LOSING YOU

Chapter 101- Home Is Where The Heart Is

—SIYA—

I wake up to throbbing pain in my head. My eyes blink a few times in an attempt to adjust to the light. An unusual warmth radiating from someone beside me.

Someone is sleeping beside me.

I wince as I try to move my head which is lying on something hard. An arm. The glint of a gold stud catches my eye. And then travels to a face. Thick, dark eyebrows, messy curls covering his head, delicate lips and oh... oh, I'm in his arms. Kabir's legs are tangled with mine. I'm so happy, I'm so mad at him. I'm confused. Stuck.

I had a nightmare.

He saw how miserable and weak I still am.

"Good morning." He rasps in his deep, sleepy voice which travels straight to my core. "Morning. Thanks for... umm-"

"Oh. It was nothing. You were stressed, it happens when you're stressed." He consoles me. I smile at him. "Siya." He whispers, his body still close to mine. I keep staring at his chest, that rises and falls with each breath. "Hmm?"

"Come home with me?" I jerk away from him. My neck almost giving up. "What?" I ask him, unable to believe what he just said. "I want you to come home with me, we can figure this out together." I thought I would happily agree when he would ask me to come with him. I thought that I would love to go home with him. But all I feel right now is anger. Irritation.

"You're crazy. We're over." I walk downstairs, Kabir keeps calling me. Ava and Gaurav have left. What time do I wake up these days? I need to change my routine. "Siya, listen to me." He says again. Oh my god. This man is insufferable.

"There's nothing to talk about!" I yell at him. Kabir keeps looking at me. "I want Myra to be in your life. I want to be in your life." He whispers. Emotions hit the roof at that. All that I've hidden in my heart for the past three months comes rushing right to the surface. All the pain, all the anger, all the emotions.

What does he think? That he'll just come to me one fine day and give me the promise of everything that I've ever craved for and I'll fall for that? Kiss his feet? That's how low he thinks of me?

I stride towards Kabir, not making any effort to think. My hand connects with the side of his face and I slap him. He stands still, thrown completely off guard. The tears start pooling in my eyes. My chest begins to heave. I slap him again. I punch his chest, scratch him, kick him, hit him with all the strength I have.

I want him to feel what I've been feeling. I want to hurt him. I want him to understand my pain. Because he never tried to. I keep screaming and cursing and hitting him. It feels like an outlet for my pain. I feel like an animal, I'm behaving like an animal. Trying so hard for someone to understand me.

"You left me!" I scream through the tears. "You left me crying and begging!" I cough as I choke on my breath. "I did everything I could Kabir! I was scared to lose you! Because you always leave me behind! You left for London, you came to Delhi and when my father said that I was married, you left again instead of finding me! You left when I told you that Myra was our daughter! You leave! You are a fucking coward! You took away my daughter! You pushed me away when I needed you to hold me!" I sob, trying to speak, cry and breath at the same time. He keeps looking at me. He keeps quiet.

"I didn't tell you because I knew that you'd leave me! I was scared! And no, I'm not a liar! I did whatever I had to, to keep you! To stay with you, to protect you, to make you happy! You have never understood me! And I don't care if you do so or not! And I'm not sorry! I'm proud of the way I've loved you! I've loved you like no one has ever loved someone! But, it's over. You are with Tanvi, and you should go back to her. You're cheating on her. You've made me cheat on Eric. This has to stop. You can't just come here after months and ask me to come back with you! Things have changed." I breath, firm. Determined.