An American At Hogwarts: Book Three

Chapter Sixty-Seven

I wasn't sure how long I stayed like that, curled up by the lake with my knees to my chest. The sun eventually went down, and I got cold enough to drag myself inside, absolutely drenched to the bone.

I skipped dinner in the Great Hall, going straight up to the dorm instead. I forced myself to take a shower, since hypothermia or a bad cold were two of the only things that could make me feel worse right now, and then I drew the curtains around my bed and curled up there instead. Much later, I heard Angelina and Alicia come in. I pretended to be asleep when they tried to check on me. The last thing I wanted right now was to talk about any of this.

In my eighteen years of life so far, I'd never failed so completely and utterly. And even worse, there wasn't a backup plan. Normally, when I had to take a loss, there was a way to bounce back or find a silver lining, or even if it took longer sometimes, a new opportunity would come along that I could take advantage of. But now, there was nothing. My two best friends in the world were gone, the devil herself had won and taken control of the school, and true evil continued to grow in strength both inside and outside the school while I was powerless to do anything about it.

AP tests were days away, but I couldn't bring myself to care. My friends and I had planned for multiple study sessions with a 'we'll get through this together' spin on them to make it more bearable, and I couldn't bring myself to show up for the first one.

My friends obviously knew things hadn't gone well with the mermaids, but whenever they tried to get more information out of me, I found a way to brush them off. I let them know they hadn't agreed to help and why, and when they tried to cheer me up, it only made me feel worse. The last thing I wanted was to watch a movie in the Astronomy Tower, or put another niffler in Umbridge's office. None of that mattered.

I spent most of Saturday mentally debating whether I should call it and follow in the twins' footsteps. I didn't want to stay in this castle with Umbridge and the mermaids and centaurs in sight, but leaving would accomplish nothing. The only end result would be that I'd really failed, on almost every level of things I cared about. So instead, I was trapped here for the next month and a half.

I would've just stayed in bed on Sunday if Angelina and Alicia hadn't come in to drag me out. I hadn't gotten up for my usual run since the mermaids, but today, they insisted on dragging me down to breakfast. I couldn't stand the thought of seeing Umbridge for an entire meal, or sitting in the Great Hall pretending to be fine for the entire school, so Cedric stepped in. He grabbed enough food for the both of us, then we found an empty classroom to sit together in. He conjured up the blankets and did all the spells, and I just stared at the desk in front of me. I loved him, but I didn't want to be here.

I caught Cedric looking at me out of the corner of his eye a few times as I picked at a bagel, clearly trying to work out what he wanted to say. I didn't turn my attention away from my bagel.

"Maybe... we could go for a walk later?" he finally said. "I know you had test review planned, but I think a little fresh air would be good-"

I shook my head. "I don't want to go for a walk. Thank you for thinking of me, but... I don't want to do anything right now, Ced."

He paused for another few long beats, then wrapped one arm around my shoulders and leaned in a little closer.

"Maybe you could use your phone or a sling portal or something to visit the twins? I know it's been hard for you not to have them around..."

I scoffed, at my situation more than Cedric. I shook my head, still staring at the messy cream cheese of my bagel like it could give me some answers to this shitty situation.

"They're not going to be able to tell me anything that you haven't already told me, Ced. You or any of the rest of our friends. I just... this just sucks. I feel like shit. I feel like months of work was a total waste, and I feel like everything I've done to try to fight back or make change or defend my friends against the bad stuff coming in this world has been a failure. I couldn't stop Umbridge from taking out all the clubs we cared about, couldn't stop her from carving scars into my friends' hands. I couldn't stop Fudge from kicking Dumbledore out. I couldn't get Percy to listen to me or any hint of reason. And now I can't do anything with any meaning to try to defend the wizarding world outside of Hogwarts and Umbridge. Every single thing I've tried has failed, and I'm just... I'm a little sick of it."