The Smile You Hold

a breath of salty air

As Shinobu said, I spent most of my days outside. I had to have a blanket around me so as not to get a cold. After a bit, the blanket upgraded to a shawl. A small problem grew, and I couldn't stay off work forever. So Master had to know. Shinobu did her talking, and I was let off work. Others grew suspicious of this, and Rengoku tried to keep everyone off me. I owe him a big thanks.

"Is the medicine working?" Shinobu handed me a cup full of her medicine. I looked down at the tiny waves within the dark liquid.

"It soothes my coughs." I gulped the thick liquid down and afterwards drank some water to get rid of the bitter taste.

"That's a good sign. Make sure to keep moving and wear the shawl." She took both cups and walked away as I nodded. I always had to have fresh air around me, no matter the weather. So Shinobu had a special room remodelled for me and others like me. The room had mesh coverings on the windows, so if it rained, the mesh would keep the water away, but the air flow going. For warmth, the room had western inspired insulation, and Shinobu had found heated mats to place under the futons, which at night kept me warm no matter the weather.

I did feel better when fresh air was around. Especially after it rained. The smell of the damp earth mixing in with the woody scent of the forest was pleasant. It brought me joy.

Once again, I was alone with my thoughts. Or so I thought.

"Hi, Tomioka." The same gruffy voice that gave me butterflies. It was him, Shinazugawa.

"Shinazugawa, hello." I smiled as I watched him sit down beside me. It seemed like he was recovering from his mission.

"What happened on your mission?" I looked down at his shin and ankle. They were bandaged up tightly.

"I got bit by the demon." He chuckled, looking a bit embarrassed.

"On your leg?" I stifled a small laugh.

"Yeah, listen. I don't even know how that happened myself." He grumbled out. It seemed like his ego was hurt a tiny bit.

"Alright, alright." As the silence fell over us, it seemed like mother nature sang her songs.

In the corner of my eyes, I could see Shinazugawa glance at me and then my hair. "Your clip, it suits you."

"Oh, thank you. The three girls gifted it to me." I brushed my fingers along the end of the clip. Bright blue mixed with black. Like water and night. The silver lining of the light of the moon. I was always drawn to water. The rain, the river or the lake near my house, the bamboo transporting water or the wells filled with it. I loved it all.

"Shinazugawa." Somethimg churned in my stomach. Forget butterflies. Birds banged against my stomach, knowing I had limited days, I needed to spill my cup.

"Yes?" His voice. Oh, so soft. Calming my bundle of nerves, laying them to rest in their serene ocean. As if on queue, drops fell from the grey sky, not completely cold, however, not warm. The shower grew heavier, and I got an idea.

"Dance in the rain with me." I turned to face him, my eyes begging for a yes. No matter how uncharacteristic it was for me or him, it was my last wish.

I could see something in him. As if he knew something was coming to an end. Like a river drying out, he watched as I grew weaker by day. With a smile and a nod, he gently took my hand and led me out into the rain. I knew Shinobu would yell at me for this. But I'd much rather spend my last days happily than cooped up in a wooden box with barely any way of recovery.

Once in the middle of the garden, we both turned to one another. He placed his hand on the small of my back, and with the other, he took my hand. I placed my hand on his shoulder when we started to slowly sway, taking small steps. We swayed as the rain splashed around us. Our hair stuck to our skin, and our clothes clung to us. My shawl got damp and grazed against my neck.

"The day I first saw you, I thought I hated you. Your ego, your eyes, your hair, the look you always gave everyone. Hated it all. But, I soon came to realise. . . It was something else." My breath hitched. It caught in my throat. "I love you, Tomioka Giyuu. Your ocean eyes, your cream skin, your midnight hair. I love it all. I love the way you admire everyone around you, I love your smile and your small laughs. I love it all. I want to etch you into my skin until you're the only thing I can see. I want you to crawl into my head so you're the only thing I can think of. My love for you is infinite to the universe out there."

That's it. That's all it took for me to crumble into his embrace. As his head dipped into my neck, I felt his ragged breath. My hair stood up, and my body shook with glee. I couldn't believe it. There was confusion for Shinazugawa. The person I came to love so suddenly. The rain didn't seem there as my mind raced through his words.

"I. . . I love you too." My voice got muffled by Shinazugawa's kimono. But the tears were evident. They fell like the rain we danced it. They were washed away by the water dripping down our hair.

Once my words spun around him, I could feel him exhale a breath, his shoulders fell, and a chuckle of relief escaped his lips. "You had me worried there." His head rose up from my neck, his violet eyes staring into my own. I couldn't believe he was mine to keep. All for myself. In the moment, I had completely forgotten one thing.

My condition. Little did I know, dancing in the rain would cause a far greater damage to me. What could have been months turned to weeks. Hour by hour, my life shortened with each step we took in our serene dance.

***