Promised To Love // r.s.l.♡

4

my fab lovelies, go check out my new story 'Inevitable' (my first non-AU in like 7 months) 🌺🌺

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I woke up again; the second time tonight. Ross was still peacefully asleep beside me from the first time I awoke, and he woke up also, helping me to doze off again.

This time I left him to sleep. He was back to work already tomorrow and I didn't want to bother him anymore. I swung my legs around and got myself out of bed, putting on the nearest jumper I could find.

I padded downstairs, past Lilly who was actually awake and playing with her toys. After moments of playing with her, I grabbed myself a glass of water. I then trekked back up the stairs, but stopped.

Curiosity got the best of me and I went to a place I in no way ready to face. The walls were painted a pastel pink, and I smiled at the memory of painting it with Ross, and the paint fight following it. As I looked further down, my eyes landed on everything related to the baby I was expecting.

I thought these things were only from novels, your arms longing to hold your baby. That feeling was unsettlingly true; I just wanted to feel Aria's warmth, or her cry which despite incredibly loud (she clearly got her little lungs from her Dad), was my favourite sound to date.

I walked around, looking and touching the neatly folded sheets, baby clothes, toys and everything else. I'm aware I have buckets of support from everybody I know (even Evan and Emma on honeymoon), but I have never felt so lonely in my life. Not even during that period of time that Ross and I distanced from each other- because I knew I could fix that.

There is nothing I can do about this, and I believe that is what frightens, hurts, frustrates and eats at me the most. Slowly, but surely, I could feel the tears roll down my face.

I sat at the window seat of the room, and touched the words Ross and I got specially engraved for our little girl to look at. They were little things, little reminders to boost her character, or to look at in order to boost her mood.

Ironically, it only made me sadder.

Not only do I have to carry in mind that my child is dead, but I also have to fuss about with funerals and whatnot. Don't get me wrong but, the lump in my throat that has settled for the last week is killing me, and it may just burst at the sight of Aria.

"Aw, babe" I only then noticed Ross beside me, holding me in his arms.

My guilt increased even more. "I'm so sorry I woke you up- how did you hear me?"

"I felt for you and you weren't there, then I could hear you wail" he frowned and I face palmed. "It's fine, I can ask for another day at home"

"I don't want to hold you up no" I sighed. "This is my mess"

"This is our thing, and it's definitely not a mess. You can't blame yourself for something you couldn't stop"

"It's all thanks to my fucked up lungs"

He stayed silent, rubbing my back as I cried quietly. "I hate the world sometimes. I just don't understand why the worst things happen to the best people"

I didn't answer; I didn't quite know how to. His lips kissed my head repeatedly and he released a deep sigh. "I-I've never felt so numb in my life"

"I can relate to that" he said briefly. "Come on, you need sleep"

"I can't sleep" I said as he pulled me up.

He smiled. "I'll cuddled you for the next 89 years if I have to"

With his smile, I couldn't help but to smile back. "I love you, did you know that?"

"I became aware of that on the day you saw me have my ugly nosebleeds and didn't make a run for your money" he joked but kissed me, laying me down. "But I love you too, so much"