes me. I'm only here to fight. Fight for nothing.

***

It was another cloudy day. It's been cloudy for a while. Too long. The weather affects my mood. Though, not that anyone would notice. Nobody gives me a chance. Not a single person gives me a chance to befriend them. Maybe then I would be happy. But, there is this boy. This boy I dearly love. He's like a son to me, and I would do anything to protect him and his sister. Even go as far as to break the corps rules.

"Please, I'm begging. Please don't kill my sister. I promise... I promise to revert her back to human! Just give me a chance, please!" The young boy begged for his life. The dread, his choked up voice, his desperation. He reminded me of. . . me. I remember lashing out at him. For some reason, this boy stuck to me like glue. Eventually, my ice heart melted right in front of him.

In a fight, longer ago. I remember seeing his soft face covered in blood and cuts. He was on the ground, protecting his sister. Who unfortunately was a demon. He was powerless, grabbing on to life as if it was the only salvation he had left. Those round, watery eyes made my heart break, and right then, and there did my ice castle break. I fell to my knees and reached forward for him. Cupping his face and pulling him into me. I could see his surprise, yet he had a sense beyond my understanding. In turn, he hugged me back, bringing his sister in between us. For the first time ever, I felt important. I felt loved and valued. To a boy, who I found deep in snow. I was like his second father, a big brother to look up to. For the first time ever, I wanted to live.

It made me realise something. It made me realise how important this boy in my arms was. He was important, as precious as food. He was the reason I wanted to live. He opened up my heart and swung the doors right open to a world so new, yet so familiar. A world I left behind in fear of harming anymore people. But I don't need to feel this fear anymore. There was no need. Not anymore.

The cloudy start to the day already put me in a gloomy mood. Sure, it's not like anyone would see the difference. Does anyone even notice? Truly, probably not. It didn't help that today was the monthly Hashira meeting. Master wanted us to have a Hashira meeting at the start of every month. Usually, after the meeting, Uzui or Mitsuri invited us to their estate for a drink. I was usually left at the corner of the table. Kocho would try to talk to me, though she usually 'teased' me more than have a normal conversation.

Getting up was a hassle. Washing up even more. Though, I didn't want to stink, and the knots in my hair needed to go. If I turned up like this, I would be shamed for the rest of my life. Especially by Kocho and Sanemi, Iguro too. The three always had something against me.