Perfect Dark | Danmachi

Chapter 5

It feels like I'm floating, free of the weight of all my heavy burdens. Below the thick ice of a frozen lake, my hands are grasping for my heart trying to keep it warm. 

Warmth, I miss Hestia's flame. 

My hands are starting to freeze and I'm losing touch. I'm sinking, down to the dark abyss. My heart is enslaved in ice, safe from heartache and pain. If I could just reach it again, if I could just keep it beating for a while longer. 

But I'm sinking, and no longer see my reflection on the other side. 

Is this what it feels like to give up? Have I finally let go? 

As my descent into the darkness continues, I don't feel anything. Slipping away into nothingness the hollow has taken hold. 

I'm scared. 

I'm scared of opening my mouth to breathe because I know I'll die. 

So I'll endure, I'll be hollow if that's what I need to be. I'm not the hero anymore, so I'll become the villain.

Heith is holding my hand as I open my eyes slowly, and I feel a tear fall from her eyes onto my face. How long was I out?

"Heith?" My voice comes through like gravel and sawdust as I look up at her. My head is in her lap, and I still can't feel my body. It's dark outside, and the events of the day are swimming around in my mind, but I can't connect the dots.

She squeezes my hand while she wipes the tears away from her eyes. We are surrounded by what feels like everyone in the familia. For a very brief moment, I felt my life slipping away from me. I was reaching out, trying to grasp something, what was it?

Heith's eyes were like fire as she directed her gaze at Hedin. "No more." She said, holding my broken body like a doll to her chest. 

This is my fault.

I remember now, the haze has lifted. Hedin wasn't giving up any ground, but I was asking for it. I fought lazily, carelessly, and this is the outcome. I'm not ready to fight against higher level adventurers, I knew that already. Choosing to fight him today was the dumbest decision I could have made, but I'm losing my sanity by the minute.

I tried to laugh at myself, at the web of lies that are slowly strangling me, but my chest and lungs were on fire. Hedin must have punctured them with a spell. 

Out of all the people that could have helped me to my room, it's the arms I would have never expected to help pick me up from the ground. Ottar's stone face peaks through the crowd, and people are parting a path for him. As if he would burn them if they stood too close, they scattered once the show was over.

Ottar slung my lifeless body over his shoulder, and I couldn't do anything to resist. Where was he taking me? God, please let it be my own room.

Thankfully, as if my wish was granted, we arrived at my room. He sat me down gently, which came as a surprise. 

"You must have a death wish." He said quietly, lingering in the room.

Here it is again, I still haven't figured out how to talk to him. I haven't figured out how to talk to anyone in this familia except for Heith. Letting out a nervous laugh that set my lungs ablaze, I coughed until I was dizzy.

"It must seem that way." My eyes are out of focus as I lay back in the bed, 

"She isn't going to be happy to hear about this."

Ottar cares more for Freya than anyone else. Why isn't his love enough for her? I'm nothing like him. She has the strongest, so what does she want from me?

"Bell, you have to return her feelings." His voice was so foreign, soft and gentle, begging me to give in.

"Why?" I choked on my words, coughing up blood into my hands. Is this what it takes to get stronger? Being on the verge of death all the time? I now understand why people hold Folkvangr at such a high regard. This is where warriors are born, but this is also where they die.

"I'll make you a deal." He crouched near my bed, reaching for my shaking hand. "If you make an effort to stop making her feel so terrible, I'll train you myself. I'm not asking you to fall in love with her, just give her the chance she deserves."

The chance she deserves? I wanted to fucking scream. Freya deserves nothing from me. I've done nothing wrong; I've done nothing to her. So why is it only me that must keep giving? I've given up everything at this point, and what have I gained?

However, it's an offer I don't know if I can refuse. I'm weighing my options, my heart or my strength, and it's the hardest decision I've had to make. To sell my soul to ascend, is it worth it? But to make it back to them, I'm going to have to get stronger... strong enough to beat Ottar if I must.

I've got nothing left to lose.

I accepted his offer with a bloody smile. Piece by piece I'll give my heart away to her, I'll risk it all for a chance to see them again.

I might as well shatter the ice encasing my heart, because there is no turning back now.

Ottar stood in the doorway, bowed to me and then took his leave.

I never would have imagined this was my fate. After the door is shut and I'm in the darkness alone, I expected to feel a surge of pain from my injuries. But I feel nothing at all.

As I lay in the dark silence, my door slowly opens, and I see Freya slip in.

She doesn't say anything, just climbs in bed and lays on top of the covers.
With her icy fingers, she holds my cheek and whispers "I love you."